Dating Success: It’s Not Your Standards; It’s What You Accept

Many women often shared how they had endless dates leading nowhere, or how a lot of men seemed inconsistent and emotionally unavailable.

These women do have standards. And yet, they often end up in less than ideal situations, simply because they stay too long, even if signs of incompatibility were shown.

But why is it so hard to break away from this kind of situation?

How I navigated through dating apps

I matched with many men who either didn’t know how to sustain a reciprocal conversation or transitioned into a planned date.

Some men would say they’d like to have a call later but never showed up, without any warning.

Some men would have brief text messages but never really asked or reciprocated questions, leaving the ball too often on my court.

With some men, it felt like I had an occasional pen pal for exchanging daily reports.

Being a single mother with a child to coparent, I’ve always been very intentional when I used dating apps.

With men who didn’t seem to align, I would let them go.

The only time I lowered my standards, by agreeing to meet a man without properly clear photos of himself, I met a man who tried to use pick-up techniques on me, which included uncomfortably testing my boundaries through excess touchiness and even backhanded comments (negging).

Why women get stuck with inconsistency and emotional unavailability

For many women, a man’s inconsistency and uncertainty often feel personal.

A woman would wonder if she’s not attractive enough or if a man just knows her better, then he would eventually fall in love with her.

Then, without realizing it, she gets caught up in mastering how to decipher his text messages, earning a PhD in attachment styles, and reading a thousand articles on how to make a man fall in love and commit.

And yet, it often is not that personal.

Many people, men or women, are simply not very intentional when it comes to dating and relationships.

They might not have a stable life and career; many of them might even be moving countries every few months. But because humans still crave connection, many would still want to meet other people even if they might not know how it would work out.

But it is never your job to decipher the mystery behind their inconsistency or confusion. It is never your job to make them a project to be fixed through your love.

I matched with countless men on dating apps. And yet, I only met with five men in total. One of them was that dubious pickup artist; two of them started a relationship with me; two of them could have resulted in a relationship too, if we had more dates.

It might sound strict to let go of someone whenever they show signs of inconsistency or incompatibility. But being truly intentional with dating and relationships is how we can finally align with truly intentional and compatible people.

Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.