2. What does “telling the truth” mean to you, and how important is it to your sense of what it means to be a “good” man?
Why: The issue for us as men, it seems to me, is to not compartmentalize our lives. The tendency is to put on different masks at work, at home, with the guys, with our wife and kids. Before long we forget who the hell we really are. And bad shit can happen in a hurry. At least it did to me. So finding some core truth about ourselves that we carry wherever we go seems important.
My Take: It’s not the mistake that will take you down; it’s the lying about it.
[polldaddy poll=5272310]
—Photo calsidyrose/Flickr
Next: Role Models
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Tom: “Every act of sexual violence is to be taken seriously. But this idea that somehow in heterosexual gender wars that discussion of rape of men by women should get equal time is just fricking insane.” I know this article was written a long time ago, but this is so hurtful. Really hurtful. I sincerely hope you’ve changed your tune on this because let me tell you something: Focusing equal time on men who have been raped or hurt by women is not frickin insane because there are tons of men out there who have already been seriously hurt by… Read more »
I hope this string develops again ….
My Take: Every act of sexual violence is to be taken seriously. But this idea that somehow in heterosexual gender wars that discussion of rape of men by women should get equal time is just fricking insane. The numbers are not equal. Rape is predominately an issue where men rape women. That does not mean all men are rapists or should be treated as such. It does mean that, as men, we need to step up to figure out why other men rape women. So….six months later it turns out that just isn’t true. The fricking insane turns up in… Read more »
11. How important an issue is the rape and sexual abuse of adult men by women? I know I’m a bit late but I just wanted to express how disappointed I am in how you tried to redirect that question into the usual “women have it worse” terriority that rape conversations are led to. Presuming that this question is verbatem of what was asked why even bother bringing up male against female rape when its not even in the original quesiton. You sound like you are more worried about making sure everyone knows women have it worse than making sure… Read more »
I think too many of these questions were loaded and not thought out very well. Some are just clearly divisive and poorly constructed. Male rape is a good example of confusing the issue enough to distort the position of others and render their position invalid, which is pretty much how rape works to begin with. I would tend to believe that the presentation of the question regarding male rape, represents the way a rapist would think.
Tom.
1.(parenting) my observations tell me woman “manage” children more than engaging them in an exchange.(fail) I would say that women spend more time chasing their kids when they should be leading them. 2.(lying) I never believed the truth to be that negotiable. I always believed the truth to reflect a value and respect for others. 3.(manhood) Sorry to disagree, but maleness is (personal) passed from generation to generation, manhood is in retrospect(historic) and masculinity (environmental) is gained from mentors and peers.The crock is that maleness has been treated as non-existent by females who are only interested in masculinity and how… Read more »
“Rape is predominately an issue where men rape women.”
Actually, no. Rape is predominately an issue where men rape other men. Last in US prisons were 300K reported cases of male-on-male sexual assault—that number dwarfs the number of male-female rapes.
They are in prison probably for rape crimes anyhow. When women ask for statistics of rape, we’re speaking of those acts that have taken place outside of prison. (Sorry but the ones in prison don’t count). In other countries, there’s capital punishment for most serious crimes and offenses – this reduces the need to keep on-going stats, babysitting and wasting tax dollars and resources on criminals. Now I get where men come up with these skewed rape statistics that women rape men as equally or more…they’re including prison stats of all things. I’ll have to keep this in mind next… Read more »
Wow, just WOW. You want stats that a biased to the point of view you have that more women are raped than men. IF that is the case why do you even want the stats. You have already decided how you are going to view them. RAPE IS RAPE, NO MEANS NO, Prison rape is rape.
Should we not count rape in a marriage , well , after all that is different than stranger rape. OR lets not include stranger rape because that is different rape by someone you know.
MichelleG. Really, you really want to go there.
“Now I get where men come up with these skewed rape statistics that women rape men as equally or more…they’re including prison stats of all things. I’ll have to keep this in mind next time men on here bring up these crazy ass misleading stats.”
Actually any study I’ve read examining rape in the general population has failed to unclude members of the prison population in it’s sample.
