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“Like a sculptor, if necessary,
carve a friend out of stone.
Realize that your inner sight is blind
and try to see a treasure in everyone.”― Rumi
I was twenty-two when I began working at Leo Burnett, a prestigious advertising agency located in Chicago, Illinois. I was in the account executive training program with fifty or so other new college graduates from around the country. During one of our training session, a senior executive then stated what now seems fairly obvious:
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
I now look back on that statement as a profound truth because there is something inside men that wants to fix things, even when they are not broken. Let’s call that certain something that lives inside of you and me, The Fixer, a unique aspect of ourselves that we can use to our benefit or detriment.
Men Like to Fix Stuff!
Let me tell you about The Fixer and see if you can relate. The Fixer is a determined fellow. No matter what, he wants to fix. The Fixer loves a good problem. The harder the problem, the happier The Fixer! Without a problem, The Fixer tends to fade into the background. However, make no mistake; The Fixer is not going to give up. If there is no problem, The Fixer will more often than not create a problem just to keep himself occupied. One target on which The Fixer places a big bull’s-eye women. Many men have a strong desire to fix their woman in a misguided attempt to make their own lives better. What can we learn from this?
#1 – Don’t Try to Fix Her.
The pertinent question here is – Why does she have to be anything different than she is? She is not broken, so why do you want to fix her? I suggest that if you are trying to fix your woman, you have not fully settled into your masculine core. Whatever dissatisfaction you are feeling about your woman is your dissatisfaction. Rather than trying to fix something that is already complete and whole, begin to work on that part of you that doesn’t feel complete and whole, with or without a woman.
#2 – Accept the Truth: SHE is Not Going to Change No Matter What You Do.
You have got to surrender to the truth.
And in that moment of realization, you may choose your woman exactly as she is. This was my experience. It was like a breath of fresh air.
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Don’t expect your woman to change. She won’t. This expectation is a sure formula for thwarted feelings and frustration. She isn’t broken. And she doesn’t deserve your judgment or condemnation. She certainly does not deserve the self-righteous feeling coming from you that she isn’t good enough as she is. It is time to be responsible for your own feelings of self-worth, and stop projecting them upon the world and specifically upon your intimate partner.
I realize I have said the same thing three times now. The reason I do is no one believes it. Guys think they can change a woman. It’s a subtle form of masculine insanity. I know men that have been with the same woman for ten to fifteen years, pecking at their own chests, suffering while waiting for their women to change. At some point, the suffering becomes so great that a stark realization takes hold. “Why am I doing this to myself?” “She isn’t going to change.” And in that moment of realization, you may choose your woman exactly as she is. This was my experience. It was like a breath of fresh air. Once I made the choice to accept a woman as is, she transformed as if by miracle. But in “reality” she didn’t change. I changed. And in that moment, the whole world changed as well.
#3 – She is Your Mirror.
Another paradigm to embrace is this: Your woman is challenging you, reflecting your deepest truths and wounds, and whether you realize it or not, you want and need the internal growth she fosters in you. Painful? Sure. You get angry? Of course. But ultimately, you chose each other for just that reason. The relationship serves you both by exposing those dark issues of yourselves you may never have seen without sharing a life together. Out of the darkness comes those crystalline moments of clarity and bliss and transformation.
#4 – Look Within, and that Will Transform how You Experience Her.
A man who is fully settled into his masculine essence realizes that his woman, among many things, is in part a brilliant reflection of himself. She is your mirror. And if you don’t like the image you are getting back, the answer does not lie in breaking the mirror and then trying to glue all the pieces back together. Instead, going deep within yourself is the place to put your focus. Anytime we look to external sources for our gratification, we are in trouble. We can’t change or fix most external forces. Life is loose and out of control. When it is time for your transmission to break, it will break. Time for the flu, so be it. Life throws us all kinds of curve balls. As men, we have a choice to observe and respond to what is happening all around us and marvel at the mysterious and magical nature of it all, or we can get frustrated and angry and place blame. I assert this paradigm shift is what transforms boys into men.
#5 – Every Woman is a Goddess. If You Don’t See it, It’s on YOU.
How can we expect women to blossom into their full radiance when they are being told, directly and indirectly, they aren’t good enough?
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It is a challenge to find a man who truly respects the wisdom of women. Most men, mired in the pathology of patriarchy, can’t see clearly through the darkened lens. Until a man surrenders to the power, divine connection, and creative force of a woman, and is humbled by the living goddess within the feminine form, he will hold a women as less than who she is. Social conditioning makes it so. She feels it as a dismissal.
Women living fully within their power are the most beautiful beings in creation. Only a humble man will ever experience the joy of co-creating with the feminine in a true organic partnership. How can we expect women to blossom into their full radiance when they are being told, directly and indirectly, they aren’t good enough? Constant pressuring to become a new and improved version of themselves only leads to resistance and despondency and retraction.
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Don’t look out. Look within. After many sessions of deep introspection, you may realize that The Fixer is just The Trickster in disguise. The truth is, you don’t need to be fixed either. It is all just a ruse to challenge you and keep you distracted and off purpose. The Fixer is just one of many personas of the ego. When you realize he doesn’t need to exist, you pass. When you take responsibility for your own experience, life begins to show up as a synchronistic symphony of glorious moments. You will wonder where this rich vibrant life you are feeling has been hiding all this time. And the woman who has patiently been waiting for you to appear will show up again as the goddess she has always been.
