I believe there are no mistakes when we love someone. At least—there are no mistakes in the actual act of loving. In relationships there are plenty of mistakes. It takes courage and strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable with another human being. We learn to trust the other person and day by day the trust runs deeper, as does the love. Loving hard is what we, as humans, are meant to do. When a relationship expires, we often feel shame surrounding the love we gave so willingly.
Shame comes from a place deeper than what we experience at the end of a relationship. It is important to explore the shame and what it means for the present and future. For a long time, I wanted to avoid my shame story. Let’s face it, who wants to look at why they feel flawed and unworthy of anything? I certainly did not.
The wounds from an expiring relationship tend to be more than what is going on in the present. Yes, a breakup can be an emotionally debilitating experience. Nonetheless, many of the emotions triggered stem from our old feelings of shame. To truly heal it is imperative to delve into shame. Those pesky negative beliefs we have about ourselves need to be addressed once and for all. If we never look at them, then they are always lingering and waiting.
Shame waits for its perfect opportunity because it wants to be addressed. Like any emotion, it wants to have its day in the sun. Emotions are neither good nor bad, but they need to be given their space. When we address the emotion as needed, we take away the power it has. Along with taking away the power, we can see the other side of the emotion.
My shame story goes back many moons and tells me I am unworthy of love. It is a part of my narrative which I have needed to navigate on numerous occasions. It does not mean it is true. It simply means a part of me will go back to that space when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and gotten hurt. Since I understand that piece of my story, I can look at pieces of my story which counteract it. Without this understanding I would not have the ability to understand the importance of doing what is best for me.
We will never be able to control what others decide to do with the love we give. Loving someone comes with a certain amount of risk. There are no guarantees. However, understanding our own personal stories can make the healing from heartache a little easier. It is crucial we learn how to take care of ourselves and nurture ourselves back to a better place. Shame is only a part of our story which we can use to grow from. My shame story may creep in and tell me I am unworthy of love, but it is also written on my heart that I am deserving.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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