Patrick King says that while the technology available to us has evolved quickly, our ability to use it effectively is severely lacking.
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Remember that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan classic from 1998, You’ve Got Mail? That was online dating in its true infancy. For context, a little company called Google was also founded in 1998…
So what has changed in the world of online dating since? We’ve got fancier and more sleek looking apps and websites as opposed to clunky chatrooms. Mobile has taken the forefront of innovation. We’ve curiously become simultaneously more instant gratification-driven (Tinder) yet desire curation (from Coffee Meets Bagel, to Tawkify and Three Day Rule).
But sadly, in my experience as a dating and online dating coach, it would be a big mistake to say that we’ve really evolved much as to how good we are at online dating. Men especially, as we are the ones that generally have to stand out. We still don’t quite know how to portray ourselves in the best light, how to choose the best pictures of ourselves, or generally how to succeed.
One of the biggest elements of success in online dating is undoubtedly how to send the first message. I’m going to break down the 5 biggest mistakes men make and lay out a simple formula to help you increase your reply rates.
1. Not being aware of the male/female economics of online dating
You’ve probably heard various statistics about what a good reply rate on first messages is for online dating. For men, the figure hovers somewhere from 20% to 40%. That is, there is such a gender imbalance that if you’re sending out messages to 10 women and 4 reply, you’re doing far better than average in online dating. Yikes.
This simple realization will help in the following ways.
It will combat the discouragement you will feel after not getting a reply back from someone who seemed like such a great fit profile-wise. It will condition your mindset to accept rejection, yet not take it personally because an online dating rejection is based on nothing of your actual identity.
From the practical standpoint, it means that you shouldn’t focus on the shallow hooks and openings she has in her profile… because five other guys will have messaged her about them that day. For example, if she’s a redhead, has a unique username, has tattoos, mentions something distinctly masculine like video games or sports… these all will earn you a trip to the delete button, because if a woman is getting that many messages, you’re just blending in with the rest!
2. Writing a book instead of a message
How would you start a conversation in real life with a woman? Besides simply saying “Hi,” maybe you’d lean in and make a joke about the crazy woman in line, or remark that her shirt reminded you of a tropical bird. Any of these openers are 1-3 sentences… because that’s the way you start an actual conversation naturally.
So why do so many people write paragraphs upon paragraphs about themselves, the woman, and an analysis of every little thing their profiles have in common? It’s not uncommon to see messages complete with an introduction, thesis, and conclusion.
What if you did this in person? “Hey, I also like to rock climb and watch Game of Thrones. Oh, also, did you know that Game of Thrones was filmed in [location]? I see you also went to Thailand, I did too 3 years ago! How are you liking Boston? My sister is a nurse too, and she loves her job.”
Keep this in mind: your initial message to a woman is just to start a conversation as organically as the medium allows and simply GET A REPLY – not seduce her or enthrall her. Hopefully that takes the pressure off that first message for you.
3. Focusing on yourself
At the most basic level, it’s redundant to introduce and focus on yourself in a message. It should be in your profile.
Why else shouldn’t you do this?
It screams copy and paste.
You’re probably not making yourself sound very interesting.
You don’t give her a reason to reply.
You’re not grabbing her attention in the first 5 seconds, which is the time she will allot for your message.
4. Being a pen pal; not striking while the iron is hot
This harkens back to the economics of dating. Once you’ve got a woman’s attention, you have only a very short period of time in which you can hold it.
If you’ve made it to message 3-5 from her, congratulations. The date is yours to lose and that’s as good of a green light as you’re going to get from her. Ask her out.
Anything more, and she will be waiting for you… and likely get message fatigue while waiting, and get scooped up by any of the other 3-5 guys she will be talking to simultaneously.
So don’t be a shy pen pal and message forever – you’re on a site/app thats sole purpose is facilitating real life introductions. Lead with that expectation, because she will.
5. Messages that would never work in real life
Here’s a short list of things men do online that would never work in real life.
- Cut and pasting the same thing to everyone.
- Putting her on a pedestal.
- Too many compliments.
- Grammatical and punctuation mistakes.
- Being overly sexual and aggressive.
- Asking 10 questions in a row, up front.
- Badgering her with messages if there is no reply.
So why would these work online?
So how do you send an effective first message to a woman that will get replies? Here are 4 easy steps.
1. Actually read her profile. Yes, I know. Take note of a couple of hooks and openings that you can personally relate to.
2. Write one sentence/question about a personal experience with the hook.
3. Write one sentence/question about a personal experience with the same hook, or another.
4. Make sure you include a call to action or reason for her to reply.
Want an example?
If she mentions loving skiing, and you took skiing lessons last year:
I took skiing lessons last year but thought that moguls were meant to be ramps, not obstacles to ski around… that day didn’t end well. Have you made it out to Mammoth lately?
It’s that easy.
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See more of Patrick’s writing at PatrickKingConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com
5 Mistakes Guys Make When Messaging Women Online –
[…]If you don’t understand something, then tell him/her so that they can clarify what you don’t get. […]
Leaving her to the 3-5 men she’s chatting with simultaneously is not a mistake. It’s a bullet dodged.
