Our emotional state is highly related to a successful career, less stress, and more confidence, starting with attachment theory. Unfortunately, with previous generations lacking knowledge and information, we were raised to believe that we have to be independent and that we don’t need anyone to be successful.
According to attachment theory, this is fundamentally wrong. This misconception makes people insecure, which is the primary reason for unhappiness and stress in relationships.
What is attachment theory?
Consider that: As babies, we are frightened and seek proximity from our primary caregiver to receive comfort and care. Consequently, when our caregivers respond quickly and consistently, we learn to depend on them, which is the vital foundation for attachment.
But when our caregivers are either absent, unresponsive, or inconsistent, we are left to cry on our own, creating defense mechanisms and learning that we can’t depend on our loved ones when we are sad.
Attachment is the first way we learn to organize our feelings and actions, by looking to the person who provides us with care and comfort. A healthy or secure attachment bond is the foundation that lets us, as children, explore the world while knowing that we have a safe nest to return to.
In other words, knowing that we have a person who is there for us and responds to us when we need it is directly related to our confidence, happiness, and power to explore on our own.
Equally, by feeling safe in a relationship, we have the conviction to express ourselves, the security to explore new concepts, and the ability to build successful careers.
We don’t preoccupy our minds or waste our mental energy trying to satisfy or make our partner respond to us. We know they are there.
The art of choosing a great partner
While we can’t change our parents and upbringing, we can change our attachment styles and always choose healthy, secure, and responsive partners.
To be a successful human being who vibrates confidence and thrives under healthy self-esteem, it is vital to have a rewarding relationship and a responsive partner who believes in us and supports us every step of the way.
And no, we don’t need anyone who makes us try a lot, questions our worth, or doesn’t respect or understand our needs. While relationships are complex and everybody deserves second chances, there are some undeniable signs it’s time to quit someone for good.
1) The relationship brings you more pain than joy.
There is no human relationship without ups and downs. There will be times when you‘ll struggle, fight, lose control, and try to dominate your partner. Nobody is perfect; neither is you.
However, when pain and sadness are the predominant feelings in your relationship, there’s definitely a red flag. Not being happy while you‘re with someone is one thing, but being in pain while in a relationship?
There’s no more glaring reason to let someone go.
2) You persistently reminisce about the past rather than focus on the present.
You reflect on the past with bittersweet nostalgia when the right person is next to you. You‘re grateful for the things that brought you where you are now, yet equally excited for anything happening and everything that the future holds.
However, something starts to be off when you keep thinking about your past in a way that you can’t be mindful or grateful for the present.
Whether your past contains your ex, an old version of you, or all the ways the relationship used to be, there’s a warning bell ringing that something is missing.
3) You hope that they will change in the future.
“Maybe they ‘ll change.”
Having false hopes that someone will change -which is entirely out of your power or will- is the stronger illusion you can hold.
Only things you can control can change to fit your expectations. Believe it or not, you have zero control over other people.
4) You continuously feel you are not enough.
No matter the effort you put into pleasing them -you feel unappreciated, undervalued, and unloved.
The worst part is that you know you deserve better, but you keep throwing pieces of yourself, hoping they‘ll see your worth and expecting their validation.
A recognition that never comes, of course.
5) When the same issues constantly occur, no matter the times you address them.
You finally found the courage to speak up about your feelings, needs, or problems. However, there have been zero improvements, which fundamentally means two things:
Your partner doesn’t understand or value the importance of your problems.
Your partner doesn’t care enough to fix them.
Either way, there’s a red flag.
6) Your needs and feelings are repeatedly unmet and invalidated.
“You ‘re being too sensitive.”
“You ‘re asking too much.”
“You ‘re exaggerating.”
“You ‘re making a drama.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Do these sentences ring a bell?
The above expressions are among the most common gaslighting phrases, and gaslighting is a type of covert emotional abuse and a sign of narcissism.
7) You don’t have the confidence to express your thoughts freely.
“Maybe I‘ll scare them away,” you think, and you keep hiding your thoughts and emotions deep inside you. Lacking the confidence to be your authentic self while in a relationship is seriously wrong and shouldn’t be overlooked.
Not letting yourself shine within its authenticity is a pity, especially when there are people on this planet who will love and appreciate your thoughts precisely as they are expressed.
8) When you keep justifying their actions to yourself.
“Yes, I’m too much.”
“It’s definitely my fault that they are reacting like that.”
“I ‘ve neglected them; that’s why they cheated.”.
They somehow convinced you that it’s you making them do/speak/react in a specific way, and you keep taking the blame, again and again, for actions that had nothing to do with you but still only harmed you.
Valuing ourselves enough to ban abusive and toxic patterns from our personal life is gold. Yet, it is equally challenging, especially when we are insecurely attached.
We all must take the essential step to dig deep into our emotional world, uncover our attachment styles, understand our needs and priorities, and commit daily to growing ourselves mentally and emotionally.
It is hard, but it’s equally worthy. That, I can promise.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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