6 Communication Errors That Kill Intimacy and Destroy Relationships

#1 The Four Horsemen

If you are familiar with my writing, you know that I frequently refer to Gottman’s incredible work on relationships. That is because it is among the best and most reliable research and work on relationships.

Gottman identified 4 behaviors that destroy relationships. They indicate that the relationship is on its way to a divorce.

By the way, Gottman’s work gained a huge part of its credibility from being able to predict divorce with an accuracy of 93%.

Those 4 behaviors were named the Four Horsemen.

If they are the common pattern in a relationship, the relationship is doomed to fail.

They are, most of the time, indications that something is wrong on a deeper level. Other times, they are just huge communications errors that need to be rectified.

In my opinion, those 4 behaviors are so simple and common that many people do not consider them that serious.

Let us discuss them

Criticism
This is not constructive criticism. This is an attempt to make your partner look and feel less competent. Imagine what it feels like to be around someone who says nothing but criticism to you.

Defensiveness
Getting defensive kills communication.

You are telling the other person how wrong they are and you are just interested in protecting yourself.

It is one of the listening barriers.

And if you listening only to defend yourself, you are not listening. You do not understand what your partner is trying to communicate.

That is why it is never a good idea to get defensive even if your partner is criticizing you. And this is especially true for men.

Contempt
This is the worst one.

Many relationships can survive, to some extent, with the presence of the other horsemen.

But this one is a ruthless killer.

It indicates disgust and disrespect. It attacks who a person is, not what they do like with criticism. It is a dangerous sign that should not be ignored.

Stonewalling
Men are more guilty of this. And when a woman does this, it is usually a bad sign for her man.

It is when you literally withdraw and/or refuse to communicate.

During an argument, for example, one partner stops responding and communicating or says they are leaving.

Usually, the reason for doing this is being emotionally charged to the point of feeling unsafe. It is a good idea to tell your partner that you need to calm down/soothe and promise them you will come back.

And come back as you promised.

#2 “You are wrong. I remember better”

Our memories are not that reliable. Therefore, relying on our memories during fights is not a good idea.

This may sound like a gaslighting attempt from my side, but hear me out.

I learned this idea from Stan Takin in his book We Do. He explained what he called the Troublesome Triad: Memory, Perception, and Communication.

According to research, memory is unreliable in so many ways.

But one of the main arguments laid out by Stan was that memory changes according to our current state of mind*.

Think of how bad you remember things when you are sleep deprived or emotionally charged.

Plus, memory does not work like pressing record on a camera, and then, when we remember, we press play.

It is more complicated than that mainly because of the emotional factor.

When we go through an emotionally overwhelming experience, our ability to remember things as they happened will dramatically decrease and be altered by our state.

So, stop arguing over who did what, said what, when, or how. Relying on your memory will cause a lot of communication errors that you are better off without.

(*Yes, your memory also affects your emotional state. The more intense the emotion, the stronger the impact. But, once you deal with the emotional baggage, the memory itself will transform. When you heal a past wound, you will feel differently when remembering the painful experience itself.)

#3 Fighting over text

Here are 3 rules:

Avoid having any arguments over text.
Do not even discuss important things over text.
Texting is a shitty way of communication.

You only read words and do not see each other’s facial expressions or body language.

You do not hear their voice. Voice notes help, but they have their limitations.

The most pitfall aspect is that your interpretation of the text message depends largely on your current emotional state (and your insecurities to some extent).

Your partner is not around you to notice that and soothe you during the fight. They will also type whatever they type based on their own emotional state (and insecurities) without having you soothe them.

(Note: soothing each other is an important part of how to have a healthy conflict. It is more important than the argument or the conflict itself.)

Miscommunication happens all the time through text, especially if it is an emotionally-heated discussion.

Important issues require that you understand your partner. Also, you both need to soothe each other and ensure you are communicating well. And that is impossible over text.

Eye contact is not there.

Physical touch and body language are not there.

The micro gestures that each person makes, which say a lot, are not there. The power of your presence in front of someone else and your energy levels are not there.

Do you really want to discuss an important topic or argue without all these things? I don’t think so.

#4 Prolonged fights

Arguments that last long are not productive.

They raise your anxiety and stress levels, and keep you emotionally charged.

And I get why you keep arguing for too long.

Maybe you want to prove your point, or you do not feel understood.

Maybe you want to resolve the issue and reach a solution.

But that is not as helpful as you think it is.

Long arguments make you and your partner less likely to understand each other. They have a toll on you emotionally and spiral you down a dark road of negativity and arousal.

They will turn to an aggregated discussion where you both try to win or reach a solution. Or worse, a wounding conversation where you try to open old wounds.

That will put you and your partner in an alerted physical and emotional state for too long. It will drain you. It will make you less likely to handle the argument effectively. you will fight dirty,

So, next time you find yourself arguing for an hour about something and both of you are getting nastier, stop it.

You have exceeded your mental capacity to handle a fight.

And remember, it is not about the argument itself. It is about how you both handle it.

Many couples will have an argument where they do not reach any resolution at all.

But the way they handle the argument makes them closer to each other. Counterintuitively, fighting brings them closer.

They are interested in understanding, soothing (very important), and respecting each other.

Know when to stop arguing and soother your partner (a hug is a good idea, by the way). Your partner is not the enemy, and you are not fighting against each other. Handle arguments like this, and they will do wonders for your relationship.

#5 Harsh starts

How you start arguing predicts how the argument will go and where it will lead you.

Start an argument by criticizing your partner or shouting at them, and see how it goes.

You have already put them in an emotional state where they are attacked and not understood.

From that point, the argument is likely to continue being as negative as it has started.

Avoid starting an argument harshly or aggressively. Again, your partner is not the enemy.

Start your arguments in a softer, calmer way. Do not accuse, criticize, or shout even if you feel justified in doing so.

You will miss the entire point if you act on your impulses during fights.

Arguments (usually) end the way they start. Start softly and approach the conflict from the belief that your partner is not the enemy.

As a pro tip, instead of criticism and accusations, state how you feel and what you want.

For example, hihglight how a certain behavior makes you feel, and state positively what you need.

“I feel attacked when you try to give me advice while yelling at me. I would appreciate it if you could talk to me in a calmer way.”

Of course, this is an oversimplifed example, but you get the idea. That is better than calling your partner names.

#6 Trying to win arguments

We have already talked about arguing for too long.

So, this is about one of the reasons arguments go for too long and end up badly.

Stop trying to win arguments with your partner!

Even if you are right, sometimes it is not the smartest thing to do.

You do not have to prove that you remember things right or better than her. You do not need to prove her wrong.

And you do not need to convince him that he is wrong for ordering pineapple pizza.

Let some stuff slide. You can win the argument, but what you will do and say to win it might make you lose tiny pieces of your partner and relationship. It is just not worth it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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