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Cheating in a relationship is, of course, not monopolized by either gender. Men cheat, women cheat, and according to studies, they have different reasons for doing so.
I don’t think we can necessarily just say “men cheat for this reason, and women cheat for this reason,” though. Each individual person and scenario brings about a reason or reasons of its own. That being said though, I think we need to be careful of blanket statements like all men cheat or all women cheat.
As a man, I can only speak on behalf of my own gender. I have never cheated and would never cheat — but when I say this to people they always ask how I can say I would never cheat? There are plenty of reasons why a good man would never even have the thought cross his mind…
A good man appreciates what he has.
Obviously, this is a big reason. The more you appreciate your partner, the more valuable they are to you, and the less you are willing risk losing them or hurting them. When a good man truly loves and appreciates the woman in his life would never act in ways that put his relationship with her in jeopardy.
A good man has evolved beyond his primal urges.
We all have biological urges instilled in us by billions of years of evolution. The desire to reproduce, sexual attraction, so on and so forth. This is often used as an excuse for cheating because “we are not built for monogamy.”
While monogamy isn’t necessarily natural to humans, a good man understands that being natural is not the point. Monogamy is a choice. It is a pledge to the person you love to commit yourself to them, and only them. A good man has the ability to resist his basic urges for the sake of a more important choice he has made for himself.
A good man values love over a fleeting experience.
When you are in a loving, committed relationship with someone, there are far more layers of fulfillment than just sex. A relationship based solely on sexual attraction is a flimsy one that could fall apart at the first challenge; but when two people genuinely love and respect each other, they can weather any storm.
Some people spend their lives searching for that kind of connection. Some find it quickly, some take longer, but when a good man does find it – the thought of throwing it all away for a few minutes of sexual satisfaction (that he could get at home anyway) just makes no sense.
A good man has a conscience.
A simple reason, yes – but a strong one nonetheless. The constant guilt associated with cheating on a woman you love and then having to pretend everything is great when you are around her; I would imagine, is impossibly difficult.
A good man respects the woman in his life.
Cheating is disrespect. It is casting someone else’s feelings aside because of something temporary you want. But not just something you want; something you want at the expense of your girlfriend/wife, and your relationship. Cheating is lying to someone, it is breaking their trust, and those are not things you do to someone you respect.
A good man has grown past adding notches to his bedpost.
A man who is secure and confident in himself no longer has a need to validate his manhood or self-worth by proving he can ‘get the girl.’ Men who are insecure often times need to continue achieving conquests in order to feel like men. Anyone in this position would be better served to simply stay single and sew their wild oats before they choose to commit to someone exclusively.
A good man respects himself.
C. S. Lewis once said: Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. I think some men stop themselves from cheating simply because they are afraid of getting caught – but good men would stay faithful even if it were guaranteed that nobody would find out if they weren’t.
Why? Because he respects himself. He holds a certain standard for the way he lives his life and the character he has worked so hard to build and maintain. Entering into a committed relationship is not just a pledge to your partner, it is also a pledge that your future self will uphold the promises your present self has made.
A good man doesn’t take the easy way out.
Cheating is the easy way out. It’s the easy way out of a bad relationship. It’s the easy way to escape. It’s the easy way to avoid responsibility for a breakup by doing something stupid and having her end it instead. It is a way to avoid facing your problems rather than standing up and dealing with them like a grown adult.
Not all relationships are meant to last. Breakups happen every day and for all different reasons — but a good man will understand that and take it in stride. If he is in a relationship he knows isn’t going to work, or if the time comes he has fallen out of love and knows he shouldn’t be stringing his girlfriend on any longer, he will sit her down and have an adult conversation with her about his feelings. He will not start acting single while he is still in a relationship.
A good man values his reputation.
In an earlier point we discussed the concept of integrity and how a good man still wouldn’t cheat even if he was guaranteed to get away with it. The reality of it is though, that he is not guaranteed to get away with it. Some do, and some don’t – but the ones who don’t find themselves with a ruined reputation and behind the 8-ball when it comes to trustworthiness.
Being labeled as a cheater is not just about your romantic life, it permeates your entire character and makes people look at you differently. If you would turn your back and betray the person you ‘love,’ how are people with lesser connections with you supposed to take your word for anything?
A good man will never turn his back on a friend.
In a happy, healthy relationship – you are not only lovers, but friends. Best friends. You are each others support systems, teammates, and confidants. A good man will never betray a friend, let alone a best friend.
A good man doesn’t even have time to cheat.
You might be thinking to yourself — that’s not a very good reason…am I saying that if he was less busy or had more time he would be hanging out at the bar trying to pick up women?
