An Abundance of Sex and Drugs at the Chill Life Retirement Community

Frankie Levitt was so nervous he kept thinking twice about turning around at the doors of ‘’Chill Life’’ a sixty-plus retirement community. He had purchased a new three-bedroom house located at 18 Martini Boulevard.

According to Chill Life protocol and his sales agreement, he had to come to the main Chill administration building for a lifestyle seminar on Chill Life living before he could officially move in.

Frankie parked, took a deep breath, then got out, walked across the parking lot, and went through the front doors. He was greeted by Jimmy Buffett music and a woman offering Land Shark Beer or lemonade. ‘’Hi, I’m Anna. Welcome to the Chill Life. I’ll escort you to Theatre B for your orientation. If you need anything, please let me know, and I’ll look after you.’’

Frankie quickly appraised Anna. She was about sixty-two, blonde, and in good shape. She had a lovely smile. They walked together through a building that featured a large movie theatre, a gym, and a card/billiards room. Anna smiled ‘’There are more amenities in this building, and there are different game rooms in Chill Life Two. Chill Life copied a University Centre. There’s lots of pubs and cafes. Speaking of coffee if you ever need a cup, there’s a really nice Cafe in Chill 2 called ‘The Hip Brewster’’

When they entered the lecture hall, Frankie was surprised by how expansive it was and the number of people waiting for the presentation to begin. Anna showed him to his seat, smiled, and whispered ‘’I look forward to seeing you again real soon.’’

Over the next ten minutes, the crowd in the auditorium swelled in numbers. It was quite impressive; Chill Life was a happening place.

The lights finally went down, and then a spotlight shone on centre stage where a man and woman were standing, looking out over the audience. ‘’Hi everybody, I’m Bert, and this is my husband Jack. We are the founders of Chill Life, and we want to welcome you to the coolest community on the planet.’’ Jack took over: ‘’What makes Chill Life unique is that we are very careful with who we let into the community. We dig deep to make sure the Best people in every way are part of what makes Chill Life a Wonderful place to live.’’ Bert got back on the mic beside her husband. ‘’We reject more people than we invite to join us here in our slice of paradise.’’ Jack stepped boldly forward ‘’We want to remind y’all of a few things. We care about aesthetics. It’s a big deal. So don’t clutter your lawns or park junk cars, cause we will have you out of here before you can spin your head. No loud partying past eleven. No Airbnbs. We don’t want strangers walking our streets. You can smoke your weed, but be considerate of your neighbours. Please try to smoke in areas that won’t affect their air quality. Please remember, it’s not cool to drive your golf carts while stoned or drunk. You can be charged by our enforcement team. There’s more in the digital handbook that we’ve sent to you. Finally, and this is a big one. We’ve had some trouble recently with people catching STI’s. If you don’t know what that is, it’s Sexually Transmitted Infections. We want you to have fun and enjoy your life, but wear protection so you’re not spreading diseases to other people. One woman whom I won’t name became quite ill with a Urinary problem. So, be kind, have fun, and be responsible. If you have any questions, the staff at Chill One can help you. Now go move in, and enjoy the Chill Life.’’

Frankie stood up and felt overwhelmed. Sex and Drugs were part of the welcoming presentation. It was like Chill Life was a big Frat party. He walked toward the exit, looking around and wondering if he would fit in. He was no Lothario and had never smoked a marijuana joint in his life and had no intention of starting now.

Just as he reached the exit, he bumped into a very attractive woman. She smiled at him ‘’Are you a resident here?’’ Frankie shook his head ‘’Kind of, I’m just moving in.’’ The woman giggled ‘’Oh, I need to get to know you. I need to meet males who aren’t full of STIs. I’m also just moving in; my name’s Jeannie.’’

They walked together to their respective cars. Jeannie was driving a very nice BMW. ‘’Where do you live, Frankie?’’ He smiled ‘’I live on a street that invites you to come in for a drink. It’s called Martini Boulevard’’ Jeannie laughed ‘’I’m on Daiquiri.’’ Frankie held the door open for Jeannie as she got into her car. ‘’So happy to meet you; let’s get together soon.’’

As she drove off, Frankie thought to himself that maybe the Chill Life would be okay.

