How do you know early on that the person you are dealing with might be a narcissist? Much of the time you simply don’t.
I’m often told “Oh, my ex (spouse, boss, parent, etc.) is so charming, you’d probably love them if you met them.” And you know what? That might be true. Narcissists are known for their ability to win people over at first. The mask can be very compelling, and even experts in the field can be fooled.
So how then, do you know to take care before you get entangled, when your heart and mind are still free enough to walk away? Here are a few very early warning signs, often present even before you notice any classic red flags:
ONE: Any small lie, evasion or half truth, no matter how they justify it. When we like someone or want something (such as a job or relationship) many of us tend to calibrate towards understanding and forgiveness. But, as they say about rats, where there is one lie you see, there will generally be many more you don’t. Any small deception, even when understandable and forgivable, should put you in caution mode. (In my case, I found out on the second date that the X lied about his age, but I did not take this as the caution sign it was.)
TWO: Too much information and/or vulnerability. This one is tough, because, for open and authentic people, it can simply feel like you’ve met someone who is willing to be real. But I recommend noting it as a possible early warning sign. Even deeply authentic people understand that trust in relationships is not automatic, but rather, something that builds over time. On the first date with the X, he told me “everything” about his difficult past and even his current financial situation. Again, it caught my attention as being a bit too much, but didn’t, unfortunately, slow me down.
THREE: Something about them catches your attention negatively. This one is perhaps the most important and most helpful. Pay attention to what grabs your attention in even a slightly negative way. Your intuition may be picking up on something that isn’t blatant enough for your conscious mind to make sense of (yet). In my own case, the X fixated a bit on the fact that I bought my own coffee before I sat down with him on our first date. To me, this wasn’t even worth mentioning, but it stuck with me that he was a tiny bit put out. It wasn’t a great big red flag in my face, but maybe it was a very small one fluttering just in the corner of my eye.
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The bottom line for me is that while a) you don’t know for sure if someone is ok or not, b) it’s critical to pay attention to what grabs your attention. This could be a lie, overly sharing, a small unkindness, a bit of bragging, a bit of being a victim, or something as small as who paid for coffee. And if something does, it may not be the reason that you don’t go forward, but it should be the reason you slow down. Don’t get physical with them right away, don’t say yes to the job or investment, don’t go forward in any significant way. Just take it as a sign to be a bit more careful in terms of waiting to see how things unfold.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStock
