A Message of Encouragement for the Lost, Frightened, and Despairing

I’ve been where you are. I’ve been utterly lost, confused, and lonely. I’ve been terrified to the point of paralysis. I’ve been to the gates of hell and back.

It’s mainly the ‘and back’ part I want to tell you about. But don’t worry — I’m not going to tell you I ‘got religion’ or any such nonsense. I’m not going to preach, pontificate, or offer mindless ‘hopium.’ I’m merely going to share… my truth.

It’s a wild story of near-madness, despair, fear, and pain. But in the end, we all have our wild, improbable, often painful stories — don’t we? All of us.

But it’s also a story of exploration, recovery, and healing.

Going ‘over the edge’

Here’s what threw me ‘over the edge.’ I was traveling around India and Pakistan by myself, back in 1975, and was beset by loneliness and fear. I was 23. Outwardly, I was ‘enjoying’ my travels, yet inwardly I was deeply anxious and miserable.

One winter evening, I smoked some strong marijuana (something I rarely did) with a group of fellow travelers I’d met. It was SO strong that it propelled me into a weird ‘reality’ in which I felt utterly separate from everything — from life, other people, even my own body. I was terrified, but couldn’t (wouldn’t) say anything about my experience. I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

After a while, the ‘high’ ended and I came down — except, I didn’t, not really, and my peculiar state of separateness and total alienation didn’t go away. It persisted… and persisted… and I thought I was truly going mad. C-r-a-z-y.

I felt totally disconnected from everyone and everything, including myself. Unbelievably, I became even more miserable — and seemed ‘stuck’ in this awful state, with no way out.

To make a long story short: I returned to the U.S. in May ’75, still ‘stuck’ in that weird, painful place — and I stayed ‘stuck’ for the next six years.

Trapped in ‘the bubble’

It’s hard to convey just how horrific and terrifying this experience was — but I’ll try. The thing is, outwardly I seemed fine and ‘functional.’ I could perform the usual activities of daily life, talk with friends, etc., but my inner world was a dark disaster zone. Nothing felt real to me. I didn’t feel ‘real.’

I felt like I was trapped in an endless nightmare, with no way out. I tried to explain what I was experiencing to my parents and friends, but was met with blank stares or concerned looks and murmurs of sympathy — but no one understood what I meant or had the slightest idea what was going on with me.

I had no idea what was going on with me, for that matter. It was beyond frightening.

After I’d been ‘stuck’ in this state for a while, I started referring to it as ‘the bubble.’ I was trapped inside an invisible, transparent ‘bubble’ that separated me from life, reality, and all living things. I was trapped in a ‘bubble’ of total separateness and alienation, and felt anxious and afraid almost constantly.

Damn it! My life had turned utterly bizarre and ‘weird’ — and to top it off, I’d gotten physically ill while in India and my body was depleted and messed up as well. I was merely existing and ‘surviving,’ not living, and had no idea what ‘fun’ was, anymore.

Breakdown, breakthrough — or both

What the heck was this experience? And why was it happening to me?

Much later, I learned that psychologists have names for what I was experiencing; they call it “depersonalization” or “derealization.” Some psychologists might have said I was ‘schizophrenic’ or having a ‘psychotic break’ — yet I wasn’t psychotic or paranoid, I wasn’t delusional, and I still knew what was ‘real’ (sort of). My problem was that I felt so separate from reality and other people. And I felt increasingly desperate.

Amid my rampant anxiety and growing desperation, I embarked on a frantic quest for answers and healing. I started exploring all sorts of ‘alternative’ healing methods, therapies, and ‘New Age’ ideas and philosophies. Nothing was too ‘far out’ to consider, and my intense curiosity and ‘seeking’ were boundless.

Unknowingly, I had embarked on a full-fledged spiritual quest. My condition precipitated a deep psychological and spiritual crisis, and soon “Seek, and ye shall find” became my personal motto/mantra. I became an avid ‘seeker’ — with a vague, despairing hope of someday ‘finding’ much-needed answers and healing.

