After imagining what kind of man his daughter would marry one day, Nick Pavlidis came up with this simple test to determine if he was, in fact, a terrible husband. (He failed.)
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Over the last year, I’ve read several marriage books and blogs. I’ve learned about love languages, boundaries, happiness, unconditional love, and so much more.
I’ve even taken marriage lessons from football and business books.
I look everywhere for marriage lessons. Yet I was still surprised this weekend about where I stumbled upon a one-question quiz to tell whether I was still a terrible husband—My daughter’s smile.
On Saturday morning, I had the pleasure of spending two hours alone with my daughter. She’s two-and-a-half, almost to the day. We ate breakfast, played, sang, hugged, danced, and just had a great time. We smiled so wide and laughed so hard that our cheeks were sore and stomachs were in pain.
As she smiled at me, I couldn’t help but wonder about the future—her future.
Who would she be? What would she do? Who would she marry?
The marriage question stuck with me for a minute or two.
I thought about meeting her husband for the first time, walking her down the aisle, and dancing with her at the wedding.
What would she look like? Would she still have the same face? Would I still see this same smile that day? Those same cheeks? The dimples?
What would he be like? What kind of man would I want for her?
That last question stuck with me for a little while. I starting listing characteristics of a man I would want for my daughter in my mind.
And then my heart dropped. I was describing the exact opposite of what I had been for so long, and sometimes still am in moments of laziness or lack of focus.
And there I had it.
The one question quiz that will tell you if you’re a terrible husband:
Are you the type of person you would want your daughter to marry?
It’s a big question, for sure. But it’s an effective one.
Take some time. Explore some of the factors.
Would you want your daughter’s husband talking to her like you talk to your wife? Your tone? Your facial expressions? Your body language?
Would you want him to spend more (or less) time with her?
Would you want him to have your habits? Motivation? Attitude?
To spend money like you do? To work like you do?
Yes? Great. You’re probably a pretty good husband.
No? Well, you might just have a punch-list of things to work on yourself.
What can you work on this week to get closer to the type of guy you would be happy for her to marry?
♦◊♦
This post originally appeared at Confessions of a Terrible Husband: Lessons Learned from a Lumpy Couch; Image: Credit—Christos Loufopoulos/Flickr
I have always secretly wished that we could retire during the years our kids are growing up and work when the house is empty. I also know the strain on both mothers and fathers to maintain a happy home with goals for the future. Just the fact that you took the time to ask yourself this question, means you are becoming her “go to” for questions about her life. My husband was very work oriented while the kids were growing but now that they are adults, they look to him for guidance and advice in dealing with the world because… Read more »
Nick – wow, what a powerful question. I just sent this post to all my kids and their spouses. I’ve been through the day you describe – dancing with my beautiful daughter at her wedding and seeing the man she married. He is everything we could have hoped for – and I do trust I was a model for what she wanted. Thanks for the framing our thinking – and for being as transparent as you are.
Wow, Dan! Your transparency about your business and family life is such a blessing to those of us who strive to maintain healthy relationships, raise great children, and achieve business success at the same time. Thank you so much Dan for taking the time to share this post and leaving such kind words here.
One of my former student’s father is running for Congress. My wife and I look up to him and his family and we admire the way his children turned out. Yesterday we went to the open house of his campaign office. As soon as we walked in, he came over and said hello to me. He then turned to my 3 daughters and said “Girls, you need to marry a man like your father. I told my daughters that a girl looks up to his father when selecting a husband. Your father has set the bar very high!” I was… Read more »
Wow! That’s amazing, David. What an incredible testimony to your character! Thanks for sharing that story!
Great, thought provoking article! As everyone has said, the is can be spun to all situations! It poses a great challenge to all of us!
Thanks Michelle!
This kind of thing always makes me a little queasy. It reminds me of those father/daughter dances and “dad owns my virginity” kind of stuff. The “I married a man like my father” stuff always sounds a little dysfunctional to me.
In any event, please allow me to make a ridiculously obvious point – your daughter’s relationship with you should be different from her relationship with her husband (if she has one). That means he cannot really be the same kind of man you are.
Fortunately, I think I’ve done okay at passing this test. It is okay to say “I’m not perfect… but I’m not a terrible husband.”
