In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei showed how to do ryu-katate iriminage, clothesline technique to the attacker’s head when they grab my wrist with both hands. When the attacker grabs my wrist, I look in the direction I want to move. I turn 270 degrees in that direction. I don’t oppose the attack. Don’t defend. I make the attacker defend, make them follow me. Make them off balance.
In that position, I turn 180 degrees in the opposite direction, making the attacker follow me, again. I don’t oppose the attack. There is no fight. I apply ikkyo (wristlock) to myself and let the attacker move into iriminage. I make them apply the technique to themselves. The attacker can take the fall or gets hit in the face. They choose. This is practice. So, they choose to take the fall.
After his precise instructions, Sensei smiled. He said, “You’re going to have to figure it out.” Truth. What works for Sensei doesn’t necessarily work for me. I have to figure it out. Figure out how do I make the technique work with any attacker. Sensei and I are different in size and strength. Still, I have to throw with my feeling out, throw from my strength inside, from my one point, ki. The late Mizukami Sensei taught us, “It’s one time.”
In Aikido, I wait it out when the bigger stronger man attacks. I enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time. I hold my position. Make my timing. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. I end the attack. That’s budo. That’s samurai. What Mizukami Sensei taught us.
I figure it out. I figure myself out. That’s the higher purpose of training. Bruce Lee said, “All knowledge leads to self-knowledge.” Aikido Founder O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” There’s no real opponent outside of me. It’s me against me. Perhaps, the purpose of life is to know myself, to figure myself out.
In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Second Noble Truth is the source of suffering. A lot of my suffering sources from not knowing myself. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. On the path to end suffering, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I discover myself on the path. I figure it out. I figure myself out.
My childhood trauma and depression also sourced my suffering. As a little boy, Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry with me. I was his greatest disappointment in life. I was not the son that Dad wanted.
I was not good enough for Dad, never would be. I would never to be good enough for anyone, especially me. I feared inside that I’m not good enough. I feared I never would be, too. On the path to end suffering, I figure myself out. I train in Aikido and work with my therapist Lance Miller.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I enter the attack, get under the attack. I hold my position in the danger. I apply the technique to myself, not the attacker. I work on myself, not on others. I open up. I let got my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I’m quiet inside. I find peace inside. I figure it out. I figure myself out.
In therapy with Lance Miller, I forgive Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside too, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I grant myself some grace, some kindness. I figure it out. I figure myself out.
I figure it out that I’m not what women want. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I don’t look like Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves. I’m not exactly rich. On the journey to fall madly and deeply in love with a woman, who will love me back, I figure it out. I work on being the best man, I can be. Although women have dismissed or used me, because of how I look, because I’m not good enough for them, I work on myself, not on them. That’s all I can do. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a lot to do with what goes on inside me. Do I find the great love of my life? Who knows. Lightning could strike. I figure it out. I figure myself out.
The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” I don’t have to get somewhere or be someone else. I figure it out. I figure myself out. I do what I have to and give up what I need to be the greatest man I can be. That won’t be the greatest. Still, that’s good enough for me. I figure it out. I figure myself out.
