Early dating is simultaneously thrilling, rewinds and fast-forwards through life. You’re getting to know someone, reading between the lines in every message, every glance, every “what are you doing this weekend?” It’s exciting — and also rife with misunderstandings. And too often, women read into things that don’t actually exist.
That’s not because women are dumb or excessively emotional — it’s because dating is messy. We are all attempting to decode what someone does from within the filter of our own expectations. But if those expectations are based on outdated paradigms or assumptions, they can prevent you from realizing what a man is really saying or doing. Here are some typical ways women misjudge men’s feelings when things are new.
Consistency feels deeper than it is
When a man sends you good morning texts every single day, inquires after your day and remembers that a wet, extra hot coffee with soy milk and three shots of vanilla is your favorite, it’s not hard to assume that he’s serious about you. Consistency for many women feels like an indicator of authentic investment — and occasionally, it is. But sometimes, it’s not.
The fact of the matter is that there are men who are habitual communicators and there are those who just like to have a person to converse with. Consistency feels great — and creates some emotional intimacy — but it doesn’t always indicate that they are looking for something long term. If a man hasn’t defined the relationship he has with you then he’s also not committed to talking to you every single day, so in some cases, the constant boundary-less communication may also be a sign that he has nothing close to a serious relationship in mind.
Chemistry feels like connection
Sparks fly. The attraction is electric. You find yourself completing each other’s sentences and laughing at the same jokes. You hook up and it feels real. And of course it starts to become other things in your head, because why else would it be this intense?
Yet sometimes that chemistry is simply chemistry. Some men don’t connect passion with connection/love. Women commonly misperceive sexual compatibility or a flirtatious exchange as evidence of something more. It’s not coercive — it’s just a disconnect in interpretation. Do not let the butterflies convince you he’s emotionally available if he’s not showing it in his actions when you’re not in the bedroom.
Openness feels like exclusivity
He talks to you about his childhood, his most painful breakup, how he feels about his mother. His vulnerability touches you — it feels rare, like you’ve discovered something secret about him. And of course, you imagine that you’re the only one he’s opening up to this way.
But many men can be emotionally open without being monogamous. They might really love the deep, thoughtful talks but that doesn’t mean they think you’re the one. Don’t mistake emotional connection for exclusivity if there hasn’t been open communication about what you are to each other.
Effort feels like long-term interest
He plans cute dates. He books dinner reservations. He surprises you with flowers even. Amid all the low-effort dating, something like that can be enough to make it seem like a green flag that’s flapping wildly in the wind. And it often is. But not always.
Some men are generally charismatic and have the knack of acting like an attentive boyfriend even when they intend to slip out the back door. It’s not that they are lying — it’s that their goals are different. He may enjoy the chase, the excitement of wooing, but has no interest past the honeymoon period. If he hasn’t asked about the future, or spoken about his own, don’t get ahead of yourself in valuing the effort itself.
Final thoughts
Dating is a playground of feelings, and it’s all too tempting to assign meaning to the actions of someone that make you feel good. Women are often told to “read the signs,” but in early dating, the signs are pretty unreliable. A sweet text does not make a plan. A deep conversation is not the equivalent of exclusivity. And that he’s showing up today, doesn’t mean he will tomorrow.
The surest way to prevent misinterpreting a man’s motives? Don’t assume. Ask. Clarify. Watch what he does, as they say. It’s not always clear what people intend, and no amount of rumination is going to make that clear. But that you can communicate — and that’s the sexiest thing you can do.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jed Villejo on Unsplash
