3 Signs Your Partner’s Love Is Actually Manipulative ‘Love Bombing’

When you enter into a new relationship, it can all feel so exciting. Maybe you’ve been single for a while. Maybe you’ve dated people who mistreated you or made you feel unimportant.

Regardless, getting positive attention from others feels nice — that’s certainly a normal thing to experience.

But here’s a hard truth: Not all signs of love are as positive as they may seem. There is an element of truth to the idea that “some things are too good to be true.”

This brings in the concept of “love bombing,” which is “characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person,” according to Sasha Jackson, LCSW, a licensed therapist quoted in a Cosmopolitan article. It’s a manipulation tactic and form of emotional abuse.

Let’s talk about how to differentiate love from “love bombing.”

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3 Signs You’re Being Love Bombed

1. They shower you with intense affection early on

This partner may order a bouquet of roses to your workplace. They may spend hundreds of dollars on you on lavish trips and jewelry. They may talk about how you’re soulmates.

These actions can feel really nice—and are often glorified in romance movies, which is a whole other issue — and also could be a sign you’re being love bombed.

2. The way they treat you changes significantly

Does your partner ever pick a fight with you — one that may be verbal or physical — then beg for your forgiveness after or “kiss up”?

Or maybe sometimes you’re “the most amazing person they’ve ever met,” and other times you’re “terrible”?

These can also be warning signs, in which the “positive” moments are love bombing and not as authentic as they may seem.

3. You feel like the relationship is moving too quickly

Hearing your partner say things like, “We were made for each other” early in the relationship can feel nice sometimes. If you’re like me, you may ache to be loved seriously and audibly by a romantic partner.

However, statements like those, especially at the beginning of a relationship, aren’t typically a great sign. They may mean your partner is trying to keep you close and in the relationship — not because they truly mean them with no other purpose in mind.

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The Difference Between Love and Love Bombing

Feeling confused right now? That’s understandable. A lot of those signs — gift-giving, saying heartwarming things, asking for forgiveness — can be signs of genuine and healthy love.

So where do we draw the line?

It’s tricky. Here are some tips that can help you differentiate love from love-bombing:

“It’s all about timing”

One place to start is by looking at the timeline. As you may have noticed from the signs, they typically happen in days or weeks rather than months. This may cause them to seem extra intense.

Compared to other healthy relationships….

Think about relationships in your life that you know are healthy. Can you see that person doing the same thing? Does it feel “normal” to you, in your gut?

Does it pass the reality check?

Similarly, does the attention and admiration your partner shares match up with what you know to be true and sensical?

For example, you can’t get to know someone wholeheartedly in a couple of dates, meaning it’s a lot harder to know if someone is truly your soulmate in that time (plus, “soulmate” can be an intense word).

Love with an ulterior motive

Do those signs of love tend to come with a price?

Maybe you feel pressured to have sex since they just bought you dinner. Or their love comes with a side of not letting you spend time with other people. Or they show you extra love only after hurting you, when you’re tempted to break up with them.

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What to Do When You Realize You’re Being Love Bombed

First, try to be self-compassionate and understanding, while allowing yourself to feel any emotions that arise. (More on this in the next section.)

Then, when you feel able to do so, it may be a good idea to consider what would be best for you moving forward. Talking to a professional or loved one you trust can help.

If you don’t have or can’t afford a therapist (relatable), you can try a domestic violence (DV) helpline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
Online chat

Generally speaking, it’s best to leave abusive relationships, but it’s not always that easy. In fact, leaving (and the months that follow) can be the most dangerous time for survivors.

Plus, survivors may face other barriers to leaving, such as still loving the person in their good moments, not having the money to afford a new place, threats from the abuser, and more.

I say that not to scare you, but to prepare you. And remember, a DV therapist or DV center staff member can help you figure out the safest plan.

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Remember This: What Being Love Bombed Doesn’t Say About You

When you realize your partner is love bombing you, a lot of emotions can arise: fear, shame, confusion, anxiety, and more. It can be easy to blame yourself, to feel “stupid,” to worry about your future relationships, and to wonder what exactly is “so bad.”

Here’s what I want you to know: You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. You aren’t stupid. You deserve (and can find) a healthier, stable relationship where the love you receive is 100 percent genuine.

Keep repeating this to yourself. It’s OK if you struggle to believe those things at first — just keep trying. They’ll feel more true one day.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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