Also by Jay Cradeur
Five Books That Influenced My Life | Movies That Will Rock Your Masculine World | Am I A Good Man? 5 Questions I Ask Myself. |
Make That Weekend Getaway Unforgettable |
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Photo credit: Getty Images
There are no “Masculine Thoughts” in this article. Just thoughts from the mind of a feminist. Stop trying to portray women as superior beings and try to show both genders EQUAL respect.
What’s wrong with seeing women as superior beings? The male-dominated society we live in already view men that way. He respects and worships women the way a lot of women worship and respect men and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The answer to viewing women as inferior beings isn’t to switch to viewing them as superior beings. At best, it solves nothing and at worst, it exacerbates the problems in our society.
But you damn’ well better fix it after you’re through listening.
I challenge the whole premises for this article. Yes, I agree that most men tend to want to fix things. Unlike, for example, perpetually living with a leaking faucet that keeps them awake at night. But then again, most men are, hmmm… I wouldn’t call them lazy, but streamlined. In my experience, there are rather few men actively seeking out problems to fix. The vast majority are just happy to live and let live, as long as you let them… So, instead of repeating ad nauseum that men should stop trying to fix the problems of (and with) women. Perhaps… Read more »
I have to say that the article does seem to have a good deal of a “women as superior beings” slant to it. It assumes that all men are broken and only through the attentions of a woman, who seems to be portrayed as some sort of enlightening goddess figure, can men come to know themselves. If you were to turn that around and portray men as omnipotent god figures that define women and form the gaqteway to self knowledge, I daresay you would be tarred and feathered by every feminist in town along with the horse you rode in… Read more »
“They’re often more lost than men are.” That’s an opinion that, in my experience, has been disproven time and time again. Males are often babies that require a mommy figure to take care of them. We know who we are and we know what we want. I can’t say the same for the majority of the males I’ve encountered though I wish I could. I have, however, experienced sexism like a broken record. “If you were to turn that around and portray men as omnipotent god figures that define women and form the gateway to self-knowledge, I daresay you would… Read more »
“Most men, mired in the pathology of patriarchy,”
cite, please.
As the above statement already says, the goddess bit was too much. Especially with how many men are choosing to got MGTOW that type of description is really off putting to men. All women are not goddesses, men are not Gods either. It’s better to steer clear of such religious or omnipotent-like descriptors because it isn’t humbling. It creates ego and the facade of perfection. There are many evil women, and your article started out nice but slowly turned into “self knowledge of masculinity is the only cause of problems in relationships” which is then interpreted as everything is always… Read more »
Thank you Sincere. This article takes personal responsibility to the limit. I realize this will ruffle feathers. I present this paradigm in men’s workshops and have seen the often virulent feedback. I can only hope a few folks will take hear the message, try it on, so to speak, before dismissing it and judging it as wrong. I appreciate your words. I take all comments to heart as I prepare to write my next article. Thank you.
It’s got nothing to do with ‘personal responsibility’ at all Jay. All that ‘divine feminine’ ‘women are goddesses’ ‘women have a higher spirituality’ bull was how my ex girlfriend justified her verbal and physical abuse. You tell someone they’re ‘divine’ long enough and they start to believe it and she, and so many other women of her generation, had an entire lifetime of it. It’s made them twisted and narcissistic.
So yeah, I was blunt, maybe even rude, but I’m not gonna apologize for it. Because I don’t want another generation of boys dealing with it.
Sweetheart, you obviously have a lot of disrespect for women. I hate to say it, but the majority of males refuse to take responsibility for their actions. The patriarchal world we live in have handed everything down to its rulers (males) since the beginning of time, resulting in a privileged gender that revels in glorifying praise when it’s attributed to them but riot in the streets when the spotlight is taken away and given to the oppressed “inferior” gender responsible for bringing them into the world. Being spoiled, you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions and you abhor… Read more »
why do you find being seen as “human” so offensive, “sweetheart”?
That wasn’t personal responsibility in that 5th thought. That was putting women on a pedastal, which is probably one of the absolute worst things a man can do with a woman. And your response to 8ball kinda sounds like you are just doubling down and declaring, “If it bothers you that proves I’m right.” (which was the same mentality used to defend that masculinitysofragile campaign a week or so ago. Trying to tell men that they need to accept that women are divine is a recipe for disaster because divine is often associated with perfection. Im sure we can agree… Read more »
Some women see men as perfect (let’s be honest: the male-dominated society we live in tend to see males as perfect). Some men see women as perfect. Get over it.
Some women see men as perfect (let’s be honest: the male-dominated society we live in tend to see males as perfect). Some men see women as perfect. Get over it.
If women see men as perfect then why do so many relationship sites get so much traffic from women especially those that focus on changing men to make them better for women.
If women see men as perfect people like Dr. Nerdlove would have about 1/5 or less of his current audience size.
What’s wrong with glorifying women? Did it hurt your male pride? The way I see it, we need more males glorifying women the way they glorify themselves. That, to me, will balance the patriarchal world we live in out.
Sandy: I don’t glorify myself as a god at all, so I’m sure as hell not about to glorify women as goddesses. The solution to people having an overinflated view of themsleves is not to develop an overinflated view of others.
You can take that “all women are goddesses” crap and shove it.