You feel those butterflies. You want this person so much. You have ideas of how being with them should feel.
And this is where we miss it.
We focus on how we imagine the relationship will make us feel. Yet we should be focusing on how it makes us feel.
One is an illusion. The other is reality.
If your relationship makes you feel these seven things, it’s time to roll up your sleeve and do some inner work.
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It shouldn’t make you feel claustrophobic.
I’ve got a friend whose husband has no life.
Literally, besides work, he does nothing. Sally, on the other hand, is a social butterfly who can’t sit still.
She has all these weekend plans, but her husband latches on to her plans each weekend.
Sally feels cluster phobic most of the time. She wants some space, some air, and some freedom.
A healthy relationship should give you the freedom to explore other things outside the relationship. You shouldn’t have to feel responsible for someone else’s joy.
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It shouldn’t make you feel like a maid.
One of my friends is a stay-at-home mom who talks about how she feels like a maid. Because her husband brings home the bacon, he believes he’s not supposed to do anything else when he gets home.
A healthy relationship is all about making each other lives easier, not enforcing a slave-master relationship.
Working ten hours a day is hard, but so is caring for kids and managing the home. People get paid to do things like this, so that makes it a job like any other.
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It shouldn’t make you walk on eggshells.
I recall being in such a situation in my first marriage. I was terrified of expressing myself because I feared an explosion, so I bottled up everything inside.
It took a long while to learn that if I couldn’t feel free around my partner, it meant I wasn’t safe either and that my mental well-being was in danger.
A healthy relationship should be a safe haven where you find shelter and comfort from the storms in the world.
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Photo by Pouria Teymouri on Unsplash
It shouldn’t make you lose yourself.
Many of us have settled for this as the norm while it shouldn’t be. Yes, marriage comes with its own responsibilities. Yes, babies require a lot of work.
But if you lose yourself, it signals you’re not getting all the support you need. That trouble is brewing somewhere in the background.
You need to ask for help or restructure some rules around your home. You have to find a way to create the happiness and fulfillment you want.
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It shouldn’t make gaslight yourself.
“Is this wrong, or am I overreacting?”
You’re gaslighting yourself when you start to question your experience by asking such questions.
It’s also a clear sign that you’re in a manipulative relationship.
The danger in continuously gaslighting yourself is that eventually, you become desensitized to the sense of right and wrong.
In a healthy relationship, if something feels off, you should have enough confidence to accept that it’s wrong and to demand better.
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It shouldn’t make you feel short-changed.
It’s so common for one (usually the long-suffering one) giver to keep the wheels of the relationship spinning while the other sits back and takes.
Do you want this type of relationship?
I don’t think so. Your needs should be met.
Be with someone who gives you the quality time, support, and help you need.
I’m not sure there’s a better way to show you love than this.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Katharina Gloth on Unsplash
