Damon Young lists the ways in which it sorta sucks to be single.
Originally appeared at Very Smart Brothas
While most will probably remember 2012 as the “Year Of The YOLO” (and by “most” I mean “like seven people“), it holds special significance for me because it’ll likely be the first year since 2002 where I spent the entire year single. I haven’t completed a full calender year yet — May will make it seven months since the former Lady Champ and I decided to go our separate ways — but because I seem to enjoy doing random anthropological experiments on myself for absolutely no reason (and because I’m an INTJ and INTJs apparently suck at relationships), I’m confident that I’ll make it to 2013 without having to change my Facebook relationship status again.
Anyway, if I could sum up my seven months of singledom in one word, it would most likely be “interesting.” I’ve met some “interesting” people, done some “interesting” things, made some “interesting” decisions, and, most importantly, thought some “interesting” thoughts. The most “interesting” of these “interesting” thoughts? Being a single man is kind of overrated.
Now, as I stated on the day where I wrote about orgasms, “overrated” doesn’t mean “bad.” In fact, as the careers of Tupac and Derrick Rose continue to prove, something can be very, very good — even great — and still be overrated. I’ve enjoyed being single, and will likely continue to enjoy it. But, while it seems like many assume that being a single man (a single Black man, at that) is nothing but an utopic stream of easy popsicles, cold pancakes, and syrupy p*ssy, there are a few downsides.
1. It can be very lonely
As a person who wanted to be single, is a natural introvert, and generally enjoys doing things by himself, I’m surprised by how, for lack of a better term, “noticeable” the solitude and loneliness of singledom can be. Even when seeing multiple people and/or having tons of friends, being single means that you are…single, by yourself, and there may be times when you want to have someone around but there will be no one that you want to be around readily available to be around.
Then, to add insult to injury, if you’re an angsty motherf*cker like me, you’ll start thinking things like “Wait. I’m a single man. A single Black man. My dad named me after Dolemite. Shaka Zulu is my second cousin. People who’ve never even met me call me “Champ” for chrissakes. Why the f*ck do I feel lonely right now?” which’ll make it even worse.
2. You have to wear condoms. And, wearing condoms sucks
If you’re one of the 137 people left on Earth who always has protected sex — even if in a long-term, monogamous relationship — just skip this section and move on to #3. Also, I’ve left a plate of gotdamn sugar cookies at the end of this post as a reward for your duty. Please eat them with a gotdamn smile.
If you’re not one of these people, you should be able to relate to how frustrating it’s been to go from condom-less sex to having to worry about having gotdamn condoms all the damn time. And, even if you’re not actively having sex, “Do I have condoms?” and “Since I don’t have condoms, is there somewhere close where I can buy them?” always has to be on your mind.
Also, from a logistical perspective, they’re a hassle to put on, they smell like a pack of slutty balloons, and “sex with condoms” will always be the Mike Conley of coitus.
There is always the alternative — just don’t wear condoms while single, either — but I think one Cromartie per generation is enough.
(Btw, is it just me, or has the price of condoms spiked dramatically in the past four years? I was last single in 2008, and I don’t remember a box of condoms costing as much as it does to fill a gas tank. Does this qualify as a “first world problem?” If a Black blogger bitches about condoms in the woods, would Kanye’s missing draws make a sound?)
As much as condoms suck, they don’t suck as much as…
3. Having to participate in the dating game
In a paradox so annoying that I almost didn’t mention it today because I plan on spending an entire day on this sole topic soon, I love meeting new, interesting women but I hate the process that usually goes along with meeting new, interesting women.
I understand (and appreciate) the purpose of the process, but knowing why it’s necessary doesn’t mean that you have to enjoy it.
4. The superficial romantic connections synonymous with singledom gets old
Ironically, the best thing about being a single man — possessing the ability to have myriad short, commitment-free relationships AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!!! — ends up being one of the worst after enough time has passed.
This actually hasn’t happened to me yet. I guess I’m still in the single honeymoon phrase. But, I’m certain it will, and the thought of this happening is already depressing me.