Absolutely not — if he was less busy or had more time he would be using that time to find new ways to love the woman he already has. That’s why a good man doesn’t have the time to cheat, because the time he does have is dedicated to the woman he loves. The woman he has committed himself to. The woman who he spends his life trying to make happy.
The woman he sees as an extension of himself. The woman he has tied his emotions to. Hurting her would be hurting himself — and that is something no good man would choose to do.
Cheating is not an accident. It is not something you slip and fall into. It is not an immediate event that nobody saw coming. It requires the same process that any seduction would — an initial meeting, flirting, maybe some exchanging of information, an invitation, an acceptance of said invitation, and then finally the act itself. There are countless chances for a man to say “sorry, I’m in a relationship,” which is exactly what a man who is truly committed to you will do. Every time.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
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Honesty VS Fidelity I never cheat on anyone ! How many people can say the same ? When we speak about relationships and when we ask to people what they are looking for or expecting in a couple relation most of the time they say to me fidelity. Fidelity, like a flag the people are proud to wave, like an emblem of purity and mental chastity. Fidelity like the dog to his master ? In my hears that sound like a restraint to personal freedom. Fidelity is not about not been attract by others human being physically but more about… Read more »
Great article!
Thank you for this. Yes, monogamy is a choice, and yes, there are lots of other largely monogamous species of animal. We cannot justify our bad behavior and choices with ‘what s normal for animals to do’. I think if temptation comes my way, it will be seriously hard to resist. But one test is ‘will I be honest with my partner?’ She came out to herself and to me after 33 years of marriage as a lesbian. So low-sex becomes no-sex. And our vows have changed. We’ve said to each other ‘until death do us part, or until one… Read more »
This article is awesome. I know what the deep pain of betrayal feels like. I discovered my now ex-husband cheating twice. After over 20 years of marriage, I decided that I would no longer accept him “disrespecting me” and “dishonoring our daughter”. If he wanted to be a middle-aged playboy, then he should have had an “adult conversation” with me regarding his true feelings. I would have gladly signed the divorce papers. It was all the sneaking around and lying that I had the hardest time accepting. He continued to lie even though I presented him with pictures, emails, etc.… Read more »
N. Like, You may not like being judged but we all are. And you are judging the article’s writer as well. To pretend that while you are cheating you are being a “good or real” man is disingenuous at best. It’s not binary, however, I am positive that someone who cheats for years falls into the bad man/husband end of the spectrum. And no, you did not care about all of the above – you did not respect your wife, you did not respect what you had at home, you did not value your reputation. To me you could reverse… Read more »
If you can reverse genders and feel the same way it is to your credit. But you must acknowledge that we live in a climate where a cheating man is asked “How could you do that to her?” and a cheating woman is asked “How did he mistreat you to drive you to cheat?”
I think you’re looking at it from the perspective of what a woman may say to a man who cheated and what a woman would say to a woman who cheated. Realistically, men probably give other men more sympathy when it comes to cheating and women probably give other women more sympathy when it comes to cheating as well. We can understand the movitavations of why someone of our own gender cheated because we’ve all experienced a time when we felt invalidated and had unmet needs in our own relationships. But that is not unique to women alone Theorema.
You are probably correct. As I have never cheated nor having been cheated (as far as I am aware), almost all of my experience of the subject comes from reading internet message boards. And there for some reasons the people telling their sad stories are 90% female, and so are those givign advice. Same with stories of bad or traumatic past relationships. It goes beyond the point of this discussion, but I have often wondered why that is. Either, on average, men are much more likely to be clueless, faithless assholes, or they just don’t like to talk about their… Read more »
I have been all of the above never cheated or thought about it, I had plans written on paper, what I would do with my girlfriend for the next upcoming 30 years, I was honest and open but one day I woke up to her telling me that she likes someone else she met for a while and we should break up, I was too busy trying to achieve the success we boht discussed on our first meeting to see what was going on and I have been told about on different sources out there that I wasn’t alpha enough… Read more »
A cheating man is called an asshole. A cheating woman is called an asshole… who is also a slut, bitch, whore, tramp, cumbag and any other sexist term designed to humiliate women for their sexual experiences (mostly linked to female “promiscuity” than anything else).
I am a good man. For years, I cheated. Cheating was bad, no question. It was bad for my wife, bad for my family, bad for me. But I resent – and disagree with – the notion that “cheating” is a sort of binary indicator of goodness. I believe that people “cheat” for many reasons, and that there are many people who are kind, considerate, and caring, but who find themselves – for whatever reasons – being unfaithful to their spouses. And while this action may be a bad one, it doesn’t necessarily, always, and in every instance, equate to… Read more »
“While monogamy isn’t necessarily natural to humans, a good man understands that being natural is not the point. Monogamy is a choice. It is a pledge to the person you love to commit yourself to them, and only them. A good man has the ability to resist his basic urges for the sake of a more important choice he has made for himself.” James, I found it amusing that you linked an article to your website about how “monogamy isn’t natural to humans” but it actually provided no facts or scientific basis. Just a little bit about how most animals… Read more »
“That’s like saying that because most animals kill other animals for their food, that humans killing humans for food would be natural too.”