His new place was pristine, and he enjoyed setting things up. About two hours after he arrived, a moving truck showed up, and his furniture was unloaded, and by five o’clock he was looking at his furnished new home. He went to the Chill Life supermarket and filled his cart with fresh fruit and baked goods. Since he only ate Kosher meat, he would have to wait for a delivery from ‘’The Kosher Kitchen.’’ As he was exiting, he was approached by a woman with a big smile on her face. ” How are you doing? I’m Lucy. We haven’t met, but I noticed you squeezing tomatoes.’’ Frankie introduced himself and said he was doing great and was enjoying his first day.’’ Lucy, who had long black hair, kind of purred. ‘’So good. I’ve lived here for two years; it’s a fun place. Tonight at Chill 2 is Eighties Rock. Why don’t we go together? I understand the Springsteen Tribute Band is incredible.’’ Frankie was thinking about what to do when Lucy smiled. ‘’Come on, we’ll have fun.’’

Frankie accepted the offer, and Lucy, who lived on Pina Colada Street, said she’d pick him up at seven.

Frankie wasn’t sure what to wear, but since it was Springsteen and eighties rock, he put on a T-shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots. At five to seven, Lucy came whipping into his driveway in a pink golf cart. ‘’Do you wanna smoke some Mary Jane before the show?’’ Frankie declined, and Lucy shook her head and motioned for him to get into her golf cart. ‘’If we’re not going to party, we might as well get good seats; the partying can come later.’’

As they sat down in the concert hall, Frankie noticed there were a lot of women and not so many men. He leaned over to Lucy. ” Where are the guys?’’ Lucy laughed ‘’That’s the thing about Chill Life; there are almost two times as many women as there are men. That’s why women end up dating guys who’ve been around. The result is STIs.’’

Frankie couldn’t keep his mind off the statistic. He didn’t know if it was good or bad. Sometimes too much choice could make a person crazy. He wanted to meet one great woman, not seven hundred. He was a widower who had no interest in getting a social disease.

The intermission of the show allowed for people to go to the lobby and buy snacks and drinks. Frankie asked Lucy if she’d like anything. She turned and looked at him and then moved her hand and placed it on his thigh ‘’Later, I expect something hot from you later.’’ Frankie stood up, I’m going to get a cold drink.’’

He followed the crowd and went to the lobby. He patiently lined up. He was almost at the front when he noticed a very attractive brunette standing beside him. She smiled at him. He smiled back ‘’Are you enjoying the show?’’ She nodded ‘’Yeah, and it brings back great memories. I used to go to Boss shows with my ex-husband. They were the Best.’’ Frankie was in front of the bartender. He looked over at the woman he had been talking to, ‘’’ Can I buy you a drink?’’ She limboed under the barrier that separated them and joined him.’’ I’ll have a Margarita.’’ Frankie ordered a Diet Coke and a Margarita. The Bartender handed over the drinks. He looked at Frankie ‘’Do you want this on your Chill card?’’ Frankie was confused ‘’Chill card?’’ The woman laughed. As part of your monthly HOA payments, you get two hundred dollars for amenities like concert tickets and drinks at shows and food at certain restaurants. Don’t you have your Chill card with you?’’ Frankie looked in his wallet and pulled out a Black card that had Chill logo on the front and a number on the back. He handed it over. The Bartender smiled ‘’Do you want to give a tip?’’ Frankie didn’t, but he felt compromised. ‘’Uh sure, five bucks would be fine.’’ The bartender kind of smirked and, after a few seconds, handed the card back. The woman beside him walked out of the line and to a small standing table where he joined her. ‘’Do you have an alcohol problem? I noticed you didn’t order a drink.’’ Frankie tried to explain that he just didn’t feel like getting one when the lights in the lobby went on and off. She giggled ‘’Time to get back to our seats. It was good meeting you. Let’s do it again.’’ She then took off.

Frankie re-entered the auditorium and tried to find Lucy but was completely lost. He was about to take a random seat when he finally spotted her. He sat down just as the ‘’Springsteen Forever’’ band started. She looked over at him and put her hands in front of her. ‘’I missed you, as I was sitting here I was getting lonely. Do you want to leave now and go back to my place?’’

Frankie was surprised. He wasn’t that forward but there was no question about what Lucy wanted. Sex. As he listened to the song Glory Days he had to ask himself, did he want to be intimate with Lucy.

The concert was long and ended with two encores. When they left the auditorium he caught sight of the short woman who had enjoyed a Margarita with him. Lucy grabbed his hand. ‘’Lot of good looking women in Chill Life.’’