I have to say I am disappointed in the survey quite a bit. It was a good idea and I hope you do it again – but perhaps differently. The questions are good – not necessarily the top 12 I would have come up with but I did not publish the survey. However, I did not even finish it. I did not – and do not – like surveys that have such a poor allowance for nuance. Lichert scale questions are some of the best measures in my experience doing research of various kinds. There was also a double-question…..which skewed… Read more »
Any kind of sexual assault is a serious crime and should be treated as such. I’m curious, though, about the claims I’ve seen that women rape adult men nearly as often as men rape women (not talking about child abuse). Given that men as a rule are physically stronger than women as a rule, how is this even possible? There aren’t a lot of women who could overpower a guy in a dark parking lot, obviously. Also, “rape” of a woman usually means penetrative sex, what are we talking about exactly in connection with women raping men? Unwanted kissing or… Read more »
Do we really need to explain to people how women can rape men? Do we really need to explain how the male body responds to stimuli regardless of whether the man is sexually aroused? Do we really need to explain that women can and often do substitute their lack of physical strength with a weapon? Do we really need to explain that a female rapist can and does threaten her victim with claiming that he raped her? And why should women’s sexual violence against boys not count when we count men’s sexual violence against girls as sexual violence against women?… Read more »
You don’t need to explain how it happens,I’m interested in any actual statistics. Not all unwanted sexual touching is equivalent to rape, and I have argued that point with feminists many times.
Full disclosure: I am gay. I am also a feminist. I find no tension between the two identities. As a gay man and as a feminist, question number four is (and I am trying to be kind here) contrary to and problematic for anyone whose desire is to develop an important concept of 21st century masculinity. Question 4 is the most difficult for me to hear being asked as an “important” question. Not because men don’t have questions about sexuality. I think there should be a space to discuss what it means to be sexual and sex positive. It happens… Read more »
Izzy. Absent discussing the big deal about involuntary servitude, have you thought about supervising unwilling teenagers doing whatever public service you have in mind?
What do you intend to do with those who refuse?
Who gets to choose what counts as public service?
People who voluntarily choose to do some public service may continue to do public service. SERprise.
What about people dragooned into public service activities? Do you know for sure that the experience makes them more likely to continue?
RE: Question 6 (the draft) Your question implies that the draft is just for military purposes. Many other countries require a period of PUBLIC SERVICE (including but not limited to military svc.) for all young people. The United States would greatly benefit. Performing public service while young tends to lead to continued lifelong civic service. Many of the pressing social needs we have, could be improved by all the extra helping hands for such things as Habitat for Humanity, feeding programs, etc. Consider the impact new college grads could have on our troubled school system. A reinvigorated Peace Corps could… Read more »
Clarification…..
My comment on “affording a woman her self-respect and dignity” assumes that a man will usually do so BEFORE sex (perhaps in order to ensure sexual success), but not often AFTER sex… the cliched image of a man leaving the room and high-fiving his friends the next day is nauseating to many women. As such, we deny our want for sex because it’s better than being disrespected. You want more women to want sex?…R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!!! BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER!!!! 🙂
Just curious Dee, do you think that men see women doing the same thing, I know I’ve seen it and all to often. I think “self respect and dignity” is not something I need to afford anybody, they either have it or they don’t. I just don’t feel compelled to play protect the slut game or act as anyone’s dignity cop. The first woman I ever slept with advertised it to her girlfriends, where was the respect? A partner latter in life felt it was appropriate to admonish me for a sexual comment made by one of my acquaintances that… Read more »
RE: Question #3. What is the question? You ask two opposite questions: “Does that still exist in some different form or was it always a crock? ” Male role models have been somewhat overhyped. Not that there aren’t good role models, or that some boys don’t learn invaluable lessons from them. The problem for many of us (at least those of us 50 and over) is that were raised by poor role models. Our fathers, albeit well-meaning, were often clueless about raising kids. There was no Good Men Project to give our fathers guidance on healthy parenting, so the default… Read more »
I’m gonna say this once and only once……. The majority of us women like to FUCK!.. That’s right folks, we like to screw as much as men. The ISSUE at hand; however, is the DOUBLE STANDARD: A man who fucks is a stud. A woman who fucks is either a slut or some cold broad doing her “marital duty”. In other words….STOP ASSUMING THAT WE DON’T WANNA FUCK AND STOP PUNISHING US FOR WHEN WE DO WANNA FUCK!!!! Trust me gentlemen, you will all be a lot happier if you create a safe space where “the cat can feel secure… Read more »
An interesting survey, but kind of an unusual assortment. Some of the questions seem not very male-specific, like the education question. I wasn’t sure how to answer the role models question, because it was awkwardly worded. It read to me like “Is it A or B, Yes or No?” Huh? A great piece for starting all sorts of great conversations, though. I think it’s very telling that “Maybe” was the biggest response for several of the questions. On the women being as horny as men question, I hesitate to say to say yes for two reasons. One, I often doubt… Read more »
Having worked in the Defense industry, I can back-up Rich’s statement that not all (I would submit, not the majority) of the enlisted are there because of personal economics. I was ineligible to enlist, so I cannot speak first hand.
“Maintaining the upper hand” What! In a healthy marriage there is no need for dominance. To use this phrase in the context of a relationship is reprehensible. Are women just as horny as guys? Kinda of a blanket question. Put it this way: are all guys (or women) as horny as other guys (or women)? Now it becomes a question of individuals not arbitary groups.
