Dillan DiGiovanni is inspired by Andrew Solomon’s vulnerability and courage as a gay father, and as a gay man.
—
Among the many incredible stories shared in this Ted talk by the award-winning and talented writer, Andrew Solomon, is one about his role as a father, in particular, the identity he claims as a gay father.
As the nation prepares to celebrate Father’s Day this weekend, many people in many cities will simultaneously be celebrating LGBTQ Pride Week. In this recent Ted talk, Solomon highlights both issues with the delicate grace, deep insight and gentle wit people have come to expect from this work.
The story he shares in the last minutes of this video, a story about something his son, George, said to him at his 50th birthday party, makes an incredible case for the importance of fatherhood and, in particular, gay fatherhood. Solomon shares so vulnerably something that any father of any identity can relate to, that of being loved and adored by someone, namely his child. I give much credit to the Ted video editors for capturing the close-up of Solomon’s reaction in recounting the story, his timing and meter impeccable as always, as well as reactions of the audience, many of whom raised hands to mouths, gasping at the beauty and deep intimacy of the story. It certainly brought tears to my own eyes.
If this beautiful moment is something anyone could relate to and connect with, why is Solomon’s experience of fatherhood as a gay man so important? Quite simply, it’s because gay men may experience such extreme pain and isolation growing up and as young and adult men, just like Solomon shares about his own past. Solomon’s talk is all about forging meaning and building identity. He shares about the deeply reparative love and sense of meaning and purpose he derives from loving his partner and raising his family. The difficult experiences he endured growing up, targeted and bullied as a gay man, has made his present experience as a happily married husband and father that much more meaningful, that much more powerful and precious. He acknowledges that many heterosexual families enjoy similar levels of joy, meaning and gratitude but says, “Gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh and gay families so exhilaratingly new, and I’ve found meaning in that surprise.”
In many places all over the world. including in many towns and cities here in America, gay men experience extreme acts of violence and intolerance as a result of being gay. Solomon shares the extreme privilege he gets to enjoy, it is not lost on him. He uses his voice and the status he has achieved as a writer and speaker to bring light and awareness to the injustices still experienced by so many people.
One of the gifts Solomon has chosen to take from the painful experiences of his past is the ability to own his pain and forge meaning from each experience. He does this, in part, to be a really effective father. He says, “As a gay father, I can teach them to own what is wrong in their lives. But I believe that if I succeed in sheltering them from adversity, I will have failed as a parent.”
♦◊♦
I have met Andrew a few times, and he’s an incredible human being. I was inspired to see him speak so openly and honestly both about the horrors he endured and the ways he’s chosen to use those experiences as means to transform himself and anyone who listens to him and reads his work. This talk is nothing short of brilliant and essential to this time in history, when identity politics is undergoing a massive surge in progress and positive transformation all around the world.
He says, “I used to think I would know myself to be mature when I could simply be gay without emphasis, but the self-loathing of that period, left a void. And celebration needs to fill and overflow it. And even if I repay my private debt of melancholy, there’s still an outer world of homophobia that it will take decades to address. Someday, being gay will be a simple fact, free of party hats and blame, but not yet. A friend of mine, who thought gay pride was getting very carried away with itself, once suggested that we organize Gay Humility Week. It’s a great idea, but it’s time has not yet come.”
Indeed, it has not. As we continue to work toward what it means to be gay and what it means to be a good father, Andrew Solomon, in sharing openly and honestly about his past and present as a gay man and as a gay father, shares an invaluable gift, not only to the global, cultural conversation but also with gay fathers who can relate to his personal experience.
Find more Ted talks here.