4 Powerful Lessons That Have Helped Me Find and Create Fulfilling Relationships

“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

— Brené Brown=

I lost count of the years I felt unfulfilled in my relationships.

Almost every day, I felt worn out and as if I was the only human being on this planet to sacrifice his ambitions and needs for the sake of others.

I could not quite wrap my head around what I was doing wrong and why relationships were such a pain for me. The only thing I wanted to do was to feel supported, belonged and loved. Was I that undeserving?

Then, almost seven years ago, after a sudden breakup and many other relationship obstacles, I arrived at a breaking point. I realised I had to make some significant changes, so I sought help from a therapist, a bunch of self-help books, and several self-development experts.

Through this process, I have obtained numerous lessons that have aided me in discovering and putting together the fulfilling relationships I currently have.

Here are the four most powerful and insightful lessons I have discovered:

1. Love comes from within.

One of my favourite passages on love begins,

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

During my early twenties, I understood it as though I had to look for someone who was good-natured and accommodating, not jealous or boastful, and so on.

I believed it was informing me that I had to judge other people based on that criteria to find out whether or not it was genuinely “love.” I assumed it was about finding it in the external world.

Then, when I heard this passage at a conference several years ago, I had a eureka moment: This verse does not teach us to find these traits in other people. Instead, it teaches us that this is the love that we can unearth within ourselves.

It is the love that led to the existence and preservation of this universe. It is a love that we all have.

We are not designed to find love externally but to connect to it within so that we can nurture even more of that love in the world around us.

The love we look for is something we already possess from the day we were born. When we deliberately tap into that inner love and express it in the world, we can then start to observe the love around us.

2. We receive what we offer.

Although I frequently sensed that I played the giver role in my relationships, what I was offering was not necessarily healthy.

Oftentimes, I offered myself to others in order to be welcomed and stay away from the pains that come from rejection because I feared being insecure.

My emotions got the better of me. I was acting from a position of fear rather than of inner love.

If you wish others to be more authentic and vulnerable, you have to do the same.

If you want others to discuss their feelings openly and honestly, you have to do the same.

This does not promise they will reciprocate. However, it gives birth to opportunities for the kind of relationship you would like to possess in your life.

Most of us clearly know what we want in our relationships. However, we are blind to the importance of our part. We can establish and maintain the tempo. If we are willing to set the example, it is more probable that others will follow and return the favour.

3. We must accept people where they are.

Although I want more support, understanding and intimacy in my relationships, I had to learn to swallow the fact that others did not always want the same things I did.

Even if they did want the same things, they were plainly unprepared for them at that moment.

In learning this lesson, I put behind idealistic dreams that some people would one day transform and appreciate those relationships for what they were.

Often, we encounter setbacks in relationships because we are not being honest with ourselves. Our first instinct is to reject what is while holding on to our own idealistic vision of what could be.

When we receive relationships as they are, we welcome opportunities to connect meaningfully with others who can offer us what we know we deserve.

4. Fearing being authentic is more heartbreaking than actually being authentic.

I always hesitate to reveal my inner truth in relationships because I am scared stiff of rejection.

I felt that I was never enough or worthy deep down.

I was afraid that others would instinctively dismiss me if I showcased my special, genuine interests and talents. I felt that I would be granted social acceptance by fitting in.

However, the reality is that it took so much more effort, stress and heartache to continue gripping this fear.

As I have slowly but surely learned how to express my authenticity in relationships, it has not only made my relationships more satisfying but also provided me with the energy that I can channel towards more proactive things.

Concluding Remark

The more we learn the power of our own actions and line them up with our heart’s true desires, the closer we will get to establishing relationships that are held together by intimacy, fulfilment, love, and authenticity.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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