The questions Mr. Matlack has posted are important items to consider, ones extremely pertinent to modern gender roles and normative expectations. I definitely agree that these are questions that men should be asking themselves. Yet, as a woman, I feel the need to respond to the question “Are women just as horny as guys but afraid to admit it?” It’s not as cut and dry as a three-answer option, and I’m sure most men and women would agree. I apologize for the length of this, but I’d argue that limitations of sexual relations, gender roles, and individual sexual behavior are… Read more »
glad i’m gay lol, when me and my partner having sex its all about pleasure and intimacy. Culture, politics, media image? fuck with that, all i care is you…. i want you to fuck me and i want to fuck you. SIMPLE.
Sexual abuse of adult men by women. Until You have been there it can not be explained. I used to believe the it was impossible for a woman to rape a guy. Sure it is not the same violent episode that you see on television. You are saying no and it is being ignored. If you can not physically get away and you don’t want it to happen and she continues it is rape. What do you tell your spouse? Your friends when she tells everyone that you were together? The police, ya right. You were sexually abused. It ruins… Read more »
Certainly I agree that women are not categorically better parents than men, which seems to be the issue you’re getting at — but I don’t think it’s necessarily an improvement to suggest instead that men are categorically better parents than women, even in some areas. Gender isn’t a particularly meaningful consideration when it comes to looking after a child, and I think a more important discussion involves identifying what *are* the meaningful considerations, and how we can better cultivate them in all people. (Your sense of “intuition,” for example, would be a great thing to pick apart and try to… Read more »
Yes, the issue of parents’ genders is irrelevant. I was raised by my mother, my dad died before I knew him and I was fine. The ‘everyone needs dads/mums’ idea is largely influenced by looking at ‘broken homes’. To say that a child needs parents of both genders is to say that there’s a part of learning to be human that only exists in one gender or another.
Tom, your view on the draft is pretty condescending to those of us who have volunteered to serve. Perhaps you would only serve if you were poor or compelled, but millions of us have volunteered for a vast array of reasons which (among many others) include patriotism, tradition, poverty, boredom, the desire for a rite of passage, a ticket to independence, and a way out. Give me another minute and I could probably give you half a dozen more. We’re all volunteers, and dismissing our service as the result of “economic need” is insulting. I’m not one to pretend we… Read more »
On the drafting of women being silly: I can see some validity to that argument, in terms of muscular strength for some aspects of military service. There are heavily-muscled young men in the infantry who can hardly carry their heavy packs today without suffering long-term back injury, so I can see that women on average might have less ability in that area. But, to say there is no advantage seems silly to me. Going house-to-house “winning hearts and minds” (trying to take that phrase at face value) maybe could use a female presence at times. Since much of counterinsurgency work… Read more »
How are those women going to get out to do the door-to-door business? With the infantry. So it may, very occasionally, be necessary or advantageous to have women along but it’s not so common that it would justify drafting women. Aside from these limited roles, there’s no advantage to having a woman along and frequently there’s a disadvantage. The physical aspect is one major issue, but there are many.
You know there are women on the ground already right? The advantage of having a “woman soldier” along is that *she-is-a-soldier*. She’s trained the same way her male counterparts are trained and if she couldn’t do the job required she wouldn’t be in the position.
Funny you say that, but the military just lowers the scores needed if the women can`t beat the tests. But I`m all for women in the infantry, it`s gonna be hilarious.
Many of these questions are obvious, but they are ultra-important to ask. It’s far too easy to get caught up in the busy, detached worlds in which we live, so to take some time to reflect on these questions is more important than ever. Our higher education system is top notch – but the gap between rich and poor continues to grow. Contrary to what many conservatives tout – this is not simply the result of some people working hard while others lounge on the couch and collect unemployment. Life isn’t that simple. One way to bridge this gap is… Read more »
Respectfully… I spent 2 years working with high school students on the West Side of Chicago, and I can say in all honesty that the viewpoint represented here is every bit as overly-simplistic as the much derided conservative viewpoint. The fact of the matter is that poverty persists because of choices individual people make. Unfortunately, these choices are often made for children by their parents. No amount of work on my part could ever make a father recognize that the right thing to do was stay out of jail for the good of his son. No amount of work on… Read more »
A couple of points: There is a lack of role models for boys and young men, and part of the reason for that is because so many men were raised raised without male role models themselves. It is difficult to help others if you have no idea what to do. The other problem is that people treat men like pedophiles, so any man showing interest in children can easily have that turned against him. I agree with Gore Vidal: there are no homosexual people, only homosexual acts. I also think we are too quick to label people as this, that,… Read more »
I would definitely like a link to the study you’re quoting saying male rape is 40% women on men considering that goes against the result of every male rape study I”ve seen conducted over the past several decades.