After a 7-month hiatus from writing, I finally have something to say. This is a new-year’s gift from me to my readers reflecting on my 2023, the year I had my firsts, loved, lost, grieved, learned and grew.
In all 26 years of my life, I have finally realized that it takes more than being older to become a man.
Let’s face it. We’ve all seen 40+-year-old man-children and 20+-year-old men. What separate the two are simply character and thought process. You may argue that older people are more experienced and therefore, know better and you would be right to an extent. However, experience does not always equal perfection and intelligence.
For example, you may be older and have more experience in romantic relationships than I am but remain clueless when it comes to being a better partner to your significant other. There are people with many failed relationships who refuse to take accountability for the part that they played in those failed relationships. This hinders emotional and psychological growth and maturity.
Another example is sex. You may have a higher body count than me and at surface level, you would know more about sex than I do. I’m talking to men. However, you may find that you give none of the women you have sex with an orgasm whereas me with my low body count and lack of sexual experience can give a woman I sleep with multiple orgasms. Like I said, experience does not always equal perfection.
As I am about to explore the firsts that I had this year, it’s not about the actions that I took that made me become a man. It’s about the lessons that I learned from those actions and how they shaped my character and personal development.
1. Had my first adventure
Around August 2023 I went with 7 of my colleagues to Acrobranch Adventure Park in Johannesburg. I chose the most advanced adventure in terms of difficulty. I chose the High-Flying course and 4x rides on the Big Zip combo. Mind you I have acrophobia. So, you may ask why would I take this risk, considering I’m afraid of heights?
My answer is that’s the whole point. I did exactly what I was afraid of so that by the end of it, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I achieved my goal to overcome my fear of heights. I was just super exhausted after the adventure because that was the most physically challenging activity I had ever done at the time. Out of the 8 of us, only 3 made it to the finish line and the rest gave up in early stages.
I admit that there was a point at which I also wanted to give up and I almost did, but I couldn’t. I wanted to start something and finish it and I did just that. This was my second goal of doing the adventure.
2. Had my first girlfriend
This one is huge for me because it literally took me 25 years of my life to be fully ready for a relationship. Yes, I liked girls before and had multiple opportunities presenting themselves to me to date, but I never grabbed any of them until 2023. I wasn’t ready to date anyone.
Before this year, I had only felt ready to date one girl, but I never got her. If you’re wondering what happened, read the story I will attach below. Truth is if I had dated her, I was going to mess up our relationship because I didn’t know any better. I was such a simp and I was infatuated with the girl. At the time, I had made the mistake of confusing my infatuation with love.
I put the girl on a pedestal and was convinced that getting her was what I needed to be happy and complete. When I didn’t get her, I had to learn to love myself and be self-sufficient before finding happiness in someone else, and I finally did.
My first relationship is amazing, I tell you. I’m dating an incredible woman who resembles me in so many ways. She is everything I had ever wished for in a girlfriend. She is the first woman to ever win my heart in all 26 years of my life and I am fully and completely in love with her. The best part is that she loves me just as much. All the years I spent preparing to be in a relationship were all just for her.
Just like any other relationship, ours also has its ups and downs and there have been a couple of times when we almost broke up, but somehow, we worked it out. If I was still the self-insufficient simp, I wouldn’t have my girlfriend as we speak. I still have her because I have a backbone, integrity and I’m a nice guy with boundaries.
Just a little background story on how we first met, we met on 05 May 2023 in Cape Town at a hotel where we both attended work-related training. At the time, I was still with the catfish. If you want to know more about the catfish, click on the stories below.
My girlfriend and I have known each other for 7 months and have dated for exactly 5 months. It’s our 5-month anniversary today.
We met outside a lift in the hotel with our suitcases already packed to fly back to our respective homes. We carried them downstairs at the reception before going back to the training room, and we also had lunch together before heading back to the training room, again. I found myself switching seats and sitting next to her for remainder of our training. We also bumped into each other twice at the airport as we went for our respective return flights check-ins.
She’s one of the few women I had ever boldly asked for her phone number when I first met her. I’m so glad I did. However, I had no idea that she would eventually end up being my girlfriend. I was just curious to get to know her with zero intentions of dating her, but then one thing led to another a month after breaking up with the catfish. She also happened to be the one to help me discover that the catfish was a Black guy.
At this point there is no denying that we were destined to meet.
There is a lot we are both still learning from being in a relationship with each other. Relationships are never easy. Before I started dating, I thought that they are supposed to be easy when you are dating the right person, but the truth is they aren’t. You both must put in the work to meet each other halfway, commit and be consistent for the relationship to work. It can never work when it’s one-sided.
3. Travelled long distances to surprise-visit my girlfriend and family
Before this year, I had never travelled long distances to visit anyone by surprise. The first person I ever paid a surprise visit to is my girlfriend. A few days before, she had flown from her hometown to Pretoria for another training with the same company that had brought us to Cape Town for training where we first met.
On her last day in Pretoria, I decided to pay her a surprise visit in a hotel in Pretoria where she attended the training and I Ubered from Johannesburg to there. The drive was 1 hour and 30 minutes long, my longest one to date in an Uber.
