Now is an opportune time to sit back and say:
The current pandemic is one of those things, and it has undoubtedly disrupted our “normal” way of being. Humans do not like such impositions on what is familiar to them. We love the predictable. Heck, even after tough times, when things begin to go well, we don’t believe it. We find some way to explain to ourselves that it is a fluke, and it won’t last. Thus we sabotage any potential building blocks into a future of growth by our brain’s desire to bring us back to what is familiar.
Familiarity: A Play on Words
The pull towards familiarity is a concept of understated value and awareness. This unconscious process is alive and well always. If we understood how we were operating in it, it would go along way towards understanding how we can do better in our circumstances. For instance, when good things happen to us, we tend to write it off as luck. Because we were unconsciously living our lives, we didn’t realize that we took specific actions that may have contributed to a new result.
As I see it thought, familiarity can be understood in a couple of different ways. One way is a trap; it is the same ole, same ole, everyday rut that many of us try to coast through. We measure our comfort levels according to this baseline, and when things throw us off, we quickly scramble and fight to get back to it. It is a stagnate place to exist and does not challenge our growth. It represents a safety box that we try to stay in to maintain some sense of control.
However, another way of conceptualizing familiarity is to look at it as understanding. Understanding doesn’t just know “What is,” but goes into the “Why” it is what it is. It goes into purpose, meaning, and the essence of something. Our brains start with the “What,” and too often, especially in relationships, we stay there and die a slow death. Getting into the understanding realm of familiarity takes us deeper into a shared experience. What the Covid19 crisis is doing is removing the shroud of “What is,” and forcing us deeper into the dynamics of our relationships to explore the “Why?”
There is a loud call out there towards, “Mindful Living,” “Staying in the Present,” and “Being Conscious.” These buzz phrases do not make sense to the vast majority of people I meet because they are not aware of the dynamic of how their brain is operating.
Speaking of Dynamics
In 2017 I ran the Chicago Marathon for the first time. During my training, I began to develop Achilles tendinitis in my right heel area. It wasn’t too bad, and I experimented with different ways to treat it, eventually finishing the marathon. However, as I continued into the next year I noticed my right hamstring and some pretty significant pain in my right hip. Things were getting worse and I kept focusing on the Achilles. X-rays however, revealed my hips were causing the Achilles, not the other way around. The breakdown had been slow but devastating. I still can’t run, and I am relegated to the bike and low impact cardio, for now, living with the consequences of not tending to the dynamics of my pain.
We look at our relationship problems the same way. We tend to look at what we see on the surface. A topic of disagreement pops up, and we think that problem is the thing to solve. We know from John Gottman’s research that 69% of conflicts are not solvable in the first place. This is because the topic is merely the tip of the iceberg, while the truth in the meaning of our discomfort hides below the surface. The more we focus our energy towards trying to agree with each other denying the nature of the underlying need being expressed, the more breakdown is going to occur.
A Conscious Relationship
Being conscious or mindful in our relationship means to tune in and notice our own way of being. We are quick to see our partner’s way of being as it reflects our discomfort, but our focus stays with them and what they are doing to make us uncomfortable. We naturally follow this line of thinking, where we automatically blame the trigger. The trigger is the person place or thing in the environment that brought up our discomfort. What we do not realize is that pain was already in us. It wasn’t caused by what happened or didn’t happen. That surface level disagreement is merely bringing to the surface something I have not dealt with in my self-development.
Failure to be mindful of the nature of responses, which are steeped in our histories, leaves me and my partner in a helpless cycle of conflict that builds resentment and tears down the relationship. The unsolvable issues build up as evidence that we can’t work well together. Before we know it, we have convinced ourselves that the right thing to do is leave. All along, we were focused on the wrong thing, and we unconsciously rode the dynamics of the relationship to a crashing halt.
Relationship dynamics are these unconscious currents that exist. They are the predictable patterns of communication in a relationship. Ever feel like every fight goes the same way? These cycles self-reinforce and validate themselves if we do not take control of the oar we have been given to steer the boat with. That oar is our ability to be mindful and self-reflect. Self-Reflection is only as valuable as we are willing to be honest and take responsibility. It is at this point where we say:
All we can change is ourselves. That is true so why not get to it. To improve at a dynamic level, we will need to acknowledge our weaknesses, no matter what trauma or upbringing they were caused by, and bring them to the surface. Vulnerability is going to be crucial, and we will need to prepare for the discomfort and humility it will take to own our own frustrations even when it seems like the environment is “Causing it.”
These dynamics have always been there. You may not have been aware of them and taken personal responsibility, but they are still there. In couples therapy, it is never the case that we can’t trace the dynamics back to the beginning. They were even active during the time when things were so “blissful” between you and your partner. We just weren’t conscious until stuff became so bad that we couldn’t ignore how hurt we feel. We can start with the bad things you are experiencing on the surface now, and just like my Achilles, we can see that what you are experiencing is only a build-up or breaking point. The real issue remains hidden.
The Role of the Pandemic
The current pandemic may have disrupted your normal. You may be finding it challenging to relate outside of your standard familiar patterns. Do not make the mistake of blaming your relationship on the environmental imposition of shelter in place. The pandemic, like all stressors, is only revealing something you have not been conscious of until now, which is your relationship dynamics, and the underlying current of the river of life you have been floating down.
These dynamics produce patterns in our lives. If we can at least recognize the trends, we can begin to see how we relate in those patterns and make efforts to take ownership of our responses. In doing so, so we can start to talk about them differently, leaving my partner out as the blame for “making me feel” and beginning to talk about what our feelings say about ourselves.
The reinforcing dynamic cycles are always there. Keep the eyes of your mind open and ask yourself, “What is this feeling saying about me?” You might be surprised, haunted, or simply not want to go there. You may have a partner who is not willing to go there themselves. That’s OK. This is about controlling what I can control, and the need to be mindful and responsible for my feelings and reactions. This is an independent need that will not go away even if the relationship breaks down. Personal growth and individual responsibility are not controlled or determined by our circumstances.
As Victor Frankl points out in Man’s Search for Meaning:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms -to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances -to choose one’s own way.
So you might as well hunker down and, “Love the one your with,” and use that relationship to grow yourself. Take the time during this disrupted pandemic to evaluate and understand each other. The frustrations you are experiencing are simply the dynamics of your relationship crying out. Focusing on the circumstance equals missing out on the meaning and the chance to develop intimacy and security in your relationship and yourself.
If Frankl can find meaning from within a concentration camp, surely we can apply it to our circumstances.
. . .
If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect at, PsychologyToday, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
—
Photo credit: Pixabay