In the course of all my seeking and explorations, I had the good fortune to meet several people who became both mentors and close friends. I started experiencing one of the first ‘rules’ of deep inner healing, which is: You can’t do it alone. In a personal crisis and condition like mine, I needed real help — and the only people who could possibly help me were those with some training and/or understanding and grasp of what I was going through.

Seeking and finding healing and new understanding

I was very lucky. Through all my ‘seeking,’ I actually started finding. I found a new friend who understood my suffering and was both empathetic and open-minded. I also found an unconventional spiritual teacher who taught me about meditation, diet, and a philosophy and dietary system called ‘macrobiotics’ that started my body and psyche on the road to healing. Later, I found an amazing psychotherapist who was able to ‘trigger’ my ‘stuff,’ gently push me into deeper self-exploration, and facilitate potent emotional release(s).

But the most powerful and effective healing influence I encountered was a weekend workshop I attended in October ’77 called “Opening the Heart.” It was an intense amalgamation of various psychotherapeutic, healing, and meditation methods that actually accomplished what was promised: it helped me deeply open my heart and get in touch (again) with the loving, open, curious child inside me. This one weekend truly turned my life around. Through this weekend workshop, follow-up meetings, and some ongoing intensive therapy, I really did start to open my heart — and my mind.

And wonder of wonders, I began to heal. I began befriending my body and emotions, and slowly became more ‘grounded.’ My cursed ‘bubble’ began to lessen in fits and starts, and by 1982 had largely subsided. Soon, it became almost a mere memory. I say ‘almost’ because I occasionally experienced a brief recurrence of my ‘bubble state’ at seemingly random times — but eventually, even these disappeared.

Through my desperate seeking and finding, I had reconnected with life and my inner self. I had finally chosen to leave my fear-bubble and join the human race as an active participant.

My ‘bubble’ reflected the agonizing, destructive ‘separateness’ of our culture

What was the deeper ‘purpose’ of this bizarre experience? Why did all this happen to me?

Without going into endless ‘psychologizing’ about my personal and family issues, suffice it to say that I somehow needed this experience to help me heal, grow, and ‘wake up.’ As many healers, therapists, and writers have noted, intense personal suffering and pain are usually the only catalysts strong enough to propel us into self-examination and a quest for inner healing.

Once I was past the ‘crisis point’ of my experience — which lasted over six years — of course I still wanted to understand it (and its causes) better. More, I needed to fully comprehend what had happened, and why. Slowly, it dawned on me that my experience had made me a veritable ‘expert at separateness.’ It had fitted me to become both a witness to the profound, painful ‘separateness’ of our entire civilization and a potential agent of learning and healing for others.

I realized that our entire culture is built on and constantly recreates a horrible ‘separateness’ from nature — and this ‘separateness’ is also reflected in our pathetic ways of relating and communicating. I call them ‘pathetic’ because, truth be told, we barely relate to each other and barely communicate. Most of our supposed ‘relating’ and ‘communicating’ is either insincere or manipulative, or both — while real, deep relating and communication are rare because they require heartfelt effort, vulnerability, and commitment.

Even further, our ‘relating’ and ‘communication’ are often challenging because the human ego itself IS a type of separative (and defensive) ‘bubble’ that we all live within. My experience was just a far more extreme version of the ‘separated ego’ that we all inhabit and accept as we grow up.

Interestingly, one of the goals of most spiritual practices is to help us see through and, to some extent, move beyond our separated ‘ego self’ and connect with ourselves, others, and life at a much deeper level.

My ‘terrible’ experience was also an amazing gift

So, I gradually started to ‘get’ all this. I realized (in hindsight) that my ‘terrible’ experience was an amazing gift. It propelled me into deep questioning, self-exploration, and healing, and provided me with tools and insights I could utilize going forward.