Actually, this entire list is getting depressing. ***Making note to self to make sure tomorrow’s post is about the playoffs or strippers or something***
5. You start to realize some, um, “unpositive” things about yourself
I’ve been in three long-term — “long term” = “monogamous relationship lasting at least a year” — relationships as an adult. Each of these relationships failed, and my wanting to be single was the main catalyst behind each of these failures. Now, because I’ve always been a guy who did all the “right on paper” relationship things — I’ve never cheated, never physically or verbally abused any girlfriends, always followed the chivalry handbooks, etc — I’ve always assumed that I’m good at being a partner. But, these last few months have made me realize that I have some real deficiencies in the relationship department — personality quirks that have subtly sabotaged each relationship I’ve been in.
I wouldn’t quite call myself a trojan horse — the sabotage isn’t intentional (at least it’s not consciously intentional) — but I’m just not very good at this relationship thing right now, and I intend to spend the rest of 2012 trying to figure out why.
That’s it for me today. Fellas — single or coupled up — how do you feel about the concept of singledom? Is it all the beer commercials make it out to be, or do you agree that it may be slightly overrated? Also, ladies, are the “single man problems” expressed today at all similar to any “single woman problems?”
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Being single is enjoyable to. i don’t drive and my work requires some traveling, like to Tacoma or huskie stadium, but mostly in Seattle, plus my schedule is wild and erratic, so it would be difficult to commit to someone. I have one childhood friend left, he is my best friend, and my other close friends, plus my sister who I have enough trouble to spend time with, all important to me and don’t want to ruin those friendships or relationships ,and add college, My relatives back east I want to see, my parents i live with and want to… Read more »
You hate wearing condoms… Good for you and those who dare say it outloud. I think it sucks you say you hate them for the simple and (I guess) good reason (ethical maybe) that you are one of those who believe that AIDS and STDs do not exist. Wearing condoms is a necessity until you run tests so that you and your partner are clear and most importantly (since we are talking about relationships) trust each other.
i thought your points were valid, even for us ladies. i didn’t see you as pushing any point over the top.
using condoms after a good LTR sucks!
I just want to point out (once again) that there is apparently a strong editorial bias here at GMP about promoting a lifestyle based on marriage and denigrating the many and various alternatives. I see this a sort of secularized Bible thumping – not using the Judeo-Christian scriptures for it’s particular lists of “Thou shalt” and “Thou shalt not” – but a more secularized, psychologized list of what constitutes emotional maturity – ie what it means to be a “good man”. Well, I’m calling bullshit on all that. The one thing no man (and no woman) needs, is for some… Read more »
so wait a private organization should give up their right to post opinion articles in line with their own opinion in favor of being social or political moderates? and as far as having an open forum goes that’s what the rest of internet is for.
This article appears to be old and recycled, but I’m seeing it for the first time. The negative approach, complaining and clear lack of self-actualization happening here is a much bigger issue than the author being single. I would suggest that a better viewpoint might help attract a partner for you much faster than sharing your frustrations about condoms with the world. No one likes them. No one likes going to the dentist either. It’s part of staying healthy and so is having a good mental outlook. You state yourself that you aren’t ready for relationships. Then maybe you should… Read more »
Jeff
You are right. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
“””” You state yourself that you aren’t ready for relationships. Then maybe you should work on yourself until you are and don’t whine about how you sabotaged things in the past. Instead figure out how you can avoid doing it again in the future. There is a much deeper aspect to your story than what you are projecting. I’d challenge you to dig into your issues with women and commitment before you explore dating seriously again.””””
I agree with everything you said here, Jeff : “Some great things about being single: 1) Time to grow and develop as an individual. 2) The excitement of meeting someone new at any moment and being available 3) Independence and flexibility in your lifestyle.”
I have found that on my own and its rather enjoyable. Especially as an introvert. 🙂
Mike Conley the Triple Jumper? Love the reference.
well after seeing so many very fortunate men and women out there that have met one another and have a family, that certainly hurts me a lot since i would had certainly wanted that too. and it is really very hard for us men that are still looking to meet a good woman to settle down with now.
