In 2007, Jezebel published a piece titled “Did Eat, Pray, Love Sell Millions Because Elizabeth Gilbert Cheated on Her Husband?” The piece hit the point I’m trying to make here, at least with the headline. Far from judging the female cheater, readers by the millions root for her. With the incessant headlines of guys behaving badly, the fact that the whole premise of a book could be about a woman behaving badly, admitting it openly, and then going on a grand spiritual journey to fix herself is a breath of fresh air. We skip right past the behaving badly part and suck up the escape fantasy as an elixir for all that is wrong with the world.
That, in a nutshell, is what pisses me off. It’s hypocritical and a double standard. What would happen if the genders were reversed? A guy cheats on his wife of six years because he just isn’t that into her anymore. His mistress is some much younger actress with eyes the size of saucers. But she dumps his ass eventually, setting him on a year of eating, praying, and loving as the solution to his sexual addiction.
Man isn’t the only gender that cheats. Last time I checked, heterosexual sex requires a man and a woman to work properly.
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Just imagine, for instance, if Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina, decided to write a tell-all book about leaving his wife in favor of his South American mistress, including his trips to Argentina to enjoy the cultural delights and the food of the faraway land. That book might, in fact, sell—but not for the same reasons that Eat, Pray, Love spent 57 weeks atop The New York Times bestseller list. Mark Sanford as memoirist wouldn’t be celebrated as the guy who has reached into our collective souls and spoken to our deepest desires as men. No, Sanford would still be in the headlines as yet another example of manhood gone desperately wrong.
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I realize that the popularity of Gilbert’s book is due to the fact that women want revenge for perceived wrongs. She did to the guys in her life what so many women have had to endure. I get it. But the question remains: Does that make it right? Men aren’t the only ones who cheat. Many married women cheat, and any woman sleeping with a married man is, in my view, equally culpable. So again, why the beating of the drum about men-as-scumbags?
I’m not expecting our culture to stop obsessing over men’s infidelity anytime soon. But I would ask that you consider, for one moment, that we obsess about men being good, rather than bad, once in a while. The pass we give female adulterers—as a reaction to the implicit assumption that men are the real cheaters—is a sign of how far we have to go in that direction.
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Meet the Men’s Rights Movement
Hugo Schwyzer: How Men’s Rights Activists Get Feminism Wrong
Paul Elam: On Misandry: What’s Wrong With Men?
Amanda Marcotte: The Solution to MRA Problems? More Feminism
Zeta Male: The Top 10 Issues of Men’s Rights
Kaelin Alexander: Men’s Studies: Teaching Masculinities in the Margins
Pelle Billing: Unlocking the Men’s Rights Movement
David Futrelle: Dismantling the Men’s Rights Movement
Dan Moore of Menz: The MRA Perspective
Ron Mattocks: When Men Are the Victims of Abuse
Tom Matlack: Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?
Blixa Scott: Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?
Joseph Caputo: Can We Degenderize Domestic Violence?
Buy the book here!
As the faithful wife of a husband who has cheated on her with prostitutes, lied, swore to change etc…. As someone who gave him my entire heart, soul, and body only to have it utterly crushed upon learning of his adultery. As someone who has in the time since separating had multiple opportunities to get close to other men, but couldn’t bring herself to do it because it still feels like cheating. I write this as a woman scorned and hurt terribly. I just wanted to say that cheating is unacceptable no matter what gender it is that does the… Read more »
Demosthenes XXI,though I praise Winfrey for her giving voice to sexual abuse victims,of whom she is one,otherwise she’s like MOST black women,particularly the obese ones;she hates black men who aren’t TOTALLY p-whipped and would date/marry fat broads!!!!!!!
Can you imaging how I’d be treated in school today?I’m black,cover boy handsome (today at 61 as well as then),150-160 IQGENIUS LEVEL!!!!!-speak/comprehend English at 16.4 Grade Level-first-year
university postgraduate level-totally un-athletic,small (then;today,I’m five-nine or thereabouts,205 lb.,boasting 181/4″ biceps,though I’m 20-25 lb. overweight),and into heavy metal and Country (yes,I’m BLACK!!!!!),plus preferring buxom blondes.Today,all my propensities get my “blackness” questioned;but about adultery,Woods’ cheating is viewed by many blacks as his lack of “racial consciousness” because he’s married and trysts only with white women.
I’m sorry, but Kristen Stuart can prove your whole argument wrong.
Good blog post. I absolutely love this site. Stick with it!
