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Last week, I wrote, “7 Ways My Husband Shows Me He Loves Me.” In truth, Philippe requested a list from me and was delighted I wrote and published it. One reader asked about the other side of the coin. After all, love needs to flow in both directions. It simply won’t work to have one partner constantly showing love while the other is simply soaking it up and not giving back. In my relationship, learning how to show love has been a mixture of discovery, direct questions, and occasional missteps. Along the way, Philippe and I have found two incredibly valuable tools: The 5 Love Languages and Attachment theory.
The 5 Love Languages
The five love languages are:
- words of affirmation and connection—for example, “I love you.”
- quality time—for example, giving someone your undivided attention
- acts of service—for example, lending a helping hand
- physical touch—for example, holding hands, massage, etc.
- giving gifts—for example, flowers, trinkets, etc.
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These are ways in which people like to give and receive love. In my experience, figuring both of those out have helped me understand why I have more moments of feeling loved and why I have moments of feeling a deficit. It has also shown me times when I think I’m being loving, but Philippe isn’t feeling it. In short, we have different love languages. He resonates with words of affirmation and acts of service; I orient towards quality time and physical touch. Over time, I’ve found that making him a cup of coffee (an act of service) can be more powerful than hugging and kissing him (physical touch). We’ve learned how to “translate” actions, so if Philippe fixes my computer, I know it’s an act of service and how he shows me he loves me. On top of that, he knows I enjoy physical touch, so he makes more of an effort to be spontaneously affectionate to me.
Attachment Styles
Attachment theory relates to the type of bond that connects one person to another. It is formed when you are very young to your primary caregivers.
As described in Your Attachment Style Influences the Success of Your Relationship by the Gottman Institute:
If your caregiver was unresponsive, you form an insecure attachment pattern. An insecure attachment style manifests in three main ways.
Anxious Attachment – develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.
Avoidant Attachment – develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent
Disorganized Attachment – develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real “secure base.”
For some, attachment styles can also be considered states, which change depending on the relationship you’re in. You might generally be anxious in one relationship, but then you partner with someone who is really anxious, and you become the avoidant or better yet, the secure partner.
Showing Love Is not Always About Equality
In this article, Amy Sun defines equity vs. equality:
Equity and equality are two strategies we can use in an effort to produce fairness. Equity is giving everyone what they need to be successful. Equality is treating everyone the same. Equality aims to promote fairness, but it can only work if everyone starts from the same place and needs the same help.
How does this relate to my relationship? By using the five love languages, attachment theory, and our experiences together, Philippe and I are able to fine-tune how we show our love for each other. Some aspects look virtually the same, but others look quite different. Philippe borders on an avoidant attachment style and needs more space; I’m a tish more anxious and need more connection. Keeping these the five love languages and attachment theory in mind is helpful though there’s certainly no perfect algorithm to show our love for each other. We keep on trying, making mistakes, stretching, growing, and most importantly, making the word “love” a verb.
How the 5 Love Languages and Attachment Theory Play Out in How I Show My Love for my Husband
In the following paragraphs, I’ll show how I’ve sculpted the theories to work in my relationship and love my husband well.
1. Meow!
I will often reach out to Philippe during the day with one of two words: meow or surge! These are words of affirmation/connection. We have a whole language derived from cats, so when I meow at him, he might respond in kind. Similarly, the word “surge” is our code for, “I’m having a surge of love for you!” These are usually spontaneous warm fuzzies I send in his direction.
2. Who’s Got Milk?
Some say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. While I don’t subscribe to this axiom, I do know a large glass of milk is probably Philippe’s favorite food. In addition, it’s an act of service. It takes me literally one minute to grab a glass, pour a glass of milk, and give it to him. In turn, he appreciates this gesture and feels my love.
3. Space Is the 6th Love Language.
When triggered during fights, Philippe wants to run; I want to move closer. One way I can love him better is by giving him space and finding other ways to source myself. In part, it means I’m giving him quality time for himself (my love language), but beyond that, I’m also connecting to how he is a slightly avoidant attacher. When he gets space, he’s able to figure out how he’s feeling. If I continually move in closer, he has a hard time feeling where’s he’s at. When he feels the spaciousness, he is then able to move closer to me and more connected and intimate—ultimately, more loved.
4. Processing Information and Organizing Time.
Over time, I’ve realized how the two of us process information and organize time differently. I tend to multitask better than he does and am less likely to get overwhelmed. He tends to handle one task at a time and also works much better when he is able to organize tasks according to his own pacing. This means I do well to send him to do’s over email. He gets the request and then is able to figure out how to fit it into his day. This is my way of acknowledging our differences and loving him through that difference.
5. Supporting Him in Resourcing Himself.
This is an area where, again, we function very differently. Philippe tends to rejuvenate through more space; I don’t need that kind of downtime. Instead of criticizing him for it, I’ve learned that when he can go away for a weekend and come back, he is then more loving and more present to me and our son. Understanding, supporting, and even suggesting getaways or evenings out means I have a happier partner and one who feels loved.
6. Sensitivity to criticism.
I think knowing your partner’s sensitive spots is key in a relationship. In this case, I know Philippe is very sensitive to criticism. This doesn’t mean I don’t give feedback. To have a healthy partnership, feedback is important. It does mean I sometimes give feedback by saying, “I have something to tell you, and it’s about you. Are you open to hearing it?” This way, he can let me know if he’s in a space for hearing it. If he’s in a tough space or overwhelmed, I trust him to say no. If he’s in a decent space, he’ll say yes. Certainly, if someone’s partner always says no, that’s a problem, but that’s not the case between the two of us. I care for his tender spots, which means we have ongoing communication loops where both of us feel taken care of.
7. Morning Goodbyes.
For logistical reasons, I’m often the one who takes our son to school. Making the extra effort to kiss/hug Philippe goodbye in the morning makes a huge difference to him. It might not seem like a big deal, but when I’m herding our 7-year-old out the door, preparing our breakfast, setting up our days, deviating from the momentum of that path can take effort. (In the past, I would forget to go upstairs with our son and say goodbye simply because I was overwhelmed.) When it became clear how important it was to Philippe, I began to leave a note on the breakfast table to remind myself to do this simple task of connection. Philippe has said our sweet goodbye sets up his day and keeps us in his heart.
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All relationships are different. For us, finding the love languages and attachment theory has created more connection and intimacy than before. We know each other more deeply, and we’re able to speak to each other in ways that create harmony. For my own self, I love being creative and finding new ways of speaking to Philippe in his love languages. For now, it’s meow and milk (Philippe is sometimes part feline), but tomorrow it could be a short haiku or a solo trip to the redwoods.
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Photo credit: pixabay.com
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