The question can be a good motivator, but I’d be cautious against guilt tripping yourself. We all know people who land at either extreme – they think they can do no wrong, or they think they are a total screw-up. Both are counterproductive to being a good spouse.
Let’s give ourselves a little grace and focusing on improving – without labeling ourselves as “terrible”.
My kids are older and my eldest has her first boyfriend. You better believe I’ve been thinking about this, especially after the first shockwave of seeing his arm around her! (Back away, son. Back away.) My son is at the beginning stages of a real crush and I know that it’s likely that he’ll bring someone home at some point who is a lot like me. That scares me. Why? Because he deserves the make-believe person who does nothing wrong. Since that girl doesn’t exist, I try to give myself a little grace and realize that I have some pretty… Read more »
I love this – two daughters and one son of my own and I’m back in the daring world constantly thinking about what kind of example I’m setting for them. It’s a lot easier to live in this vision once you have kids of your own…I find that once you have children, you’re constantly thinking about them and how you measure up. My only thought is this – what about the men without children? I think it’s hard for men (or anyone, really) to think about a hypothetical child in this sense. I wish men could figure this out before… Read more »
Absolutely Natalie! And thanks for such kind words. A lot of commenters had some great reflection and connections to other relationships in their minds. Others reminded us that it should not take a connection like that. You’re so right. And that’s exactly why I’m writing openly about these and other things, to hopefully inspire, encourage, and equip people to pause and reflect no matter where they are in their life. I agree and believe (obviously) that there is a power and value to making that connection if you can. For me, even if it just makes me pause to consider… Read more »
I immediately turned this around and thought “would I want my daughter to be the kind of wife I am?” Now there’s some food for thought … Thanks, Nick. This is well-written and thought-provoking.
Thanks so much Diane!
Nick, I appreciate your perspective. I have 4 daughters and I’m not everything I would want for them. Thanks,
I’ve become such a proponent of incremental improvement. That’s not at the expense of large steps. But it’s to embrace that small improvements are still improvements, and enough of them over time add up to great change. So maybe you’re not everything you would want for them.. yet.
Thanks so much for taking the time and checking in here Russell!
Nick – I loved the article and had to share with others. Thanks for inspiring us all to do a little better, if not ourselves, then for our children.
Thanks so much Jenny!
What a great thought. I’m quick to establish what I expect in someone who would one day want to marry my daughter, but am I willing to have those traits myself? Good stuff.
Thanks Chuck!
That is one powerful question for any parent to ask. It makes for some very potent self reflection. You hit the bull’s eye here, Nick! I’ll be stepping up to the challenge with you.
Thanks so much Steve! Welcome aboard!
What a wonderful, fresh perspective! Thanks so much for writing this article. It’s so good to remember that we can all improve … fathers, mothers, siblings, friends …
Thanks Laura! Yes. The moment surely hit me as a father and husband, but pause and remind myself that I’m so much more to this world than a father and husband. And improving who I am in all relationships will help me leave the world a little better than how I found it someday.
This is a great question to ponder and If I’m honest I have a lot of work do to. I too have a daughter and this week I have five areas that I will be working on. Great writing Nick and welcome to the GMP!
Thanks Kimanzi! You’re seeing such an example for your family and others who are looking improve who they are! I’m honored to call you a friend and am praying for your family’s safety this week, as the weather turns sour out in Hawaii.
Outstanding post Nick! It’s not that people outside of your family deserve less respect. It’s quite the opposite. We often take for granted those who are closest to us. I am definitely guilty of that. I am my husband’s wife and he is MY husband.
Thanks Janeen – Great point. I got caught up “knowing” that my wife loved me unconditionally and went hours, days, or weeks sometimes not making deposits in that relationship.
I really hate the “what if it was your daughter/mother/wife” mindset. It’s showing that respect should only go as far as how related you are to that person. It has nothing to do with them being human beings. It is disheartening to think that they only way men can respect women is if they picture every woman as if she was “theirs”. This is how ads and organizations and many men that speak against violence etc. use to get through to men, “what if” as if people who aren’t part of your family somehow deserve less respect and the only… Read more »
I agree with you Lilbit. The “I thought about how I would want my daughter/son treated” use to work for me. Now it just seems to be another symptom of a bigger problem. We want to be respected and we want others to respect members of our family, but we don’t necessarily want to think about how we disrespect others and the pay-off and pleasure we may get from participating in media and real life actions that actively disrespects others. I do think this is a good article. I like the questions the author Nick, is posing and is thinking… Read more »
A great point, Erin. It’s very encouraging seeing all the comments here from people who don’t have children or opposite-gender children, but are pausing to ask themselves if they are the person they want to be in general. Respect of any person should certainly not wait for anything. Great comment and thanks for your thoughtful attention to such an important issue!
