Gentlemen, let’s take a quick and easy quiz, shall we?
- Q: You should hold a door for a woman. (True/False)
- Q: If your woman looks cold, offer her your jacket. (True/False)
- Q: A good man will sacrifice himself to save and protect a woman. (True/False)
If you answered TRUE to one or more of these, I have bad news for you.
According to a new study done by psychologists Jin Goh and Judith Hall of Northeastern University, gestures like the ones above mean you’re a “Benevolent Sexist.”
The study examined the social interaction of 27 pairs of American undergraduate women and men, first while playing a trivia game and then chatting together. Observers analyzed their interactions and counted non-verbal cues, such as smiles. (Yes, gentlemen, smiles. They, too, apparently indicate benevolent sexism.)
“Benevolent sexism is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing,” states Hall, “that perpetuates support for gender inequality among women at an interpersonal level,” stated Hall. “These supposed gestures of good faith may entice women to accept the status quo in society because sexism literally looks welcoming, appealing, and harmless.”
I have three words for these researchers—STOP THE MADNESS!
Benevolent sexism?
If you ask me, everything on their list of so-called “benevolent sexism” has been on my chivalry list since … forever. Along with refusing to split the bill or holding an umbrella above a woman when it rains—the list goes on and on.
However, here is some good news for researchers, vis-à-vis me. Calling women “love” or “dear” made the “benevolent sexism” list, according to the Daily Mail report published on March 10th of this year. In my book, that goes straight to the “Hostile Sexism” section.
Unless you’re ninety-four, calling any women “hun” or “sweetheart” is condescending and just plain creepy.
On the other hand, here is some good news for you, gentlemen. On any given day, I would assume that if you enjoy perusing a topless calendar, you’re a “hostile sexist,” as the same list claims. Here’s a piece of news from the real world for the researchers: since ancient times, a human body was an object of admiration and veneration.
Hell, I’ve been known to admire a few New York’s Bravest calendar spreads myself, but does that make me a sexist? I opt for “healthy sexual human being” instead.
Here is another “shocking” observation researchers made:
“Scientists found that the more hostile sexist participants were perceived as less approachable and friendly in their speech and smiled less during the interaction. In turn, those who displayed a benevolent sexism were considered more approachable, warmer, friendlier, and more likely to smile. They also used more positive emotional words and were overall more patient while waiting for a woman to answer trivia questions.”
Apparently, these researchers have just found out what we have known all along—women prefer gentlemen. What a shocker! I wonder how much it cost the university to conduct this revolutionary experiment.
Here is a dose of reality.
I consider myself a feminist. I believe in women’s equality in the workplace and at home. I believe that every woman should have financial and emotional independence.
However, I also believe that a woman should remain a woman, with all the implications that come with it—being feminine, flirtatious, womanly, and (instead of veiling it), celebrating her femininity.
Being accepted in society as an equal should never require a woman to shed her womanhood.
Worse, there is no reason to blame her femininity as being the cause of men’s sexism and cultural inequality.
“Benevolent sexism” my butt! I think a bunch of indolent miserly menfolk who just don’t know what to do with a woman if one falls into their laps coined that term. It is a lot easier to blame women’s rejection on silly “scientific” research than on lack of chivalry, or understanding of the same.
In the real world, no matter how educated and independent a woman is, it is an act of chivalry that will melt her heart—not a display of indifference.
Want to discuss the role of women in US politics with your date? Sure, go right ahead. But, hail a cab and hold a door for her first and watch how much more pleasant that conversation will be. Even the most financially independent woman will appreciate you paying for dinner. She may later wish to buy you a gift that’s worth five times more than that dinner, but a little gesture of chivalry will ensure a relationship.
“US researchers argue that while women may enjoy being showered with attention, benevolent sexism is ‘insidious’ and men who are guilty of it see women as incompetent beings who require their ‘cherished protection’.”
Who labels chivalry as “benevolent sexism?” Who decided that chivalrous men are “insidious” and see women as “incompetent?” I don’t know a single man who, when helping a woman get her luggage from an overhead bin of an airplane, is doing it because he thinks she is totally incompetent to get her own bag. He does it because his mother taught him right.
Let’s face the truth—women are usually not as physically strong as men. Are we now to label all men as sexist for merely being men?
Just imagine for a second a world where chivalry doesn’t exist. In that world, everyone fetches only for himself. Everyone speaks at the same time, no one is exempt from a bar scuffle, and revolving doors are consistently stuck as a result of men and women rushing in at the same time.
I don’t want to live in that world. I don’t want to live in the world where a mere smile gets you labeled a sexist. I don’t want to live in a world where there is no courtship or romance; a world where a man cannot present a woman with flowers without a fear of being labeled an insidious sexist.
I’m sticking with chivalry.
Gentlemen, for those of you looking for love, as well as for those of you that already found it and want to safeguard it, I recommend doing the same.
Stick with chivalry. Leave it to “scientists” to stick outlandish labels on meaningless gestures.
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This article was originally published in YourTango and The Dating Dog and is republished on Medium.
