I was trapped in a criminal’s house, trying to buy myself time for backup to arrive before he killed me.
I’d gone to arrest him without knowing his whole family despised the police. He was built like a tank with a history of violence.
I had about 10 minutes to wait, and what I said next would make the difference between a successful arrest and a blood bath.
This article will help you identify the habits you must banish for effective conversation. I learned the hard way, so you don’t have to.
1. Stop doing this and instantly become more attractive.
If you want to tell someone you don’t give a damn, keep interrupting them.
Whether conducting a police interview, buying time, or going on a first date, interrupting someone can ruin the conversation and destroy any chance of a meaningful relationship with that person.
Interrupting doesn’t just show you aren’t listening. It shows you don’t think the person is even worth your attention.
Take the first date example. People love to talk about themselves. If you want to make an excellent first impression, you facilitate letting your date talk. Not only is this attractive, but it also stops you from being nervous.
What a relief not to have to keep thinking of things to say. This is the ultimate solution to awkward silences.
For me, stuck in the house with the maniac, I asked him about his dog, and then I shut up. The longer he talked, the more time I bought and the more distracted he was.
Here are a few things you can do to stop interrupting people.
- Pause for two seconds.
Many people are so excited to talk that they jump in as soon as their partner has paused for breath.
This shows you’ve been rehearsing what you want to say while they’ve been speaking. Instead, silently count to two before answering.
At first, this might seem like forever, but the other person won’t notice. You’ve given them space if they have more to say; if not, you can talk.
- Active Listening.
When you listen actively, you focus on the speaker’s words. Most people skim through the words while they think of their next witty comment.
This means they aren’t listening and may miss essential statements or context.
The listener notices. You aren’t fooling anyone.
Imagine talking to the boss or having a difficult conversation, and the other person notices you don’t care enough to pay attention.
The irony is that if you stopped planning your next response and just listened to the words being said, your answer would come easier.
- Practice with someone you trust.
Changing any habit requires regular practice, and interrupting is no different.
Enlist the help of someone you trust and ask them to talk about something such as work, a significant life event, or a situation that came up.
Then take the opportunity to listen, work on your internal dialogue, and cut out the triggers that cause you to interrupt people.
Be honest upfront that you’re asking for help and may not be fully committed to the topic of the conversation.
Practice regularly — be quiet when others speak, which will skyrocket your conversational ability.
2. The lesson from a singing Canary.
The best conversationalists know when to shut up.
When you dominate a conversation by talking too much, you leave little room for the other person to speak, so they struggle to engage with you.
Work on balancing your speaking and listening time.
This is never more important than in a police interview, where the whole point is to get as much information out of a suspect as possible.
Many suspects don’t want to talk at all. So when you get one that does decide to speak, your role is to shut up and let him go on as long as he wants.
We call it “singing like a canary,” and letting the bird sing is our job.
Once the suspect has exhausted everything he wants to say, it’s time to go over it, ask questions and seek clarity.
The one thing you don’t want to do is put words and ideas in the suspect’s mind through suggestion.
Here are some tips on how to shut up more often.
- Find your listening ratio.
This is the amount of time you should spend listening vs. talking. This may look like 20/80, where you spend 20% of the time talking and 80% listening.
- Be prepared.
When you’re nervous, you talk too much. So prepare your thoughts and speech ahead of time.
You must know what you want to say in a presentation or a meaningful conversation.
To reduce brain strain, try to have one key message you want people to remember, then have three points to support the main message.
- Be aware of time.
Understand how long you’ve been talking to reign in any long soliloquy you may blurt out.
After about 20 seconds, you lose the listener’s attention, so you should pay attention and look for cues.
They might start fidgeting or checking their phone. Their eyes might wander.
As a rule, don’t speak for more than 40 seconds at a time, or you risk irritating your listener.
3. Real stress is having to be polite to a rapist.
One of the most challenging times I ever had to listen to someone without judging them was when I arrested a grown man for raping a 14-year-old.
He was a pathetic creature who spent the whole time whimpering and half-heartedly attempting to jump out the window, knowing we would restrain him.
When you judge someone, you create a hostile, adversarial atmosphere that makes connecting with the other person difficult.
All I wanted to do was beat the snot out of him, but that wouldn’t have helped the victim. Instead, I had to play by the rules, let this man express himself, and look after him in our custody.
He later went to prison, which was much easier because he confessed. The justice process might have been destroyed if I hadn’t treated him respectfully.
Here’s how you can be less judgmental.
- Notice what triggers your judgmental thoughts.
Often, casting judgment is reflexive. If you can identify when you’re most judgmental, it can help you slow your thoughts in those moments.
Are you more judgmental when stressed?
Morning or evening?
What kind of people do you judge the most?
- Reframe your judgmental thoughts.
Take your judgments and rewrite them with more empathy. Stop being critical and start being curious.
For example, if someone is always late for her engagements, rewrite this to “maybe she’s got a lot on and having some problems.”
Once you learn to do this for others, do it for yourself. We could all do with being more compassionate to ourselves.
- Use the “five senses” mindfulness strategy.
Describe five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
This aims to bring you into the present moment, where you can consider the true intentions behind actions and how you judge them.
The benefits of being able to talk to anyone are vast.
Nothing is more vital to success than building relationships with others. Conversation is our vessel to achieve this.
Improving your conversation skills is a process that requires patience, practice, and willingness to change your habits.
You can improve your ability to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.
By using the strategies discussed in this article, your life will change for the better in many ways.
Your relationships will improve. You might find the love of your life, and don’t be surprised if you suddenly get a promotion.
If you can talk just as easily with a King as with a criminal, there’s little you can’t achieve.
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Previously Published on Medium
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