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I’m not wholly convinced of your point. The men who face the most scandal when they cheat are powerful politicians. We don’t have enough powerful female politicians to compare. I think movie stars get more of a pass partly because they are expected to misbehave and partly because we don’t vote for them. Celebrities like Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and Charlie Sheen are such extreme cheaters it’s impossible not to condemn their actions – and it makes for exciting stories. On the other hand, I think you have a point about Elizabeth Gilbert. In a guy her actions would be… Read more »
The root of the issue you prompt tom, is religion. The false ideas of all religion to give a womb to every man is the destruction of the equality and/or any possible equality of the sexes. A real shame.
As a parent of children with ADHD, including a DAUGHTER with ADHD, I take offense at the suggestions that boys are being over medicated. Yes, ADHD affects more boys than girls… Part of that is because it tends to present in girls in the form of impulsiveness and inattention, which gets far less attention than hyperactivity, it also tends to not need medication until the kid has a heavier load of school work. Ritalin is actually no where near as bad as many of the alternatives. Unfortunately the bad name Ritalin was given caused my ex-husband’s parents to tell the… Read more »
Don’t forget Bridges of Madison County! Whores.
I was disappointed with this article for failing to offer analysis. The author identified a trend (male cheaters being regarded more negatively than female cheaters) and offered some examples to support this trend. (I don’t know if I agree, but he did do his job as an author up to this point.) I was waiting for a hypothesis about WHY this might be true, and he failed to offer one. Very disappointing!
Tom, in consideration of your article, you have to realize that many mainstream American women (not all) are products of the “Oprah Era.” Ms. Winfrey and her show absolved a lot of women for their wrongdoings on her show and as a result, she engendered a lot of false empowerment for a lot of things that should have been socially reprehensible; adultery being one of them. She promoted the idea that if a woman did something wrong especially to a man, it was because the man did something to deserve it. Actor Sasha Mitchell was falsely accused of domestic violence… Read more »
This whole article can be answered by the “More feminism” article also currently active on this very site. The reasons for the double-standard in celebrity infidelity is, in large part, because we have a different set of standards for men and women. It seems biased against men at the top of the social scale simply because that’s not the whole picture. Let’s head down a few notches–watch a week’s worth of the Maury Povich show. Okay, wait–I won’t put you through that. Let me sum it up instead. The MPS has one major theme–infidelity. Couples come on, with one partner… Read more »
Oh, and one other element–most celebrity gossip is driven by a handful of publications and websites. Until recently, almost all of these were marketed and targeted almost exclusively towards women (People Magazine, Nat’l Enquirer, etc). It’s one of the few media environments where there really is a preference to appeal to women (at least, to women in traditional roles within a patriarchal society). As such, women having an affair get the “New true love” line, while guys get accused of being philanderers. Most mainstream media, when talking about celebrities, take their cues from the tabloids, so they follow that lead.… Read more »
Feminist institutions actively lobby for double standards, bigotry, and sexism against men. They are neither shy nor secretive about it.
Interesting analysis!
Tom, I know I’m late to the party here and perry has hit all the good fastballs but something else to consider. adultery isn’t even looked at in divorce court the same between genders. If a man cheats, it can be a basis for dissolving the marriage and awarding more assets than a no fault divorce would allow. while female adultery, unless the children are present when it happens is not looked the same by judges. Judges and lawyers even argue in open court that female adultery is likely caused BY THE HUSBAND. The problem isn’t confined to celebrities and… Read more »
@Tom Matlack You are begining to understand the energy that drives the MRM. I wonder if you have noticed that, before me, the MRM was completely absent from this discussion. The feminists are out in force, but the MRM did not bother to show up. Why is that? If MRM hate women so much, why are they completely absent from a juicy discussion where women can be shamed and dehumanized en masse? Answer: MRM have nothing against women. MRM have no interest in an opportunity to attack women as a gender. MRM have bigger fish to fry, like defending our… Read more »
Actually, Ant, there’s been several MRAs on this very thread already. I counted about five on my way through the comments list. “Feminist enforced substance abuse by boys”? Bwuh?
Ritalin.
That stuff is toxic and it’s mostly given to boys. Who are being medicated because they don’t fit the ‘system’.
The problems likely predate feminism, but they seem to be coming to a head now.
One consequence of the criminalization of masculinity is that parents are forced to dope their boys on Ritalin or other psychotropic drugs. This is done when threats and coercion fail to convince boys to act like girls. Methamphetamine like drugs are some of the heaviest weapons deployed by feminists in their war on boys.
This is another example of MRAs correctly identifying a problem (over-medicating children) but incorrectly identifying the causes — they just blame feminism for everything.
Reality is much more complex than “us vs. them.”
