Facing Betrayal in Love: Divorce Won’t Really Relieve the Pain

Many people choose to divorce when they face betrayal in their relationship because they can’t handle the pain and suffering. But the truth is, divorce doesn’t really relieve the pain. In reality, many people are worse off after divorce.

Why is that? There are many layers to this problem.

First, experiencing betrayal in a relationship means you’ve suffered emotional and psychological damage. Healing from that damage has nothing to do with divorce.

The deepest wound in a relationship is betrayal. Betrayal leaves deep emotional and psychological scars that often take a long time to heal.

So after experiencing betrayal, don’t focus on whether or not to get divorced, or whether to forgive the other person, or to try to fix the relationship. These are all secondary issues. The most important thing is to heal yourself first.

After experiencing betrayal, your emotions and mood will be affected for a while. You’ll be caught in a whirlwind of emotions. To others, you might seem “abnormal.” But this is a normal reaction, a stress response to being hurt — just like getting sick, feeling bad, and being lethargic.

The cure isn’t divorce, but learning to control and manage your emotions through your own perseverance and effort. Get through this emotional stress period. Once your situation stabilizes, then you can decide what to do about your relationship and marriage.

Everyone knows the story of the Abbess. She must have suffered some kind of emotional trauma to despise and hate men so much her whole life. It means her wounds never healed.

Second, trying to solve pain with divorce often leads to even more pain. Because divorce presents more problems than staying in the marriage.

Divorce is never easy. Never mind the fact that divorce itself is a complex process. Even if you can solve these problems, you need to consider whether you can manage on your own after divorce.

Many people can’t handle the pain and think they’ll feel better after divorce. This isn’t true. In fact, if you don’t have enough courage and strength, you’ll be worse off after divorce.

Those who are better off after divorce have at least four qualities:

They see divorce as a new beginning, a choice they make for themselves, not just a way to escape their current pain.
They let go of the relationship and the other person completely. They won’t be swayed by the other person’s attitude.
They are fully aware of the problems and difficulties they’ll face with divorce and are capable of handling them.
They have a plan for how to start a new life after divorce, and they are optimistic and confident about their future.

Most importantly, if they choose divorce, they will never regret their decision, no matter how their life turns out. They will never have the slightest desire to go back.

Finally, experiencing betrayal in a relationship means your life has changed. No matter what choice you make, you’ll have new lessons to learn. Divorce isn’t the lesson, it’s just the choice you make after you’ve learned the lessons.

When you experience betrayal in a relationship, you must realize that your peaceful life has been completely shattered. Life is no longer perfect. You have to accept this and take responsibility for it. You have to solve the problem yourself.

Whether you choose to continue or end the relationship, you’ll have lessons to learn. Because no matter what choice you make, you’ll have to bear some unbearable parts. You’ll have to break out of your old self. This process isn’t clear from the start. You’ll find your way out slowly as you keep searching. You’ll complete these lessons. And after you’ve completed these lessons, you’ll naturally make a choice.

The typical process for many people is:

(1) First, they try to salvage the relationship. If they can, the marriage continues. If they can’t, they consider divorce.

(2) If they can get divorced, they choose to. If they can’t, they choose to make the best of their marriage.

These processes deal with different lessons. For example, if you want to win back your partner and continue the marriage, you have to learn to forgive and let go of the past. If you want to get divorced, you have to solve all the problems that come with divorce. If you want to make the best of an unhappy marriage, you have to learn to be independent, strong, and have the ability to comfort yourself.

Ultimately, the path you choose depends on your personality, your views on love, and so on. You’ll find your true self as you keep searching.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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