A Single Woman’s Perspective on Marriage and Commitment

I remember in my early 20’s mentioning to friends more than once that I would probably never get married. I would brag to them saying ‘I wasn’t the marrying type and ‘marriage wasn’t in my future. It wasn’t something I could put my finger on at the time, but the traditional ceremonial paperwork seemed redundant to me.

Of course, this was just my perspective. I never dreamed of the white picket fence and the forever matrimonial bond. And the wedding just sounded like a nightmare to plan.

Then a few years later, interestingly enough I married a man and had two amazing children with him. Life happened, we divorced but still function as a very close family of four to this day.

Funny fact: Through 12 years of marriage we never received our marriage certificate in the mail. 12 years later and we still never inquired as to why!

I hadn’t defined my relationship with my ex-husband by the marriage certificate.

Non-marriage from a societal perspective

It’s legally binding, which can create problems for both parties down the road
Divorce is a huge, royal pain
Same-sex relationships are not recognized everywhere
Marriage for the wrong reasons can turn to resentment
Some people take advantage of the marital laws and take their respective ex-spouses to the cleaners financially. (I have seen and heard of the worst cases with this).
The certificate doesn’t mean the relationship is more committed
Some still view marriage as a patriarchal institution
Some feel a loss of independence

My adult children know that marriage and having children is completely their choice and I would never pressure them either way or lead them in either direction. Marriage was expected when I was growing up, back in my days the belief that women could have children without marriage was just on the cusp of social acceptance, though not quite amongst the older generation.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

Cohabitation with my first boyfriend was a bit of a song and dance with relatives, but my mother leaned towards acceptance. She always said we should take the car for a test drive first. My mom was awesome! And I took her advice a few times!

I won’t get married again in the future for various reasons. I often times felt suffocated and felt a significant loss of independence which is very important to me.

Aside from my children, I’m a selfish person with my time. I don’t even know how I’ve been fortunate to hold friendships. I don’t want to consider someone else’s time or preferences in travel. I want to go myself for the most part, sans travel partner. I also appreciate that I don’t need permission from anyone to book a flight and take off if I want.

My current long-term relationship has never held me down or prevented me from pursuing life goals, or dreams. As I try not to get in his way of hopes and aspirations either. We don’t live together but are in a committed relationship.

I define our relationship as something that brings out the best in one another, to something that is malleable and constantly transforming to suit each other’s needs.

I define our relationship by the times we can see each other, and our phone conversations.

We define our relationship by trust, compassion and encouragement.

My daughter and I had a conversation and I mentioned ‘my single years’ and she reminded me that I am single, technically.

This had me wondering, even though I’m in a committed relationship I’m single. Even though I’m single, I’m not because I have children. I don’t feel like a single person.

This contradiction is my exact point regarding marriage. There are so many different ideals regarding commitment, and so many different circumstances that it’s difficult to label or define each relationship under one umbrella.

I’m comfortable with my perspective. My children and I understand that happiness can come from many forms of relationships and the traditional marriage certificate isn’t necessarily right for everyone, yet it is perfectly appropriate for some. And even though I personally would not get married again, I would be delighted with an invitation to your wedding. I would bring you a nice gift and truly celebrate your commitment… but just promise not to throw that bouquet in my direction!

Hi, I’m Lily!

If you would like more stories like this then feel free to hit subscribe to get my latest posts to your inbox.

If you want unlimited access to Medium, then consider signing up for a subscription at $5.00 per month under my link.

I’ll get a small commission, and you’ll get access to 1000s of incredible stories by independent writers every day.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***