It helped me deeply understand our modern civilization and our extinction-level predicament. It helped me connect with the sorrow and deep suffering underlying our supposed ‘separateness’ from nature and other people. It ripped me apart, dissolved all conceptions of my former ‘self,’ and forced me into frantic searching and eventual healing.

Let me be clear: this entire process was grueling, difficult, and often painful. It required intense work, persistence, and commitment (though at the time, I was ‘caught up’ in endless, frantic searching with zero sense of ‘persistence’). I didn’t realize it then, since I was so confused and ‘lost,’ but I was honing a new direction and commitment for myself — even though it often seemed hopeless, pointless, and/or super-frustrating. Yet I kept on seeking answers and ‘keeping on keeping on’ — mainly because I was so scared and miserable that I couldn’t afford to stop or give up.

There was simply no way I was going to go through the rest of my life stuck in that damn ‘bubble.’ And I was not willing to just give up and kill myself either. Despite everything, I still loved life and myself too much to seriously consider suicide.

Did I sometimes feel deeply depressed? Of course! Did I wallow in despair and intense fear at times? Yes, I sure did — frequently. Yet somehow, my soul persisted, and I kept searching, exploring, and seeking answers.

In the end, it all paid off. It was a monumental struggle, but luckily there were enough ‘bright spots,’ gorgeous ‘ah-ha’ moments, and sweet synchronicities to feed my soul, entice me, and keep me coming back for more.

Four crucial requirements for deep inner healing

This brings me to the last, crucial items I want to communicate: the four things that are absolutely critical and indispensable to a doable, effective journey of healing and personal and spiritual growth. Other writers have no doubt compiled similar lists, but this list is based entirely on my own experiences and realizations.

1. You can’t do it or ‘get there’ alone. We are all so emotionally stunted and spiritually under-nourished in our culture that it is virtually impossible to break free or heal ourselves without extensive help, guidance, or teachings from others. We truly need each other and each other’s feedback and interactive assistance. It’s both OK and vitally necessary to seek and ask for help.

2. For our healing journey to be effective, we must have positive experiences along the way that feed our souls and provide new, positive energy to replace old, ‘stuck’ energies we’re starting to jettison. Much of the inner work of healing can be scary — especially in the beginning — but it gets easier the more we ‘work on ourselves.’ Plus, the pain accompanying inner healing is the pain of growth rather than the pain of stagnation and fear. And sometimes, it can lead to amazing joy and wondrous beauty.

3. A journey of deep inner healing is anathema to our culture, and there is little or NO cultural support for such a venture. This makes it even more crucial to find consistent allies and other dedicated explorers to ‘hang out’ with — including really excellent therapists, healers, and teachers (“By their fruits ye shall know them”). The potential pitfalls and crises that pop up along the path of deep healing demand that we have potent, trustworthy support. We must surround ourselves with committed seekers (at least one, minimum) who are also adept at ‘finding.’ Unsatisfied, perennial ‘seekers’ are just another draining, negative force dragging us down.

4. Remember to occasionally have fun and ‘lighten up.’ The inner work of deep emotional and spiritual healing can often feel heavy and difficult — so it’s crucial to sometimes ‘let it go’ and just play, sing, dance, or laugh and be silly. Or have a glass of wine (unless you’re an alcoholic), relax, and ‘loosen up.’ It’s vital to have at least some fun and enjoyment along the path. The healing journey doesn’t have to be — in fact, shouldn’t be — deadly serious and always ‘heavy.’ Life’s too short for endless struggle and ‘trying’ if there’s no fun or enjoyment along the way.

There you have it. That’s my message for the lost, lonely, confused, and desperate. For all who ‘resonate’ with my message: I wish you the best of luck, love, tenacity, and growth in your own healing journey.

Note: If you are in deep despair and are thinking of ending your life, please call the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Crisis counseling and support are available 24/7, and it may be the most important call of your life. You can also find help on their website at https://988lifeline.org/.

Or call 1–800–273–8255. Remember: we can’t heal or ‘get there’ alone.