My friend, who I’ll call Jack, is on Match.com and obviously attracts dates—first dates, some seconds and thirds, but usually, that’s as far as it goes.
One night, after the fizzle with yet another woman, Jack shared with me his frustration about women dumping their issues at his feet. He says he doesn’t mind listening. After all, he’s a nice guy. And Jack says he doesn’t expect sex right out of the gate—but he doesn’t want to wait six months wading through someone else’s baggage. He’s sincerely confused.
I can’t be sure, but I suspect what Jack calls “carrying baggage”, these women consider revealing themselves.
Yes, some gals definitely dump too much on day one, but for most of us, it’s our way of connecting. Consciously or not, women often test the waters to see how men react when we expose our wounds, to see if we’re safe with them.
Jack keeps saying, “I’m a kind guy, but these women…” Well, first, saying you’re kind, or a gentleman is like saying you’re powerful. If you have to announce it, it makes us wonder.
Second, who gives a crap? Nice guys are a dime a dozen.
Oh, sure there are plenty of jerks. But, by a certain age, strong, successful, secure women spot the serious character flaws as easily as crooked teeth and bad grammar.
What we want to know is: If I invest my heart in this guy, will it bring me joy or pain?
It doesn’t matter if the man buys us an expensive Italian dinner, shows us his Mercedes, pulls out our chair, and opens the door. That’s just the bow on the box and we’ve been given empty boxes before.
Jack says, “But I really am a nice guy! I’m a gentleman! My mother raised me right!” I agree. Jack’s a nice guy. Still, none of it matters if the women he dates don’t feel safe, connected, cared for, and actually seen for who they are.
Plus, frankly, most of us can buy our own dinner and drinks these days. We also consider our time valuable—too valuable for cliché dates.
Where do you see yourself in five years? What’s on your bucket list? Really?
On the other hand, if we feel safe and connected, we’ll overlook a man’s income, political affiliations, less-than-ideal looks, or even mispronouncing jalapeño.
The thing Jack isn’t taking into consideration is women’s intuition and the intensity of our feelings.
We know things. We know things we don’t even know we know. Without intention, we peer beyond men’s conscious presentation. So, if a man is trying to get something from us, rather than actually get to know us, it doesn’t matter if he says and does all of what he considers to be the right things—the gentlemanly acts.
To women of quality, those actions are common courtesies. They don’t matter because we can feel your intentions. We can smell you truly caring about us as unique individuals—our struggles and desires—or your focused drive for sex.
By the way, the fact that a man might think sex is something he’s out to get from us lets us know he doesn’t get women at all. We like sex, too! If we feel connected and protected, we naturally want our bodies to be part of the expression. If we feel like you, let us into your heart, and we’ll let you into our body.
We also know (it doesn’t matter how well you do the dating game) giving our bodies isn’t the same as winning a man’s heart.
Women want men’s hearts.
So, if a man unwittingly reveals his lack of emotional availability, that’s a turn-off and therefore, he gets turned down for sex.
Some men say they don’t want a full-on relationship because they’re happy with their lives.
Well, then why not consider an escort service? Hey, it’s only offensive if one’s pretending he wants something he doesn’t.
If a man wants a beautiful woman who will do things with him on his time frame, especially sex, and then go away so he can be happy with his life…that’s not dating.
Women get that. We know. Really, we do. We get where these men are coming from. We just don’t like it.
If men can’t meet us where we are, how can we give them what they want?
We need to feel safe. We need to feel connected.
Sometimes, we don’t like that about ourselves, but most women, at one time or another, have tried giving our bodies without our hearts. That’s just not where we are now.
It’s not that we don’t long for a man’s touch. We do, as much as men wish for a woman’s. But, we want more. We believe somehow, someday, we’ll meet the right guy on our path who invites us to feel both safe enough and intrigued enough to let him seduce us, you know, like a gentleman.
So here it is, Jack. Value us. Respect us. See beyond our body. See into us. Touch us with your words, not just the polite and pretty ones, the real ones.
Listen. Let us do the same for you.
It’s not your money we’re after. We want something much more valuable. We want to connect.
I promise. Meet us at our heart. And we’ll meet you…anywhere.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
Photo credit: Getty Images