Just so you know, INTJs are not bad at relationships. We, like many others, have kinks to iron, but we are not inherently bad.
With good vibes,
A fellow INTJ unicorn.
I think we INTJs are amazing at relationships. Always ready to learn, to understand, to listen, and do good work. Nevertheless, here I am, single again after 3 long term busted relationships. Oy.
I stopped after reading the title for point 2.
When I was last single for an extended period, I was never in the position to have to need a condom.
So….yeah. You “poor thing” -_-
Wow, keeping yourself STD free and your potential partners baby free is really THAT HORRIBLE to you?
…..just wow
lets face it seriously, being single and alone certainly sucks today. it is wonderful to meet a real good woman for a change and share a life together, especially for us straight men that hate being alone and really wanted to have a family. and being married at one time myself before my wife of 15 years cheated on me, makes it worse for me now. life sucks as it is when you have to work and then come home to an empty house with no one there to talk too, and that is a very good reason why i… Read more »
well as a straight man that is seriously looking to meet a good woman this time after my wife of 15 years cheated on me, i certainly hate very much being single and alone again. it is very depressing when you have no one to talk too, especially coming home to an empty apartment. it is very good to share a life with the right woman, instead of the wrong one. companionship is very important nowadays, and if you are very fortunate to have that, that certainly makes life much easier to enjoy.
I honestly think it’s a time thing. Like, when I was in high school and the beginnings of college, everyone was dating except for me, it seemed. So I was upset about it and moaned and complained. Then I seriously mellowed out, probably around junior year or so. Spend enough time by yourself and you get used to it. And now I’m just starting dating because I’m curious, not so much because I’m lonely and think I need a relationship to complete myself. I’m already feeling stressed and overwhelmed, however, so I’m thinking I’ll quickly go back to not-dating, because… Read more »
I appreciate the condom one. Those things are the worst. I think that 3, 4 and 5 are almost all the same thing. I think some of the dating games, both that we initiate and that are engaged against us, make us think “unpositive” things about ourselves. Why won’t this woman admit she likes me? Wait, does she really not like me? What the fuck is so great about her? Why do I care? Oh, she’s texted me just now. Should I text her back right away? It’s a little on the aggravating side. The quick things get old too.… Read more »
Yeah , singledom is overrated because every each and one of the people who’s single is wondering if he/she could make a relationship out of a situation, Some people do say that they want to stay single but it’s just a lie. So, yeah, singledom is overrated whereas independency is not. It’s a bit hard to forget about everyday life’s hardships without having a shoulder to rest on. And, by the way , the image on top of the page clearly illustrates how much singledom could be cumbersome to tolerate especially when you’re in a situation which you’re surrounded by… Read more »
I have nothing against marriage in itself or even the idea of it per say, I have something against being divorced though!!!, I loath the idea of going through that although I never did & since being in any kind of relationship even relatively short one (common law) according to the local laws where any of us live can be treat as if being married, keep in mind the statistically the numbers of divorces is as high as 50 percentage wise & that’s the least, some more accurate statistics puts as high as 79 percent over 25 years? ??? No… Read more »
I have been single for years, and loathed every second of it. There’s no changing some things though.
I get what the author is saying.. If you’ve been single for a while, you really start to appreciate companionship. Sure, being comfortable and content with your self as a single person is vital, but most of us (with exceptions) are wired for companionship, and it’s a need that’s not easily ignored. As easy as it is to put on a happy face with a ‘I’m alone, but I’m not lonely’ self- talk, there are points when it wears on you. It’s ok to come clean about it, as the author has done here.
I kind of understand what you mean by it being lonely. I’m an introvert myself, but find that at times I need companionship also. I think what you miss is that you assume that you can only gain emotional intimacy from women and only female partners at that. Many men haven’t learned to share with other men and that places a reliance on women. I have a couple male friends (30+ years), who are more like brothers, I can talk to. I talk to neighbors, coworkers, family, etc. Although I haven’t established a life-long friendship with women, they tend to… Read more »
Meh, I feel the same way, and I’m a woman. Women aren’t all extroverts, you know. I just started dating and already I’m sick of spending time with all these people. Leave me alone, there’s internets that need to be surfed! D8< That's why I'm very explicit in my profile when I say "introverts only". Extroverts, I find, are insulted when you don't want to spend time with them, even if you explain to them how introversion works. it's best to just be with someone who understands.
