As a woman, a former waitress and the love interest of multiple men, I’ve found myself in dozens of situations where I felt like I was expected to be impressed by a guy, only to roll my eyes at his behaviour as soon as I turned away from him.
Especially when they’re drunk. And especially when they’re in a group of other males, racing each other in the Alpha dominance over a pub table. Shouting and making sneery remarks at waitresses is apparently the correct way to win the competition of manliness.
Except it’s a completely wrong way to win, let alone manage to do anything related to sparking interest in women. Turns out, being loud and over-the-top hilarious doesn’t always pay out.
This isn’t, unfortunately, the only annoying thing that men mistake for attractiveness and an excellent mating strategy. There are plenty, most of which are conditioned by the patriarchal society we all live in.
All genders are brought up to think and act a certain way. There’s usual stereotypical behaviour for women and there’s one for men — no inbetweeners allowed. There’s very little freedom to embrace femininity as a man and masculinity as a woman, let alone expressing our identity in other ways.
It’s not completely men’s fault when they have misconceptions about what’s hot and what’s not — but it’s also not something we should encourage, mainly because lots of these feed into the mentality of toxic masculinity.
Men, If you’ve ever committed any of the following mistakes with the intention to appear manly and attractive, let me tell you: It’s okay to have made mistakes. But it’s also more than okay to learn from them and to be a better man tomorrow.
What you consider hot might actually only be worth one eye-roll and a laugh over a drink with her friends.
Beware of becoming any of the following types of males.
He’s been everywhere, he knows everything, he’s eager to correct you when you make a mistake, but he’s having a hard time to deal with being corrected himself.
That’s Mr Know-It-All. Brace yourselves, everyone. He will dominate the dinner table, he will never ask questions but he’ll always make sure to answer every single one. Even when he has no clue what he’s talking about.
I’m eye-rolling straight to heaven.
If you don’t know something, it’s okay to say so. As a man, you don’t need to know every single information there is. Authority doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from maturity, healthy confidence and the willingness to improve every single day.
Socrates said it best:
He wasn’t scared to admit that life is a constant quest after knowledge and wisdom — and that he hasn’t got to that place yet, and maybe he never will.
Men, it’s hot to be humble. It’s sexy when you show that you accept your fate of not knowing everything there is to know in the whole universe. It’s attractive when you know that you can be wrong and when you strive to learn from others, especially women, how to do things better.
Wisdom is hot. Mr Know-It-All is not.
Mr Too Cool
He’s cool, he’s cold, nothing throws him off. He’s the shit. He walks with his shoulders knocking the breath out of pure air and his eyes are ready to watch violence without flinching.
There’s not a pinch of weakness inside of his manly soul. He can sort anyone out. Any dog will listen to him if he just shouts enough. Any woman will cry on his shoulders.
He’s a man. And he suppresses his emotions his whole life until one day, he erupts in a wave of anger that surprises even himself. Where did all those emotions come from?
I’m scared, and I quickly get out of his proximity.
Men, be compassionate. Show sadness. If you feel the tears coming, let them come. Our society has fucked you up like it does everyone — don’t let it get too deep.
Don’t continue suppressing what you’re feeling. If you’re angry, accept it and analyse how you feel. Let all emotions come. Express them, as far as you don’t hurt anyone and yourself.
It’s okay to cry, giggle, blush, walk like a model in front of the mirror, sing in the shower, hug your parents and cuddle animals.
Coldness is intimidating. Intimidating doesn’t win you love.
Kindness and compassion will.
He wants to be animalistic, rough and manly. If he uses a natural vegan shampoo, he only goes for the one saying Rough Nature: Wilderness for Men.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s literally nothing wrong about being animalistic and rough — it can be super hot. However, men often think that this roughness can only be expressed through aggression.
And aggression isn’t good when it’s not specifically asked for. Quite the opposite.
Being muscular and ready to punch someone isn’t your only attractive quality — in many cases, it’s not attractive at all. So many men walk around with their jaws clenched, prepared to show everyone around how much testosterone their bodies exactly contain.
I love me some caveman. But I also love me someone who can be gentle, friendly and who solves conflicts without raising his voice.
Fighting with someone in a pub isn’t very likely to win you the affection of women. They’ll most likely be disgusted and will try to escape the drama.
Mr Animal when appropriate, yes, please.
Mr Aggressive when uncalled for, not so much.
It’s hot when men show their love and appreciation. It’s attractive when they’re honest about their emotions and when they care deeply for their partners. Until they start bombing.
Mr Bomber is insecure. He’s scared he’ll lose her to someone better-looking, richer, more muscular or smarter. He thinks bombing her with his love will make him hotter, will make him the ultimate perfect guy, the ‘nice guy’ she wouldn’t dare to leave.
And if she does, at least he can say he brought her one hundred and ten stars from heaven, and she dumped him like the bitch she was.
I love it when my partner is vulnerable with me, when he tells me how much he loves me, when I can see he wants me. But I also know he’s just expressing his emotions, without any hidden intention. Without any fears or self-esteem issues.
You can smell the insecurity on Bombers. They put you on a pedestal, idealise you, tell you you’re their angel and saviour and the best gift from heavens, only to choke you with their infatuation to the point when you can’t breathe anymore.
That’s when she loses interest.
Putting anyone on a pedestal is dangerous. The moment you start looking up to them, they automatically start looking down on you. They grow colder. Distant.
You’re not hot anymore. Not because of your love and affection, as you’d like to believe, but because of the poor handling of your insecurities and the lack of respect for their space.
Give her space. Show her you can both be independent without each other. Show her you have a life and you like who you are.
No possessiveness, no extreme jealousy, no stalking or going through her stuff. Desperation is repulsive.
Trust is sexy.
I can’t count how many times I’ve waited tables where a guy was trying to be the most hilarious person of the party for two hours straight. The women were usually watching him, either quiet or giggling.
And he just kept on going. Shouting, saying loud jokes, making sure every single person in his surrounding sees how funny he is.
Now that’s a proper eye-roll.
Mr Hilarious knows how to get women — drill a hole in their head with his sexual jokes until they give in. It’s his form of hypnosis. He hypnotises her into sleeping with him and he hypnotises himself into thinking he’s the hottest guy in the restaurant.
And the waitress wishes someone else could serve the table instead of her so that she can be away from this loud joker before he gets drunk and asks her questions.
It’s hot to be funny. It’s hot to be charming.
It’s not so hot to try to be the centre of attention by making edging-on-sexist jokes and laughing across the whole room, disturbing other people.
. . .
Everyone can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Everyone can do something under the impression that it’s right, when in fact it’s the completely wrong way to go about doing things.
I bet I’ve done lots of things that I thought were the right course of action, only to come out of the situation embarrassed.
What’s important is to be able to listen to others, learn from the experience and be kind to each other.
Personally, the most attractive trait in a man is kindness.
I can sense it almost immediately. Sometimes I refuse to listen to my gut instinct and then I wonder where I went wrong, but that’s on me. Because deep down, I always know.
I was once attracted to a guy who seemed to be kind. Then I found out he was actually filled with insecurities and darkness that weighed like heavy baggage on our relationship because he wasn’t handling it well. He wasn’t so kind after all. We kept arguing and nothing I did was ever enough.
I stopped being attracted to him. Just like that. *snaps fingers*
Kindness and a sense of maturity are the traits that get you a good partner. Cultivate these inside of yourself and you’ll see miracles not only on the dating field but also in all spheres of life.
It’s a win-win situation.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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