I am loving this e-zine and pretty much agree with everything. And yes, being from outside the USA, I think that the USA media portray female adultery as some sort of good. I always wonder (in horror) if the portray of females as shown in TV series like “Sex and the city”, or worse “Desperate Housewives” has something to do with reality in that country. “Desperate Housewives” simply made adultery “good” when a woman did it, and “bad” when a man did it. Plus, all the women were basically hysterical and acted quite stupid, except for the working one who… Read more »
I was put on Ritalin too when I was young. While I think that Ritalin is used (misused) to try to make children behave like adults, I’m don’t think its a feminist weapon.
Whores! The whole lot of them!
The problem with this article is that it compares public reaction to particularly outlandish examples of male infidelity to more mundane examples of female infidelity – Eliot Spitzer using hookers while in office and John Edwards knocking up his mistress while his wife is dying of cancer & trying to pass off the child as someone else’s – these guys were just INSANE. Politicians, including women and liberals, cannot get away with this in the U.S. This isn’t Italy. Then there’s Tiger Woods and his bottomless well of Vegas strippers, all of whom seemed quite happy to prolong the scandal… Read more »
PERFECT. Love this post. I laughed hard at the list.
Excellent advice. Like all good advice, those who need it the most are least likely to heed it.
“Tom Matlack explores why we tolerate—and, in many cases, celebrate—when celebrity woman cheat on their husbands.”
You know, if the writer of this article does not know the difference between “Singular” and “Plural” nouns in the article title – then I will not waste my time reading the rest of this. Get your act together Editors.
NEXT!
It seems you’re overlooking the magnitude of the transgressions here. The Tiger Woods scandal involved, what, dozens of women? Jesse James had several women too. Charlie Sheen is just a total mess (and I’d argue he got more than his share of free passes when it comes to domestic violence). Mark Sanford left his whole state — let alone his wife — with no idea where he was so he could chase tail. John Edwards was running for president and supposedly caring for his sick wife. And Eliot Spitzer used taxpayer resources and got caught doing exactly what he used… Read more »
The men mentioned in the article cheated in particularly skank ways. That’s why they get drummed. Women cheat as much and are as selfish as men as far as all that goes, but they generally aren’t hiring prostitues (Spitzer) or sleeping with every checkout boy and adult film star they come across(aka Woods). Basically married women cheat in ways that are basic and boring. As soon as women at large are on an equal financial/power footing with men, rest assured they will use their resources and privilege to be every bit as skank as their compadres.
“I realize that the popularity of Gilbert’s book is due to the fact that women want revenge for perceived wrongs. She did to the guys in her life what so many women have had to endure.” This comment makes me think that Mr. Matlack didn’t read the book that he’s using as an example. Most of the book doesn’t deal with either of the men mentioned or even sex or romance. (And when these men are brought up, there is no triumph, just pain.) The point of the book is finding yourself and being happy (through a one-year self-centered vacation).… Read more »
I find it hilarious you guys are all up in arms about a book like Eat, Pray, Love when book’s like Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” fly off the shelves just as fast. If we are talking sheer lack of moral center…
Seriously.
Plus, who (save J.Lo) is even relevant on that list? I mean, I haven’t heard of them or they were already has-beens when the cheating occurred, that is probably more likely why it didn’t make headlines.
Now if it was Angelina Jolie cheatin’ on Brad Pitt.
So you’re saying the protagonist of ‘Eat, Love, Pray’ is morally equivalent to Tucker Max.
Okay, I’m fine with that. Except that she wasn’t really portrayed as a amoral, selfish, hedonistic bastard. And, as far as I know, Tucker didn’t cheat on anyone and doesn’t hide his selfishness behind some sort of ‘spiritual quest’ so he is, actually, a rung above her morally.
There is no double standard. These types of books are also written by men. Have you read “High Fidelity?” The book depressed me to no end because it described a guy cheating as some kind of totally normal reaction to the blandness of a relationship that he was actually responsible for…
Men are bad, women are good, and don’t you forget it!
Id like to add one more thing. I didnt read Eat Pray Love, but I know that the crux of that story was a divorcee off to find herself and in her journey finds a new man. What that book is NOT about is the pain of an affair. On both sides. The pain is very real. She doesnt address that. Sure there are people who cheat just for the sex, but I would argue that affairs that have been caused because a partner fell in love with another are excrutiantingly painful, and hard decisions abound. AND, I would also… Read more »
I also think men feel they can stay in an unhappy marriage until the kids are grown-up because they can leave eventually and still find a new partner whereas a woman might leave an unhappy marriage for another partner earlier on, feeling that her chances for finding love again greatly diminish with her age.