We’re taught that love is some magical thing for beautiful people who are perfect in every way, and — surprise, surprise! — life tends to work out perfectly for them. It’s always easy and frictionless, and they’re always brimming with happiness and satisfaction.
But in reality, that’s usually not the case at all. These ‘perfect’ people don’t exist, and our image of this ideal, easy-sailing relationship is just a figment of our imagination.
Relationships are complex, living creatures. They change and evolve, and if we’re not up to evolving with them, we’re going to face difficulties.
Part of the problem stems from how we, as a society, view love in today’s world. As author and coach Jay Shetty says:
“The idea of love is misunderstood and misused in the modern world. We tend to treat love like a noun, a thing, something we possess, something we achieve … or, we view it as an emotion we feel, and one we expect to feel forever.”
But none of this is accurate, and if we want to experience true satisfaction in our most important relationships, we need to change things up.
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Love is a verb, not a noun
In an episode of The Daily Jay on the Calm app, he goes on to say that love is a verb, not a noun.
It’s something you do actively and continuously, not once. Loving someone is a choice you have to make every single day.
“I like to think of love as a verb, an action you do. Love does not merely exist. You don’t ‘have it,’ and you don’t just ‘feel it.’ Love is doing. Love is behaving. Love is constant creation, moment by moment, day after day. It’s listening with compassion and attention. It’s jumping to help, even if you’re busy.… Most of all, it’s unselfish — prioritizing someone else and keeping their best interests in mind.” — Jay Shetty
Most of us know deep down that love requires some work on our part, but all too often, we get lazy and complacent in our relationships, failing to keep up with the effort love requires.
Shetty tells the story of how, when he first began dating his now-wife, they were both extra considerate and extra thoughtful, and both made a sincere effort to let each other know they were important. However, once they entered into a committed relationship, things slowly changed. They were spending more time together, but less energy on each other.
This pattern is all too common nowadays, and though I wish it weren’t, it’s certainly been the case in my own relationship too.
As couples move from dating to a long-term relationship, they tend to spend more time together, gradually falling into comfortable routines as they get used to being around the other person.
Thoughtful date nights or spontaneous weekend outings quickly turn into repetitive movie nights and popcorn on the couch.
It seems that the more time we spend together, the less effort we feel is necessary, and as a result, we end up showing our affection less and less often.
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Don’t make the mistake of doing what’s easy over what’s right
Just because it’s easier not to make an effort doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Love isn’t meant to be passive or easy.
Despite what we’re taught, love isn’t a fairy tale. It’s not all smooth sailing and clear skies. It takes work. And it’s about much more than just physical proximity.
By default, living with your partner usually guarantees that you’ll be spending more time around them, but time spent in the same house is worth very little if it’s not meaningful time. Sometimes, no matter how much time you spend with someone, if it’s not the right kind of time, it’s not going to improve your relationship.
You can sit at home and watch TV together all you want, but that’s unlikely to nourish your bond on a deeper level. Similarly, you can go out for all the fancy and extravagant Valentine’s Day dinners you want, but if, to your partner, that dinner reservation feels more like a last-minute, last-resort effort to “do what you should,” they aren’t going to feel appreciated or loved in the way they want.
That’s why occasions like Valentine’s Day can’t be the only time you put in any real effort or thought. If this one day is the only time you express your love or try to go above and beyond, it’ll end up feeling forced.
Valentine’s Day is meant to be a celebration of love, a chance to express what someone means to you, and in that sense, it’s a beautiful tradition. But don’t fall into the trap of feeling like showering your partner with flattery or gifts one day of the year is good enough — because it isn’t.
Rather than making big, romantic gestures once a year, we’d be much better off living the spirit of Valentine’s Day every single day throughout the year, because it’s often the small, everyday moments that mean the most.
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Your partner deserves more than minimal effort
We need to stop thinking that love should be easy and effortless. Loving someone is an action; it’s something you do. And you have to do it consistently and courageously.
It’s not about finding someone that you can “settle down” with, especially if you’re thinking that this means your days of putting in effort or going the extra mile are over.
Sure, you can settle into the comfort of being together, of sharing your life with someone special, and of feeling safe and supported.
But don’t settle for doing the least amount of work possible. As Shetty encourages, put in the effort to love your partner actively, “instead of letting love be a routine, or something you take for granted.”
As I listened, his words hit me square in the eyes, and I realized that this article is as much for me to hear as it is for anyone else. At times, I’ve taken this person who means so much to me for granted. I’ve let other things occupy my time and attention, instead of treating him with the significance and affection he deserves. And it needs to stop.
If you love someone, show it. Don’t just settle for saying it, and letting that be enough. Because it’s not enough.
Your partner deserves better, and so do you.
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An important question to consider today
Shetty ends the session by encouraging you to ask yourself this question:
How could you treat love as more of a verb?
It’s a great question with the power to make a world of difference in the quality of our relationships if we’re willing to put in the time it takes to consider it, and to keep it top of mind as we go about our days.
“Think of an action you could do today,” he says.
Then — and this is the key — take that action. Then do the same thing again tomorrow.
Keep thinking of new ways to treat love as a verb, and your relationship will be better and stronger than ever.
While it still won’t be a fairy tale, it’ll be real and meaningful — and that’s even better.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Ivan Cabañas on Unsplash