Incorrect. Many animals (not most; herbivores outnumber carnivores) kill animals OF OTHER SPECIES for food, but very few eat others of their own kind. Humans, of course, are the same as other carnivores in this respect.
Yeah, maybe that wasn’t the greatest example Rex but they are still all animals without getting specific about species. And I stand by my point that monogamy is not “unnatural” anymore then it’s “unnatural” to sleep with other people. Both are natural, they both support life in their own ways and we have different reward circuts for both.
Females kill and eat their own children. Males also kill youngs.
I never cheated because opportunities never fell into my lap, and I was too lazy to actively pursue them. I’ll bet a lot of men, if they’re honest with themselves, would say the same.
(Not cheating didn’t help my marriage. We drifted into being roommates-only, my wife got a boyfriend, and now we’re splitting up.)
Of course you are not either a cheater or a non-cheater. Everybody has a price. Not cheating while you’re home alone is easier than not cheating when you are a rock star with groupies throwing themselves at your feet. I guess that is why powerful politicians and Hollywood people seem to cheat so much more than other people. Opportunity. If they had the regular Joe life they likely would stay faithful.
Pondering this I begin to understand the line from the Lord’s Prayer: And lead us not into temptation. It makes it so much easier to stay good.
Maybe Theorema. Or maybe it appears that politicians and Hollywood people cheat more because we simply report on it. No one is reporting on regular people who cheat. And frankly, I think there are a lot of famous people who have maintained monogamous relationships. But you are right that opportunity is probably the biggest test of who we are. And it probably makes some of us feel better to assume that everyone would naturally make the same choices we would given the same situation. Whether that means we would cheat and find solidarity in the belief that everyone else would… Read more »
This is a great article. But women cheat too. In the end, it’s not a question of primal urges or anything that drives cheating but mental and emotional health. If you’re thinking about cheating, ask yourself what’s going on in you, because emotionally and mentally healthy people end relationships that aren’t working for them, and emotionally and healthy people do not need to cheat.
Lesley, I would agree and say men and women usually cheat because the relationship isn’t working, usually because they’ve not had their basic needs met within the relationship. Cheating is a desperate attempt to feel wanted and loved again,without throwing away years of investment and a shared life. How well that works out, well, I think we know a bit about that…
What about the effects on any children?
That is a major reason why I haven’t cheated. The pain it would cause my kids would be devastating.
I’m constantly seeing articles now that say men should do this or a gentleman never does this. It seems that everyone is now putting the bulk of a relationship working out, on men’s shoulders. At what point do we start insisting that women start participating in relationships, instead of sitting on the sidelines, waiting while men do everything.
Good man, gentleman, or Real Man. Yes. The whole world on your shoulders.Cause most women do not believe they have agency; they see themselves not as somebody who acts, but as somebody who is acted upon. Read the online women’s magazine of your choice: It’s mostly articles about things that happened to women (or did not happen, or ought to happen, or stop happening), only rarely about what they did.
Actually, most women believe they DO have agency. They just see how many people want them to have less agency once again.
I think you just proved his point lolabunny, by emphasising what *happens to* women, in emphasising how women are victimised by what other people think about them, and so have now an excuse to present with no agency, because they are seen as having no agency.
Nah, you are just twisting it as you please.
I could say the same about the other dude’s comment. Complaining about how men are being victimized by what other people think about them and want them to do! You believe you have no agency anymore!
Spare me.
Jim, it’s very popular for a lot of female entertainment to give advice to women about what to do in their relationships. This is the basis of the magazine industry and the self improvement section at the book store. Relationship books written by relationship experts are more times then not, written for women since women are the ones who seem to be seeking that kind of information. Female-centric articles are plastered everywhere about what you should be doing for your man, including giving us advice about how to become his sexual fantasy. Women participate in their relationships as much as… Read more »
“It seems that everyone is now putting the bulk of a relationship working out, on men’s shoulders.”
No, that’s about sharing the bulk. Men haven’t still started to read, research and discuss about relationships as much as women.
“At what point do we start insisting that women start participating in relationships, instead of sitting on the sidelines, waiting while men do everything.”
That’s exactly the contrary. Okay, i won’t be as asinine as you’ men do a lot. But they don’t as much.
Women still do most of the work, emotionally and inside of the house. They are the ones that care for the ill in the family. They are the ones to give up their carreers the most for their kids. And men are whining about doing their share. Hahaha!