Are You Looking for a 'Good Guy' in a Sea of Sharks?

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I’m single again, six-years down the drain. After the breakup, my uncle asked me, “what’s the problem, why don’t you just settle down with a good guy?” Question asked, question answered.

The problem is that I keep mistaking bad guys for good ones and by the time their inner shark comes out, I’ve already been devoured.

The most recent bad guy was exceptionally stealthy at lying, cheating and gaslighting. If I’d been able to see him for the shark he was early on, I could have paddled away quietly before he spotted me.

Photo by Ali Abdul Rahman on Unsplash

I’m tough and have the tenacity of a moss piglet, so I’m ready to go back out there and give it another try.

But this time, I’m going about it differently. I have some new ways to spot sharks right away so I can escape before it’s too late.

For all you ladies out there who’ve wasted too much time on undeserving men, I hope these tips will help you avoid sharks in your quest for a good man.

Sharks can smell blood in the water.

Stay away from the guys who have the “New Member” notifications turned on in their dating apps. They do this because they’ve exhausted their dating pool and are waiting for fresh meat so they can strike right away.

I joined Bumble the other day. I had 25 Likes before I’d finished uploading my profile pics and about 50 more by the time I’d answered the few questions.

My advice? Swipe left on all of them for the first hour or so. These guys are too ravenous to be trifled with.

What cancelling on you last minute really says.

No matter if you’re meeting for the first time or have already been on a few dates, a guy who cancels on you at the last minute is probably busy meeting up with someone else.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with dating multiple people when you aren’t exclusive, but cancelling on you to meet up with someone else clearly says you’re his plan B.

Whether it’s another woman, his buddies, or “a work thing”, you’re too low on his list. Get away quick before his plan A falls through and he circles back around.

Do his words match his actions?

When you meet a guy and you’re trying to figure out if he’s a good one, if he says he’s family oriented and puts relationships first, you can know for sure by asking questions.

Did he go to his mom’s big birthday party? Or did he skip it to go to Vegas for March-Madness?

If he has kids, zero in on his relationship with them. You’ll get everything you need to know about what’s important to him.

At Christmas, did he dress up as Santa at his kid’s school party? Or was he skiing with his buddies instead?

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By asking a few questions and drilling down to what he says versus what he does, you’ll get a true sense of his priorities and know for sure if he’s one of the good ones.

Guys who go dark are hiding something.

I went on a few dates with a guy who was usually available during the day. He’d text me in the morning and later we’d meet up for lunch or an early happy hour. But then in the evening he’d go dark on me, and I wouldn’t hear back from him until the next morning.

Photo by Kev Costello on Unsplash

As you probably guessed, he was married. I found out on St. Patrick’s Day after he’d cancelled our plans at the last minute. Later that night, I ran into him and his wife at a local pub — long story short, his Irish luck had run out and he was busted.

If you’re dating a guy who is only available on short notice or frequently goes dark overnight, he’s a shark. Move on to safer waters as you look for a good guy who has nothing to hide.

Once a shark, always a shark.

When a man shows that he’s a shark, make no mistake he is and will always be one. People don’t change.

Photo by Pedro Honn on Unsplash

If you’ve already been bitten by this guy, don’t go back hoping he’s seen the light and changed his ways. Even if he makes promises and says all the right things, he will eventually sink his teeth into you again when he gets hungry.

Keep believing there’s a good guy out there for you, but this guy isn’t him.

Know what you ‘re looking for.

I’m not talking about a list describing your perfect guy. I’m talking about being clear about your must-haves, what you are willing to tolerate and your deal-breakers.

If you don’t know what you’re looking for, it’s hard to know whether he’s a shark or just a bad fit. Defining what you want helps stay focused in your search.

If you know what you want, you won’t find yourself in a situation later where you are forced to compromise yourself and turn your good guy into a bad one.

For example, if you don’t want to be with a guy with young kids — don’t swipe right on the guy with young kids. Don’t be distracted by his shirtless, beach pic or impressive job title. You’ll just waste precious time better spent on finding a good fit.

Even if your list is long, stick to it and keep swimming.

Keep the Faith, He’s Out There

I believe there are good guys out there and we will find the one we’re hoping for. In the meantime, we need to steer clear of the sharks.

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Sarah Writtenhouse is a writer, tech professional, cat lover, and single mother. My favorite topics are dating, tech and random stories to warm your heart.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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