“Insanity is doing the same behavior over and over, but expecting different results” goes the adage. Jason Zufall has discovered there is a whole other version of that definition for dads.
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I’ve found there’s nothing sweeter & more rewarding than your 1 year old bringing a book over, saying “Hi Da-Da!” & wanting to sit on your lap to read.
His book of choice is “Snuggle Puppy” & I read it with spirit & enthusiasm…he loves it! In fact when it’s over, he holds the book back up and says “More!”…obviously I’m a hit!
Oh wait, what’s that? You want to read Snuggle Puppy a third time? Why sure! But this time I change up the voices, add some snaps to jazz it up & give him a huge raspberry to the neck for a spectacular grand finale to this Snuggle Puppy Trilogy…an encore Bruce Springsteen himself would envy!
Huh. I must be really good at this because it’s all Snuggle Puppy, all the time, right now. A fourth reading has been strongly requested & of course I fulfill it. Obviously my award-winning raspberry ending was like having one Pringle chip, who can blame him for wanting more? I’m a showman and the show must go on! Besides, this has to be the last reading anyway, right? I mean, I know he’s only 1 but what sane human wants to read the same thing over & over?
Okay, we’re on to a 5th reading & things got a little hairy. When I politely suggested another book, the little guy was strongly against it. “Lost his shit” might be more accurate. Snuggle Puppy has my kid wrapped around his finger & I’m wondering if my earlier show-stopping renditions threw logs on a fire. Alright, one more time & then I’ll switch to a new book. I’m the boss here, after all.
Things didn’t go according to plan. After putting away Snuggle Puppy and sternly saying “no” to another reading, I was quickly reminded who’s really boss. He unleashes a squeal that only me, dogs and probably bats can hear. I’ll gladly read Snuggle Puppy again if it means that noise goes away.
Reading #7 and my mind starts to wander. Crazy thoughts seep in, like “would killing an actual puppy in front of him get him to change books & not do too much psychological damage?” Ha-Ha, obviously that’s just fatigue setting in, puppy genocide is never the answer. We’ll just file that under “last resort”…for now…
I’ve lost count. I may have read Snuggle Puppy 3-4 more times but I’m not sure. I’m on a hazy autopilot right now & reciting the book by heart. I’m not even sure if my words match the pages I’m on. I think I ended the last reading by spitting on his neck instead of a raspberry. I try again to switch books & he goes nuclear. I’m starting to think Snuggle Puppy is a cult.
At reading #12ish, I’m thankful there’s no sharp objects around; stabbing myself in the neck with a #2 pencil seems to be the only way out of this Snuggle Puppy rabbit hole I’m spiraling down.
This might be reading #15, maybe it’s #25, I’m not sure. After the last one, I thought I yelled “LOOK MOTHER FUCKER, THERE’S 50 MORE BOOKS ON THAT SHELF, GO PICK ANOTHER SO I CAN BURN SNUGGLE PUPPY!” but it turns out it was a just a fever dream. I’m starting to hallucinate & I can’t stop drooling. For the love of God, Snuggle Puppy, please release me.
The world we knew no longer exists. It’s a barren, Mad Max-style wasteland & all that’s left is me, the boy and Snuggle Puppy. Snuggle Puppy is the ruthless king of this new existence & there’s no escape. All hail Snuggle Puppy.
I’m cold. My body is numb & I’ve lost the sense of smell. I’m pretty sure I peed my pants.
I submit. Snuggle Puppy, you evil cersei, I am yours. Please just end the cycle.
I feel something cold & wet on my cheek & suddenly snap out of it. I look down to see the boy giving me a big sloppy kiss. He looks up, smiles and says “Hi Da-Da!” A second wind comes on & I dive back into another reading.
My soul now belongs to Snuggle Puppy & his teachings…I’m going clear.