My very favorite movie of 2019 is Writer and Director Noah Baumbach’s “Marriage Story” starring Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver. I think it’s one of the Best Movies of 2019. Scarlett and Adam are so very powerful in their humanity.
Not so ironically in “Marriage Story”, Nicole and Charlie, played by Scarlett and Adam, are getting divorced, mired in great personal suffering. In the cathartic narrative arc, Charlie and Nicole vehemently argue. Nicole feels marginalized in their relationship. She tells him that she hates him, and is no longer in love with him.
Enraged in tears, Charlie screams, “Every day I wake up and I hope you’re dead!” He rants more vile ugliness upon Nicole. Then he literally drops to his knees, crying. Nicole gently places her hand on his head. Charlie sobs, “I’m sorry!” I cried in the theater, too.
That feeling was all too familiar. As much as Adam’s Charlie was angry, I got that he was more terrified inside. He was so afraid that he had lost the great love of his life – Nicole. And he was powerless to do anything about it. His tremendous anger really covered his great fear. Just saying.
Growing up as I did, I used that same angry veneer. When Dad yelled at me for something I had no idea about, that terrified the hell out of me. But being afraid in my mind was, “I’m weak, now too.” So I’d lash out in anger at my mom because I couldn’t do the same at my Dad. No, that was wrong, even being 8 years old. My anger covered really being so afraid. There can be no peace.
Over the years as a boy, I watched my Dad yell in anger at my Mom, as well. Watching that was truly frightening, that scared my very soul. I was a boy. I was small. I couldn’t do anything if the anger escalated.
Then working with my therapist Lance, I looked back at those raging encounters. Yes, my Dad was angry on the verge of violence. Yet, what really was the deal: Dad was scared to his soul. Even in his best intentions, he didn’t know what to do as Father. He didn’t know what to do as a Husband. Dad really had no peace. I had great compassion for that. I had compassion for Dad.
When I first started working with Lance, he asked me to find a ‘safe place’ in my past where I could go to in my mind, when I felt afraid. After some thought, I picked the memory of looking out of my Grandparents’ window back in Hilo, HI. That kind of worked. It was temporal in existence. Yet, it was the necessary ‘baby step’.
As an outcome of my transformational work with my Sensei Jerome, I accepted my Dad for who he was, which was actually a lot. We’d spend a week in July fishing for salmon on the Kenai River in Alaska. For the next 17 years, until Dad passed away, I’d spend time fishing and talking with Dad for a week. Something, I had never done in the previous 45 years.
I got profoundly: Kenai was Dad’s safe place, his safe space. He didn’t fear that he might do something wrong. In fact, Dad was the Sockeye Salmon Fishing Sensei. Literally, people from around the country would book vacations at the Fishing Lodge to fish red salmon with him. Everyone at the Fishing Lodge was like family. They loved Dad, unconditionally. This was his greater-than version. Not the version I knew when I was 8 years old. Bottom line: Dad was free to just be himself. He didn’t have that freedom at home in Hawaii. He was at peace. I got that.
In my eulogy for Dad, I said, “I hope that Dad was fishing at his favorite spot on the Kenai River that he was at peace.” Amen.
I try to be as authentic as I can be. If I’m afraid, I’ll be afraid. When I’m angry, I try to let it go. Really, my safe space is Aikido, is writing. My love for Aikido comes from Sensei Dan, who was a Father to me. Ironically, Aikido is not so safe in terms of injury. It’s a martial art. We throw and get thrown around. Yet, whatever aches and pain that come with the practice, it’s worth it. Time is certainly undefeated, yet I continue working on my next greater-than version. I do that for Sensei. I do that for me. That gives me peace.
The same goes for my writing. I’m afforded a certain platform for my voice in the world. I’m grateful for that privilege. Like in Aikido, I try to be as authentic as I can be in writing. Unlike Aikido, writing hurts a lot less. Just saying.
Years ago, Sensei Bobby spoke some profound wisdom. He told me that it’s our job is to make sure students get the Aikido techniques more quickly than we did. Amen. Amen.
So I hope in my writing that people get the value of loving and forgiving themselves a lot quicker than I have. It’s been my 50-year journey on the road less traveled. My sincere wish is that we all stop hating on ourselves, now. That people be kind to others and themselves. Forgive thine own self. Really, we all get to create our own safe space.
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