You’re absolutely right lilbit. I’m quite embarrassed that it took so long and a moment with my daughter to realize how selfish and ignorant I had been and how I had everything I needed to be a world class husband the whole time.
I love this question, Nick. And I agree that you can totally turn the question around for those of us who are wives. Really makes you take a hard look at yourself and the person you’ve become, without your ego getting in the way 🙂
Thanks Cat! It’s so great to see so many women like you pausing to look hard at themselves. It’s funny (or sad?)… every time I pause to consider this question I find several areas where I can improve. 🙂
I don’t have a daughter, but my dad does. I can tell you that he is the most quality man I’ve ever known. Because he was an incredible husband my sister married a quality guy. It’s because of my father and posts like this that I’m terrified to have a daughter. With God’s help, and the wisdom of questions like the one posed above, I believe I can handle a daughter if I ever have one.
What an incredible testimony to your Dad, Paulie! It certainly sounds like you have everything you need to succeed!
This is excellent insight Nick! Thanks for sharing this. This is definitely thought provoking. I like what someone else said too that this could apply to mothers of sons as well. Keep up the good writing. You’re an inspiration.
Thanks so much Sharon! It’s so encouraging seeing such a diverse group of people connect with it and consider the areas of their lives that could be improved!
I strongly believe in this type of insight is vital to ensure our children are not only in healthy relationships, but to be healthy alone. But it does not work if the person who is asking the question is mentally deficient or inept to see faults. There are people out there that live in their narcissistic worlds that cause damage because they have no clue that they are not the person that could hurt another.
I hope this article reached all those that have the ability to see within and reaches other that need to wake up.
Being able – and willing – to see faults is a powerful quality to possess for sure. I believe we all have the ability to do so and more and more people will be willing to do so as we openly discuss and accept our own faults.
Thanks so much Paula!
Nick, Great post as always. I too am a “recovering” terrible husband. (say it with me “Hi, my name is Scott” “Hi Scott”) Like all addictions being addicted to being a terrible husband can be broken, you just have to want it bad enough. It takes time and its hard constant work, but this type of mindset shifting question can really help. Like others have mentioned above I don’t have a daughter so the exact question doesn’t work, but I do ask am I the type of husband (and man) that I want my son to be someday? As well,… Read more »
Thanks Scott! You’re so right. Even just pausing to consider your wife’s place in the word, either in relation to you or other people, can go a long way in interrupting some of the selfish, lazy, or otherwise “me-focused” thinking that often keeps us from becoming the person we know we can be.
Nick – great post.
It’s an easy question to ask / answer if we only go parking lot puddle deep, but the follow-on questions you added – “Would you want your daughter’s husband talking to her like you talk to your wife? Your tone? Your facial expressions? Your body language? Would you want him to spend more (or less) time with her…” etc. – really drive it home and take it from theory to practice. To me, this is a “tape-to-the-mirror” assessment for each day.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, really enjoyed it.
Thanks so much Rob! Many of those follow-on questions are things I struggled with for a while and that I’m constantly working on improving!
I think this is such an important question to ask, and one that I find myself asking about my daughter as well. When my husband does stuff–good or bad–I often wonder what kind of impact it has on our daughter . Dads have so much influence on their daughters, probably more than they realize, and it’s wonderful that you’re reflecting on that.
Thanks Jana! We sure do have quite a bit of influence on our daughters!
Great thoughts Nick.
Being a Dad to a Son, I have to ask myself – Am I modeling the type of man that I want my son to become? All of your questions here are great to ask for any parent.
Thanks Stu! That’s a great question too, for fathers to sons! It’s so important to keep that concept front of mind and know that your son is watching and learning from your actions, reactions, behavior, and words. I have a five-year-old son, too, and see so much of me in him. At first that wasn’t a good thing…