.
Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
How to Avoid Time-Wasters
In this video, I want to talk about six ways to know if someone is serious about you. It is so easy to waste our time in dating, often with people who are not serious. Time-wasters not only waste our time, but they can also lead to unnecessary suffering and heartbreak when we misinterpret someone’s intentions.
I’m excited to go through this today because I think it will make distinctions that will really change the way you date going forward or provide clarity about someone you’re dating right now.
Before I get into the six ways, if you haven’t already taken me up on our Black Friday offer for Matthew AI, I want to encourage you to do that. This is a way to get unlimited coaching from me for just $19 for the entire month. We are offering 50% off your first month of unlimited 24/7 use of Matthew AI. You can text or call Matthew AI, and you will get my answer in real time to your specific questions.
Visit askmh.com to try it for free, and if you like it, take us up on that 50% off offer, which allows you to get unlimited coaching from Matthew AI for just $19—available only during our Black Friday sale.
Attention vs. Intention
Before diving into the six ways, it’s crucial to distinguish between attention and intention. Attention is not intention. Intentions signify where someone wants things to go. What we want is to find someone who is intentional about us, their love life, and wanting a relationship.
What we come across far more often than intentionality is mere attention. Attention can be dangerous because when we feel someone’s attention, we often get excited, akin to a starter pistol going off at the beginning of a race. We begin projecting future possibilities and expectations about what this could be and how much we like this person. Consequently, a lot of us mistakenly invest based on someone’s attention, leading us to make plans based on that excitement.
I hear this all the time: someone says, “Someone texts me every couple of weeks—they don’t really ask me out, but I like them, and I don’t want to see someone else.” At this point, they’ve begun to make plans for how important this person is, even without evidence that the person shares those feelings.
Plans should be made with someone, not for someone based on occasional attention. Remember, attention is a drug. We must take our focus off that drug and reorient it toward people’s intentions. My intention for this video is that anytime you feel distracted by someone’s attention, you can return to this message for clarity on your feelings.
1. Get Curious
The first way we can tell if someone is serious is by getting curious about them. Curiosity is something we often fail to show enough of when we first start dating someone. We’re so busy being impressed by them or noting how attractive they are that we neglect to ask the essential questions that reveal their intentions—both for themselves and potentially for us.
We want to adopt a relaxed curiosity, one that is fun and genuine. The reason we often don’t do this is fear. We worry about being taken advantage of or wasting our time, leading us to overcorrect and try to get all the information we can on a first date. If someone gives us an answer we don’t like, we become irritable because we feel let down.
Instead, let’s shift our mindset to recognize that someone can’t take advantage of us while we’re on a date. We don’t need to operate in a transactional way, assessing them for right and wrong answers. Ask them what they enjoy most about their life or what they would change if they had a magic wand.
When we approach questions from a neutral standpoint, we create an environment where the other person feels comfortable sharing. This helps us discern who they are and what they want. Getting curious about someone else also means taking our focus off superficial aspects that initially impress us.
2. Look for That Same Curiosity in Them
The second way to determine if someone is serious is to look for that same curiosity in them. If you’re seeking a long-term partner, you should certainly be curious about them, but we should also notice if they are similarly curious.
Are they asking questions that show they want to understand our values or background? Do they want to know if family is important to us? If someone is trying to impress you rather than genuinely connect, this may signal a lack of intentionality. Even worse, some people only care about impressing you because they derive pleasure from the attention.
To find someone serious about love, look for those who are interested—not just trying to be interesting. If someone is serious about what they’re looking for in love, they will show genuine interest in learning about you.
3. They Follow Up After a Date
The third indicator that someone is serious is if they follow up after a date. Having a great time is one thing, but following up signifies investment in furthering the connection. When someone follows up, they signal that they want to maintain the momentum and build on what you shared together rather than let it fade into a memory.
If one person doesn’t follow up, it may indicate a lack of seriousness. If they were shy but genuinely interested, then they should respond once they’re given the green light to continue the conversation. If they don’t, it’s a sign that they may not be serious about you.
This litmus test helps us avoid confusing indicators of interest, like engaging with social media posts or occasional DMs. Those behaviors don’t necessarily mean someone wants to progress the relationship.
4. They Are Scheduling Times to See You
The fourth way to tell if someone is serious is whether they are scheduling times to see you. Scheduling involves concrete plans: “What night are we meeting?” This requires a commitment to prioritize time with you over other potential options.
Tim Ferriss famously noted that unless something is in the diary, it isn’t real. Putting plans in writing demonstrates seriousness. If someone is genuinely interested in you, they will make sure that dates are scheduled—not just talked about. Notice who makes the effort to commit their time to you.
5. They Involve You
The fifth way to gauge someone’s seriousness is if they involve you in decisions that affect your relationship. While this isn’t always applicable during the early stages of dating, as the relationship evolves, someone who is serious will seek your input on decisions that may impact how you spend time together.
For instance, if someone anticipates being busy due to work commitments or is considering a job that could relocate them, they should communicate these things to you. Genuine involvement reflects intentionality and shows that they value your feelings and want to maintain a healthy dynamic.
Ask yourself: Are they considering my feelings in their decision-making? Am I in the loop or left in the dark? While it’s natural for people to occasionally be self-centered, being thoughtful about involving you shouldn’t be an exception.
6. They Want You to Feel Comfortable
The sixth way to recognize someone’s seriousness is their effort to ensure you feel comfortable in various situations. For instance, if they have a friend who might trigger your insecurities, they might proactively introduce you or reassure you about that friendship.
Someone who is serious will avoid ambiguous scenarios that could lead to misunderstandings. They care about maintaining clarity in the relationship because they want you to feel secure.
Ultimately, the only true way to know if someone is serious is to observe these six indicators over time. Their true character will be revealed gradually. Meanwhile, you can confidently decline those who demonstrate the wrong behaviors in the short term.
I hope this video has provided clarity on what to look for when investing your time and energy in someone. If you find that you have more questions about your situation, I encourage you to visit Matthew AI at askmh.com. Ask your burning questions, and remember that we have a current Black Friday offer where you can access unlimited coaching for just $19 for an entire month.
Thank you for watching this video, and I look forward to seeing you next time!
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
***
Does dating ever feel challenging, awkward or frustrating?
Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching.
Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!
***
On Substack? Follow us there for more great dating and relationships content.
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: unsplash
