The bare minimum
When I was a child, I was not expected to be responsible for very much.
The rules were clear:
Be respectful to everyone. Learn. Keep things clean.
These were not extraordinary responsibilities. They were the bare minimum. I knew, if I did not adequately perform these 3 responsibilities, I was not meeting my childhood expectations.
. . .
A responsible choice
As I got older, my responsibilities naturally started mounting. In many cases, I did not accept these basic expectations.
I have been a bad son, a bad friend, a bad brother, a bad colleague, and a bad partner.
Many times, I have hurt the people closest to me.
I have failed more times than I can count, in numerous ways.
I didn’t fail from ignorance. I failed in spite of my inherent knowledge.
There are basic expectations of each of us, as we age. We all know what they are. We just need to fulfill them.
It is a choice that we make.
I have made choices. So have you. We must live with all of our choices.
And at this moment, I say to you that we must choose to be better men.
. . .
The list
We deserve no praise for this choice.
In this article, I have compiled a list of 10 very basic traits of a good man.
These traits are undeniable. They are the most basic requirements of our existence as men.
Some may protest the above standard. Those that do, if they are honest with themselves, must realize that the standard I outline is actually not difficult to achieve.
It is not difficult, but it is not common.
It is a simple recipe that requires only one ingredient: love.
I choose to follow this list, and I urge you to follow it too.
. . .
1. I will work
Even in times of great unemployment, like right now, the desire for gainful employment is a key component of a good man.
You work because you want to provide for your family. You work to express creativity. You work to contribute to society.
When there is no work, and you are unemployed, a good man will look for work. Your work is a physical representation of the hope that you have for your life, for your marriage, and for the world.
While you don’t always need to be employed, a good man must always at least be searching for work. A lack of interest in work means you are lacking interest in contributing to the very things that make us human: the self, the family, the community, and the future. Humans work.
. . .
2. I will never be unfaithful
To be a good man, you must be loyal to your partner.
It is as simple as that.
You have made a commitment to them, and if you break that commitment, you have destroyed the very thing that you both were trying to create.
A relationship can never truly recover when one partner cheats.
A good man does not cheat.
. . .
3. I will not be addicted to anything illicit
Whether it’s drugs, gambling, alcohol, or social media, a good man must never let themselves succumb to addiction.
The problem with addicts is that they are not in control of their own lives. The addiction controls them. They cannot be fully present in their relationships.
For the sake of their marriage, of their friendships, of their kids, and of their other responsibilities, men must not overindulge in such things.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a drink now and then, or go to the casino from time to time. It just means that you shouldn’t do these things to excess.
. . .
4. I will always be responsible for my kids
I know a guy who told me that he was unable to go out for a beer because he had to ‘babysit’ his son.
A good man does not babysit his own children. He parents them.
One of the most basic responsibilities of a man is to work with his partner to be good parents to their kids.
It means that you take a full part in raising the children, in every aspect. Change their diapers. Give them baths. Help them with their homework. Play with them. Give them advice. Nurture them into successful adults.
. . .
5. I will always show my love
Some couples are overly affectionate in public. It can be disturbing. A good man doesn’t have to go to that length.
A good man is naturally loving.
He will always express his love for his partner. He will show his affection regularly. He will always show his love for his children. He will spend undistracted time with all of them.
He is not shy to express his feelings to the people closest to him.
. . .
6. I will always protect my family
I’m reminded of the scene in the movie “Back to the Future” when George McFly finally stands up to the bully Biff, in an effort to defend his love interest, Lorraine. After he smacks Biff and knocks him out, Lorraine falls in love with George.
Protecting your family doesn’t always mean getting into a fight. It means protecting their interests. You can do that by making sure they have a roof over their heads. You can do that by saving money for a rainy day.
A good husband protects his family in every way, not just physically.
. . .
7. I am responsible for my spouse’s family
When you start a relationship with someone, you join an existing community. You are not simply in a relationship with one person.
You are connecting with all the people that they surrounded themselves with before they met you. That includes their parents and their extended family.
It’s important to be respectful of the other person’s family. A good man finds ways to connect with them, even if they don’t have much in common.
. . .
8. I admit mistakes
Nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes in a relationship.
A good man apologizes for his mistakes. He apologizes so that he can allow his partner to heal.
He learns from his errors and makes an effort to be better the next time.
. . .
9. I am always trying to be better
A good man never stagnates.
He wants to learn new things, and explore new places, and meet new people.
Life is an adventure. A good man wants to experience every part of it, and he wants to share it with his partner.
Life is a gift. He understands that.
. . .
10. When I fall, I will always get back up
We all fail, and we all fall down.
A good man loses his job. A good man gets injured. A good man doesn’t win the game. A good man makes mistakes.
A good man never gives up. A good man always gets back up. A good man always plays the game again. A good man learns from his mistakes.
. . .
Not above and not beyond
At my office, there is an employee named Jim who shows up to work every day, does his job exactly as expected, and then goes home. He never calls in sick. He’s friendly. He’s good with customers. He helps others when they need help. He is a model employee.
One day, I decided to give him special recognition for his work. I presented him with a 50 dollar gift certificate to a local electronics store.
One of my colleagues approached me later that day, confused.
“Why are we rewarding Jim for doing his job?”, he said.
He was right. Jim was not doing anything extraordinary. He was doing exactly what was expected of him.
The problem was that, in a company where that type of behavior was rare, I had felt that Jim’s efforts deserved recognition.
In reality, they didn’t.
As men, we must be like Jim. We must always achieve all of our basic expectations, without fail.
In a world where this type of behavior is rare, we still do not deserve any special recognition for it.
A good man knows this and does it anyway.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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