6 Honest Truths About Having a Very Jealous Partner

We met at a house party when we were 18. He was kinda quiet and shy with big doe eyes that begged you to love him.

I was a party girl, living for the weekends, convinced that my friends and I would feel carefree and invincible forever.

We soon became friends. But he always wanted more. I had a long-term boyfriend and I didn’t see him that way.

After a bust-up, we didn’t speak for 6 years until he drove past me one night as I was walking home alone. He offered to give me a lift. Those 6 years apart had changed something between us. We were inseparable from that night onward.

That was 18 tumultuous months ago.

He’s always loved me. But when love begins to intertwine with possession, jealousy and alcohol, things can get very bleak very quickly.

During our time together there have been countless episodes. It began with looking through my phone and questioning why I ‘look so nice just to see a friend.’ It escalated to locking me in his house and bursting into restaurants because he thought I was ‘with a bunch of men.’

I had to leave him. I just knew it. Promising to change wasn’t enough anymore. Words mean nothing without action. Finally, I’ve learned some important lessons about extreme jealousy in relationships.

…

Controlling behaviour isn’t always telling you what you can and can’t do.

When you think of a controlling spouse, you likely think of someone who tells you what to wear and who you can and can’t hang out with.

Because he didn’t do those things he never saw himself as controlling.

But if your partner gets angry and causes an argument every time you go out with friends or do something other than spend time with them, they’re indirectly controlling you.

After a while, some people give up.

They think, “If it’s going to be this much trouble going out then I’ll just stay in to keep the peace.”

I never fell into that trap because I promised myself I would never let a partner dictate how I run my life. But that seemed to infuriate him more. I thought if I proved I wouldn’t give in then he would relent.

He didn’t. He just got worse.

…

Their jealousy isn’t necessarily about you.

I’m 32 years old. I’m over my party phase. I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend when I was younger, but who doesn’t make mistakes when they’re young?

I have one hetero guy friend. All the others are girls or gays.

When I realised how jealous my boyfriend was, I became better at communicating. I texted him regularly so he knew I was okay. I tried to be on time to meet him, despite being a chronically late person. I gave him the reassurance I thought he needed.

None of that mattered. The night he came to the restaurant to shout at me in front of my friends I had been out for 2 hours. I had texted him 20 minutes before he turned up.

Better communication, more reassurance, trying to build trust, it didn’t make any difference.

That’s when I finally realised the problem wasn’t me. I couldn’t do anything to change how he was acting bar never leaving his sight. Who even knows if that would have worked?

…

Bad behaviour often escalates if left unchecked.

After the time he wouldn’t let me leave his house I told him he needed to get professional help if we were to stay together. He promised he would. He promised he would stop drinking.

He stopped drinking for a week or two. He never got help.

I hoped, naively, that we could work it out together, that nearly losing me was enough of a shock to motivate him to change.

They always say that you shouldn’t try to change a person, and it’s true. They need to want to change themselves.

Despite many conversations and second, third, fourth and one-millionth chances, his behaviour didn’t improve, it only escalated. Turning a blind eye made things worse.

Ignoring red flags is futile.

…

It’s hard to change deeply ingrained behaviour without professional help.

Naively hoping that people can change their lifelong bad habits by themselves is … well, naive.

He was jealous when we were just friends. If I cancelled on him he would get angry. His ex tried to warn me when we got together, but I didn’t listen. This has been a lifelong issue for him.

Many of us need help and support in order to change. There’s no shame in asking, but many people don’t. They’d rather live in ignorance, blissful or not.

Now I’ve left him he promises that he’ll get the help he needs. He’s used it as a bargaining chip for me to stay. I hope he gets the help, but I can’t live on promises anymore.

…

Jealousy is a complex emotion with many possible roots.

Where does jealousy come from?

Some relationship counsellors say it comes from feelings of inferiority. Some say it comes from obsessive overthinking and anxiety. My boyfriend said it came from a place of love and fear.

Most of us feel jealousy. It’s a messy yet natural human emotion. We feel some kind of right over the people we love, no matter how ludicrous that may be.

As we grow, we learn that our emotions aren’t always accurate. We learn how to rationalise things and exercise self-control.

Just imagine if we didn’t. Imagine a world filled with adult-sized children acting out on their every emotion, it would be utter chaos.

Jealousy has a habit of making people lose all sight of rationale. In my experience, it’s a volatile and dangerous thing in the hearts of those who haven’t learned how to control it.

Never underestimate what an excessively jealous person will do.

…

Jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person.

My ex is a good, supportive, kind man. And I love him. But love doesn’t make a healthy relationship.

Trust, respect, and taking responsibility for your own life and actions are non-negotiables.

If you have a pathologically jealous partner, you need to address the situation. They may need help, and if they refuse to seek it you may need to leave.

Doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. It doesn’t always feel like the right thing. But sometimes you just know.

I know breaking up was best for both of us. For me to have some peace of mind, and for him, in the hopes that he will finally seek help.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***