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“However, I also believe that a woman should remain a woman, with all the implications that come with it—being feminine, flirtatious, womanly, and (instead of veiling it), celebrating her femininity.” The point of feminism is to ensure that women and men shouldn’t have to be anything except what they choose. Anyone can be feminine or not. Flirtatious or not. No one “should” remain anything unless that’s what makes them happy. To encourage women to “remain” women (with all the traditional feminine characteristics) as if you somehow know what is best for every single person is an example of benevolent sexim.… Read more »
This article is kinda bogus IMO. The problem is women need to embrace their sexuality. Real men will adore this about them. Now, 1st off you gotta be yourself regardless and homogenize the parts of chivalry that you believe in. Next, when one meets the right person all these facts in this article aren’t important. Attraction and chemistry will cut through any of these studies due to when one feeling real love and or connection; it breaks all barriers. So I say quit screwing around and use your own intelligence coupled with heart. Men don’t be lead by the consensus… Read more »
Agree 100%!
Like dinosaurs, chivalry will be also extinct. As much as most don’t want it to, that’s just how it is. Methods in the post can no longer work in the present. Even if it did, it won’t last very long like marriage. Marriage will become obsolete too. Don’t try to deny stats because you’ll end up being part of it. What you tolerate persists.
Here is my issue with all this. I really don’t like how women expect men to be chilvarous towards them. I know women that just expect the man to pull in her chair, pay for the date, etc. I know women that abuse it and will just go out with guys for a free meal, with no intention from the get-go of actually wanting to be with that man. I’ll pay for a date, if she’s truly not expecting me to pay. There are some women, even some feminists that want to break free of their traditional gender roles when… Read more »
Thanks in no small part to feminism, the social contract between men and women is broken. You bargained for equality and now you have it. So in return for chivalry, what are you putting on the table? Sex is not an acceptable answer.
Eeew, super creepy perspective and pic. How about gender-neutral chivalry? Everyone offers to get the door, etc. What do you get in return, aside from the good feeling that comes from being a decent person? A civilized society. Be less creepy, guy.
Egalitarianism was exactly my point, Chris whoever-you-are. Men are not and should not be obligated to perform chivalry for women, as much as women are not obligated to perform mercy sex for men. I’m sorry you think the equivalency was poorly chosen. I also considered it might be heavy handed after I posted it but then you can’t delete these comments.
Oh, and about my pic – I would never dream of, for example, putting a reply on a woman’s comment that said “slutty pic”. Decent people, civilised society, you say?
It’s so sad that we have to write articles and books convincing people that being nice to women is OK. When I was doing research for my book, a man told me he opened a woman’s door and she slapped him! Thanks for writing this!
Ho Hum I think I’ll join the bandwagon. My dear (I’m an older white male so I get a free pass to use anachronistic-but-other-wise-offensive appelations), you are being ageist, a far more pernicious ‘ist’ than all the others. How dare you single out older men? Yep. You wrote: “However, here is some good news for researchers, vis-à-vis me. Calling women “love” or “dear” made the “benevolent sexism” list, according to the Daily Mail report published on March 10th of this year. In my book, that goes straight to the “Hostile Sexism” section. Unless you’re ninety-four, calling any women “hun” or… Read more »
Because she is a CEO and a top matchmaker *rolls eyes*
What is a “scientist”? You wonder does that title gives some individual the privilege to destroy humanity (any man loves a women is a ….. “sexist” because he perceives there is a difference between sexes)?! I guess the same logic can lead to “you are a global warming criminal because you breath out CO2″…. Are we going to continue to fund this kind of “I’d better make big noise so I can get my tenure” type of study with tax payers dollar only to be told living as a human being is a sin to the “scientist”‘s unexplainable standards….simply because… Read more »
I *LOVE* this term, and I’m gonna use it all the time, just for the hilarity. I might even get a t-shirt made. Benevolent Sexist. Hah! I always tell people I’m sexist, because I’m extremely gender biased in terms of who I’m attracted to. What ya gonna do? Also, I try to keep chivalry alive, and it’s not for stupid reasons or ulterior motives that people seem to keep coming up with. Like I’m going to open a door for a woman because I think she’ll sleep with me, or because I think she’s incapable of doing it herself. *rolls… Read more »
“I think a bunch of indolent miserly menfolk who just don’t know what to do with a woman if one falls into their laps coined that term.”
I hear the Chivalry / Benevolent Sexism argument from younger Millenial women (late teens to early twenties) more than any other source, by FAR. Which makes sense really, since they’re the first generation to grow up when those sorts of social gestures are no longer a given.
There’s no longer one standard of behavior that will please everyone; you just have to decide what feels right.
It’s known as the “no win” scenario. Feminists, please feel free to let us know when you get it all sorted out.
Treat women like human beings first. We’re people, not vaginas. And don’t expect to be treated like you’re special because you’re a man. Hold the door open for anybody because it’s the polite and decent thing to do.
And then there’s this.
http://news3lv.com/news/local/man-shot-and-killed-for-not-holding-the-door-open-for-woman