Frankie didn’t answer and soon found himself in Lucy’s Pink Golf Cart. As they were whipping to her house, Frankie felt conflicted. He loved making love, but he wanted it to be with someone he was genuinely interested in.Was he being a prude.

Lucy’s house was very nice and they pulled right into the garage. When the garage door closed behind them, Frankie felt kind of trapped.

As they walked into the living room, Lucy stopped grabbed Frankie and started kissing passionately. It was very nice and soon Frankie was in the mood. All inhibitions disappeared. They slowly started undressing when Frankie took a little step back. ‘’I uh don’t have protection with me.’’ Lucy laughed ‘’Don’t worry I’m over my STD.’’

Reality zoomed into focus. ‘’Wait, what you had an STI?’’ Lucy laughed once again. ‘’Yeah, last year, it was nothing serious and it’s long gone.’’ Frankie pulled his pants back on. ‘’Uh, I don’t want to make love unless I’ve got a condom on.’’ Lucy shook her head ‘’Don’t be a wimp. You can survive one night without a condom. Trust me.’’ Frankie didn’t want to trust her, he just wanted to exit with his body in tact and no diseases inside. It was hard to leave as Lucy was very attractive and had a great body, but he didn’t want to become a statistic at Chill Life. He somehow convinced Lucy that they would make up for his exiting by going out on Saturday night. Inside he knew he had no interest in going out with her Saturday night but he had to get home.

Lucy insisted on dropping him off at his house. ‘’I’m disappointed but I had a good time. See ya on Saturday Night. I’ll pick you up at seven thirty.’’ Frankie gave her a kiss, nodded and jumped out of the golf cart as she took off back to her place.

Inside his house Frankie thought about everything and quickly came to the conclusion Chill Life was a Wild place. He honestly didn’t know if he fit in or would ever fit in. He wondered if he was alone in those thoughts.

A couple of days later in the Chill Two building where he had gone for a bite at a restaurant called ‘’Sunrise In Paradise’’ Frankie overheard two people talking at the table beside him. He listened closely ‘’Fred Armita’s brother is looking to buy a place in the development. Prices have shot up and Fred was saying his brother Will wants to buy now, but there’s a waiting list for new houses, and there is very little for sale. The older houses are nice, but he’s looking for a new build. He’s willing to pay fifty thousand over what they cost when they first went on the market.’’ Frankie couldn’t resist. He interupted their conversation. ‘’I just moved in this week to a new house and it’s beautiful. I wouldn’t mind selling for a profit, so if Fred is interested I could show him my place it’s on 18 Martini Boulevard.’’ The guy who had been talking nodded. ‘’Great location, let me call Fred.’’ Within minutes they were at Frankie’s house and Fred Armita was checking it out. When he was done, he looked at Frankie ‘’Are you sure you’re willing to sell, this is a beautiful house and a really great location.’’ Frankie smiled ‘’If you’re brother is serious about buying and will to pay the extra fifty thousand, it’s a done deal. Fred called his brother, went over the details hung up and shook Frankie’s hand. ‘’He’ll be here tomorrow with a check, if you want to get in touch with your Real Estate lawyer we can get things moving. The only hiccup is the transaction has to be approved by Chill Life which will take a couple of weeks, but I know Bert and Jack and I don’t think it will be any kind of problem.’’

When Fred left with his friends, Frankie felt great. Chill Life was a very cool place, it was just a little too cool for him. He needed something more relaxing and he started looking at Retirement Resorts around golf courses.

Frankie enjoyed his last month (it took a little longer for the sale to go through then expected) at Chill Life. He went out with Lucy a couple of times and made sure he had protection. He also dated a couple of other women, When he ran into Jeannie Bronson and told her that he had sold his place, she explained she wanted to do the same.

By the time Frankie was ready to move, he and Jeannie were seeing each other daily and she had an offer on her place. It was decided that she would move in with him at his new home at Needle Rock Resort. She loved playing golf.

After the moving truck came and cleaned out his furniture and he was all packed up, Frankie left Chill Life feeling better for the experience. As he was driving out of the community he passed Lucy in her pink golf cart driving some guy around. Frankie laughed as he saw her hand on the guy’s thigh.

It was nice to know that when people reached a certain age, they could still live life to the fullest. It was also nice to know there were places where they could have great experiences. If those same people could only watch out for those damn STI’s.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.