This was the first night on which we met as a couple and the night we first kissed and boy did we kiss. We just couldn’t help it. She was so nervous, caught of guard and excited at the same time. The date was 05 October 2023. It was one of the most magical nights of my entire life and I get butterflies everytime I think about it. I also made out with her outside when I had to go back to my place. This was my first ever PDA experience.
The second time I paid a surprise visit was to my family. I flew from Johannesburg to my hometown without informing anyone about it and it blew their minds.
The third time I did this was on 25 November when I decided on the very last minute to fly from Johannesburg to my hometown to bury a late friend of mine. I did not care about the costs of the flight tickets. All I wanted was to pay my last respects to my friend and show my condolences and support to her father who is my hometown Uber Driver and neighbour.
I did not do any of this because I expected anything in return. I did it because I care about these people and what I did meant a lot to them.
4. Lost and buried a friend
This was the second funeral I had ever attended in my life and it was the first time I had lost a friend to death.
My friend lost her life tragically on 17 November 2023 and we laid her to rest on 25 November 2023.
We grew up and attended Sunday School together. She was so lovely, pleasant and beautiful. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other for almost a decade until one day in February 2023 when she suddenly popped in my mind and I sent her a follow request on Instagram.
She accepted, I reached out and she accepted me back on her life with open arms. We started catching up online since then and I also texted her my WhatsApp number since I was not very active on Instagram. She then saved my number and then texted me on WhatsApp.
Before meeting her online, she was just a girl I grew up with and attended Sunday School with, a neighbour. However, when we started reconnecting online, she became more of a friend, a very good friend.
Most of our chats were discussing our future plans and we had no idea that one of us would have their life cut short. She was only 28 years of age. I had no idea that I would gain a friend in February 2023 and lose her for good in November of the same year.
The last time I had a chat with her was on 10 November 2023 when I responded to a status that she had posted on WhatsApp. This was exactly a week before she passed away. We were talking about the best times that we’ve had in 2023 and the last thing she said to me was the following:
“Dude. Those moments that you get to be happy, please be happy!!! Life is freakin’ hard.”
I will cherish these words for the rest of my life and live by them. Life is too short and fragile to not be happy.
Truth is before my friend passed away I had no idea that I loved her the way I did. Her death hit me so hard and I’ve been thinking about her ever since she passed on. The day before the day she was laid to rest, I found myself having a restless night and I felt it deep in my heart that I was not going to find my closure and peace if I were to miss her funeral.
So, I spent thousands on departure and return flights just so I could attend her funeral. I booked for the flights the night before and I didn’t care about the cost. All I wanted to do was to pay my last respects to my friend. When I finally did that, I finally found the closure I needed.
I may have had my friend for only 9 months but the impact she had in my life for those 9 months will last for a lifetime. I cannot even bring myself to delete our Instagram and WhatsApp chats because they are the last memories I have of her and I am not ready to let go of those.
I also can’t unfollow her on Instagram and delete her contact number, even though there is no point in keeping it. It will take time before I can do that.
May she rest in eternal peace.
5. Made love for the first time
Early in November 2023, my girlfriend and I booked a luxurious hotel for our first 3-day weekend getaway. That was when we made love for the first time before going on our first date, literally. She flew from her hometown to my province for our weekend getaway.
It turns out that both my girlfriend and I weren’t very experienced when it came to sex. She’s dated twice before and I never dated, but I learned from being physically intimate with her that her key is still unlocked.
Of course, she has had some experience with sex, but she’s still unlocked and there’s a lot she hasn’t done sexually. We are both comfortable with our lack of sexual experience and are learning new things sex-wise from exploring each other.
Some of the things I learned about myself from all things sex-related include me being a phenomenal kisser. Apparently, my partner gets overwhelmingly wet from kissing me. I also learned that I’m above average for her since it was a struggle to penetrate her on the first couple of nights we spent together.
I also discovered that I can literally give my girlfriend multiple orgasms and make her cum without even penetrating her. I also discovered that I can last long in bed and I never finish before my girlfriend does. Isn’t that amazing, especially for a guy who’s been a virgin for 25 years?
Like I said, experience does not always equal perfection. There are a lot of men out there with a higher body count than mine who still struggle to give their significant others an orgasm and then there’s me. I’m probably coming across as boasting, but the truth is I’m simply discovering new things about myself.
There’s a lot more juicy details I could reveal about my first sex experience but out of respect for my partner and our relationship, I won’t.
6. Went on my first date
For our first date, I took my girlfriend bowling and then to a seafood restaurant. Everything about that date was perfect. It was also my first time trying seafood and I gave it a 10/10 rating. My girlfriend did not even want to go outside. She just wanted to make love and cuddle in our hotel room. I had to practically force her to take her out and I’m so happy that I did because she ended up having the best time of her life. It made me so happy seeing her that happy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the list of my firsts that I have been discussing did not automatically make me a man. There are tons of grown men out there who have done the things I have mentioned several times but still think and act like children. So, it’s less about the actions and more about what I learned from them and how they shaped my emotional and personal development. I am a man not because of what I did, but because of how what I did has changed me for the better and the learning and growing doesn’t stop here.
Happy new year!!!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Simone Pellegrini on Unsplash