Something else I remembered. Leave the woman alone, who are too lazy or shy to put anything in their profile. There is nothing for you to talk to her about, if she won’t write anything at all (Zoosk is really bad for this). Same goes for pictures. Some woman don’t put up pictures on purpose for reasons of privacy, but they should be willing to share one you have exchanged some personal information, like your real name. I once dated someone I really liked who worked in the legal profession in a public position. I had to let her know… Read more »
I’m no adonis and am aging a little, but I seem to be able to get a 2-3 in 10 reply rate. Actual dates I get out of it is much lower, but still worth the trouble. In reality, you can likely find someone you will see more than once in the first month of using a site like this. It helps to stick to people who are in the same life stage as you are. For instance I am a recently separated male in my 40’s, so I have my profile filters set to encourage woman who are also… Read more »
The article says that once you’ve exchanged 5 or so lines of messages, then from there your chances only go down. I strongly recommend that this part of the advice in particular should not be given too much weight, depending on the context. On OKCupid, for example, yeah in my experience that is true, as the profiles already give you lot of information, so you already mostly know ever her or not you want to meet, it’s just a matter of getting the push. On tinder or anywhere else, I say hell no. Most guys I match with, and start… Read more »
In other words :
* Emancipation and equality are lies.
* Women are extremely shallow.
* Go for “quick sex” (even if you’re looking for romance / long-term relation)
And your action plan contradicts your first “don’t”.
Please dont make pages like this! I only pick up many women because most men have no clue about any of this ! Soon everyone will be smoothe and it will be back to looks only !
I was really disappointed with this article. The headline led me to believe that it was going to be about technology in current relationships, but it only offered pick-up tips for online dating sites. I appreciate that we, as men, need to be smarter about our engagement with women online. What I’d really like to know about is how after the relationship has been established and online communication remains to be the primary way you engage with her. Long-distance relationships are the perfect example of this.
Not sure why men still keep bothering with online dating. There’s no shortage of posts where the guys write decent messages, and get less than 1 in 20 reply rates. Online dating sounds like it benefits women mostly.
Hey Archy,
Whenever I see posts of guys bemoaning the fact that their great messages lead to dismal reply rates, I can’t help but wonder if the rest of their profile and pictures are in tip top shape… but you’re absolutely right that it’s a medium that caters to women – hard.
When I was into online dating, I really enjoyed it. I’m rather introverted so it was much easier to use dating sites and meetup over having to maintain an expanding social circle to find women offline. I found it eliminated a lot of anxiety that might exist from cold approaches offline as women online are, at least, looking to date. It took a little practice, but I learned that the points expressed in this article are very helpful and make a large difference. I hope this article will aid men in having a better online dating experience. The only tweak… Read more »
I like this chill approach to making your introduction.
I’ve never used apps like the ones named but it just plain makes common sense to make it easy to stand out by doing the opposite of what the losers are doing.
Solid advice Patrick. I trust I will be putting it to work someday soon.
Hey Lewis,
Good luck and don’t get discouraged by your first “no reply” 🙂
The problem is that a lot of women are terrible at writing profiles so they don’t really offer guys much of an insight into their personality. The result is loads of emails from men who are grasping at the only straws available (appearance, job, etc.). I think women need a post on how to create profiles that will actually interest the right guys.
Hey Josh,
Totally agree here. Unfortunately, I’m not sure it will ever reflect reality… as the influx of messages that women get regardless of the state of their profile enables them to put in minimal effort!
Sadly, not having a solid profile could lead to disillusionment. Lacking that information, quality guys might pass them over (if I can’t find *something* I have in common & start a conversation with, I’ll move on to the next girl) and the wrong guys would be contacting them. While women might not feel the sting of a non-reply due to the common dynamic, it’s important to remember men read through many profiles before deciding who to try contacting. All those skipped profiles are, in practice, rejections. So it’s critical for women to have solid, acurate profiles to get the most… Read more »
Skipped profiles are like gold. I can understand why people would make that assumption, but it’s completely untrue in practice. If they’ve come to the profile, they saw something there that they liked. They didn’t see enough that they were willing to initiate a conversation, and that’s why you go to their profile, see what’s there and if you think there’s going to be a match send them a message. This applies equally to women as it does to men. Anyways, there’s numerous reasons why a guy might view a profile and not leave a message other than just the… Read more »
I just skip those profiles. Unless you’re in an area where there aren’t many single women on dating sites, you can usually afford to just skip those profiles. Just because it’s a dating site, doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t have standards. I might give them a bit of benefit of the doubt if they haven’t left me with something to respond to or if the profile isn’t the greatest if I see something there. But, generally, they need to give me something to respond to and a hint about who they are. Interestingly enough, I learned a ton… Read more »
You totally missed the mark with this one. Totally.
Your example leaves out the item I would put as #1:
Actually read the whole profile and don’t just look at the picture and read a few stats like age and body type.
I met my fiancee through a dating website and she said I stood out as it was clear in my initial note to her that I actually read her profile. Apparently most guys didn’t take the time to and it was a huge turn off for her.
Apparently my correct use of “there”, “their”, and “they’re” worked wonders in impressing my wife. Though my admiration for the Oxford comma nearly did me in.
Hey Mikey,
Low standards, the key to happiness in life :p
The big trick is getting the messages to be received by somebody who is still there. One of the unfortunate truths about most dating sites is that about 90% of the profiles you see are abandoned or otherwise unable to respond. So, if you send out 100 messages it’s quite likely that 95% of them will go to accounts where nobody is even there to read them. That’s largely why I advocate against wasting time on sites where you have to pay to message. That’s essential use and a site should also regularly remove profiles that haven’t been used in… Read more »
Oddly, most of the time I found it was best to ask after a woman’s initial response. When she replies, answer, keep the conversation going, but suggest meeting up to continue in person (at a specific place/date/time). I figured since she’s read my profile and liked enough to reply to my message she’s probably already open to meeting. It was rare for women to say no or fade at this point, but if she declined I’d just roll with it and continue conversing without making it into a big deal. Usually it was women who were new to online dating… Read more »
“It’s that easy.”
But learn to accept rejection.