3 Secrets Your Fearful Avoidant Partner Is Scared to Express to You

Do you ever wonder what is going on inside your partner’s mind?

It isn’t very clear because you feel like you know your partner, but they show a set of characteristics and behaviors you don’t understand.

One minute, you’re living in peace and harmony, and the next, turmoil enters the room and takes over the space.

You feel like you’re in a constant battle with your partner because you have some thoughts and insight into their behaviors, but approaching them with the conversation is a hill to climb.

Inhale and take a deep breath with me because I understand your position.

There is a flip side to this conversation to consider.

Your partner is facing an internal battle, and unless they know about attachment style, they haven’t begun to understand the root of their behaviors.

The struggle can be prevalent for the fearful-avoidant even when they are aware of their behaviors because they constantly ride a seesaw of emotions.

The fearful-avoidant struggle tetters between their avoidant side and their fearful side rooted in anxious behaviors. This base is the reason they are the “hot-and-cold” attachment style.

The fearful-avoidant also has secrets they wish to express but might not know how to let it out.

The push

The troubling part of working with a fearful-avoidant is you don’t know what side of the seesaw they appear to be on.

Your relationship can seem to move and progress flawlessly, and out of nowhere, your avoidant partner pulls away when doubt creeps in.

It feels like you were blindsided and caught off guard with no notice.

Your partner has been stewing back and forth between their thoughts and beliefs about relationships.

In short, they don’t feel safe.

Do you feel your partner trusts slowly, and allowing a close bond into their life seems like a tall task?

No matter how far they let you in, it feels like they are holding you at a safe distance.

Your partner is scared to tell you that their ultimate fear is that you will be the one to leave, so they hedge by doing it first.

It sounds so backward because you feel like you’re a supportive partner, but their fear lies in the fearful and anxious part of their mind that has an abandonment wound.

If your partner hasn’t physically left, they will keep you at bay by controlling the pace of the relationship.

It sounds like they are being intentionally manipulative, but they’re protecting themselves from being hurt.

The subconscious logic is, “If I don’t go to the deep end, then I can’t drown.”

The novel

Your partner is a secret spy.

I’m kidding, but the fearful-avoidant constantly observes their surroundings and those they have allowed into that space.

Fearful-avoidants don’t live comfortably in the grey area or the unknown. It’s why they are seemingly always asking for details and questioning situations.

They’re reacting to perceived threats and red flags, but they are not the most efficient communicators when they have to share a curiosity.

Your partner is scared to tell you when they want more information because their avoidant side tells them they’re overreacting.

Their anxious side tells them to remain curious and fill the gaps in the story.

As the partner of a fearful-avoidant, you are in a troubling spot. It becomes your responsibility to overshare and check in with your partner or be approached with the outcome of them filling the gaps.

Your partner struggles to find the middle ground between overreacting and not paying enough attention to detail.

You can feel it in their communication style when conversations seem closer to an interrogation than two people having a conversation.

Stay receptive and informative, but make sure your partner is not controlling the conversation.

There are different approaches and methods they need to take to find understanding with you.

Band-aid

Believe it or not, your partner desperately wants to heal from their past and move toward a healthy future.

Simply put, they don’t know how. Yes, it is because of their internal struggle, but it is also because uncovering their past is strenuous.

Do you remember the old cartoons and movies when someone was thinking, and they had the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other?

The battle that the fearful-avoidant faces is relatable to this exact scenario.

How do you move forward, but every time you take a step forward, another part of your mind tells you it isn’t safe?

Tunde, why don’t they ask for help? Asking for help triggers the avoidant side of their mind and tells them to do it independently.

Your partner is scared of appearing weak and lacking the independence to problem-solve.

As their patience seems non-existent, yours is running thin. Rightfully so, but now we go back to the start of the cycle where they feel you could leave, so what do they do?

I hope that brings clarity to the constant cycle your partner is experiencing.

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Navigating this dynamic takes understanding, time, patience, and the desire to implement new behaviors and techniques to get on the right path.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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