I would like to say that romantic relationship are more highly overrated the single men.
?
That was my reaction too, Rapses. It’s not singleness that’s overrated… it’s relationships. #1: Has never applied to me, and I suspect it never will. The only familiarity I have with the term “lonely” comes from reading it in the dictionary. #2, 3, 4: Only an issue if you’re out chasing relationships in the first place. (Also, what’s up with pre-dissing multiple uncommitted encounters even though you’re not actually having any?) #5: Self-awareness is a good thing, not a bad one. I’m telling you, single guys–MGTOW is freedom. And singleness is by far the best (and smartest) state for American… Read more »
Singleness has always been the smartest state for women all over the world. They just could not be single was they were properties, being sold and bought, and also because they used to depend on a man to have a home, food, etc. But even today, that women can have their own things, they are not being as ridiculous as the “oh so poor and abused” straight dudes who even built a “community” to their singleness. That is just pathetic lol. Women are not out there to abuse men. Not more than men are out there to abuse women, actually… Read more »
I’m finding it hard to agree with you, but you are etitled to your opinion of course. Thank you for sharing.
I have two issues with this piece. Firstly, I (and most people I know) continue wearing a condom even in long term relationships. I do not want a baby, best way to make sure that happens whilst still having sex is to have protected sex. Secondly, (and I am a woman so maybe it is different for women) but I was single for 7years before my last relationship and I was single 18months before my current relationship and I enjoyed *being single* as much as I enjoy *being in a relationship*. Your article (especially the end where you admit your… Read more »
@kathryn I agree with you on the condom use. I was married for over 12 years and have been single for almost two years. I always use a condom. I have friends with benefits. I can assure you I am not the only guy enjoying the benefits. If I were in a long term monogamous relationship I probably would eschew condoms. But, this would have to consensual and after extensive testing for STDs, HPV….Sorry but there is just a lot nasty sexual crap out here. Obviously, if she needs to protect herself from pregnancy, then condoms are necessary. Bottom line:… Read more »
I’ve never really liked condoms, I think they are a bit gross and feel unnatural. One benefit if a long term monogamous relationship is not having to worry about condoms anymore! Pregnancy is not a concern because I am infertile due to a medical issue. I guess I’m “lucky” 🙂
@ Kathryn
“I have two issues with this piece. Firstly, I (and most people I know) continue wearing a condom even in long term relationships. I do not want a baby, best way to make sure that happens whilst still having sex is to have protected sex.”
I’ve always believed in using multiple forms of contraception when possible. You never know when one will fail. That doesn’t mean double bag it, but I don’t trust the pill to be 100% effective.
Apart from an eight-month online relationship in 2007-2008, I’ve been single for almost all my adult life and I thoroughly enjoy it. I also enjoyed my relationship (we’re still friends) and I would consider another, but I’m not actively seeking one. If another happens, it happens – but if not, it won’t be the end of the world. I thoroughly enjoy being single because I’m reclusive and solitary; I prefer individual hobbies like reading and surfing online; and my time is all my own. Sometimes, it could be nice to have someone to kiss and cuddle on the couch while… Read more »
I simply aim to be equally happy no matter my relationship status. I used to hate myself for being single when all my friends where coupling up left, right and center. Then I woke up one day, and tried to work out why I was being so miserable about it: I have a damn good job, a roof over my head, and the freedom to do as I please and answer to nobody. I’ve seen friends go from one relationship to another, rubbing in that they are never single, while repeating the same cycle of joy-then-heartbreak forever and ever. I’ll… Read more »
3 ways that being single is positive and constructive.
1. It’s takes less time.
2. It requires less energy.
3. It’s significantly less expensive.