If your man is hesitating on monogamy or marriage, his reasons for waiting could make him the one.
___
Unless he’s living in his mother’s basement and not taking out the trash, a man honors a substantial number of commitments in his life.
|
Before you start making assumptions about his motives, remember that monogamy is easier than serial dating.
|
The irony is that the more you doubt his love and attraction, the more insecure you appear, and the less attractive you become to him.
|
If a man wants to share his life with you but doesn’t want to burden you with his crap, doesn’t that turn you on? If it doesn’t, it should.
|
If the two of you start running together before your relationship has legs, you’re bound to fall down as soon as the road gets rough.
|
Thanks Thomas, for a very enlightening read. As a modern, educated woman with a history of driving relationships, I can understand the point of view some of the women cite. However, as the saying goes, if you keep getting the same results with the same methods, then perhaps the method needs to change. We can pretend there is no difference between the way men and women think, and accuse men with a traditional male perspective of being sexist and old school, but the reality is we are different and as much as we want to be appreciated for our beauty… Read more »
This article has truly opened my eyes. I really do see your point in this article and you have given me much comfort in continuing patience for a man who is truly deserving. Thank you for your insight!
Interesting post. I recently ended a two-year relationship with a guy for this reason… but the thing is that this article doesn’t address, is that making a decision that directly involves another person is very different to making a decision/committing to anything else. My ex is a good guy.. But when one person can’t even decide if they really want to be in the relationship it means the other person has to carry it. It’s selfish.
Thank you, Erin, for posting a thoughtful reply to this “article.” The beginning of the article starts offensively, and then it just continues, engaging a premise of the stereotype of women that is a reaction to a stereotype of men and excusing some of the most immature behaviors that a man can display. We begin with the assumption that women go out together, and the main subject of the conversation is insulting the immature men they are dating who are not adult enough to explain their needs within a relationship. I can only conjecture that the author has spent too… Read more »
Sorry, Thomas.. Erin is 100% correct. In simple terms (and if I misinterpreted your comments, Erin, please forgive me), a man should not sleep with a woman without a commitment. When a woman sleeps with a man, it creates an emotional tie to him which naturally leads to falling in love with him and wanting to marry the man you love. Note: not all women feel this way (I don’t wish to be quoted with “not all women”). If men do not wish to commit to the woman they are dating or sleeping with, then they should not expect sex.… Read more »
Why does commitment have to = marriage?
in a hypothetical situation:
– He is seeing you exclusively
– He is living with you
What are you getting extra by marriage other than the legal right to steel half his shit when it goes bad?
why are women so manic about getting married?
How in any for is marriage a need?
I don’t think women are “manic” about marriage. I just think that a lot of women like the deep sense of commitment they feel comes from marriage. No one can deny that it’s a huge commitment, and someone’s willingus to make that commitment to you is pretty special. It’s builds another dimension to their relationship..for some people – not everyone. I respect that not everyone will want to get married. It won’t be the right choice for everyone. And that choice may flux depending on where they are in their own lives. But I think the reason that alot of… Read more »
As a woman I wouldn’t necessarily enter a relationship with ‘marriage’ as a end game, that’s a big assumption. But most people who like to know after years together that their relationship is going somewhere, even if that’s just moving into the same house. If a partner consistently struggles with even those steps, that is a big red flag.
The man described in this article sounds alarmingly like a selfish, ego-driven, fear-based alcoholic. Narcissistic, too.
Tom, great and insightful piece. I think about this question every time I hear someone lament having a partner that is “a commitment-phobe” or, more commonly “AFRAID of commitment” … hmmm. It’s a tricky little turn of phrase because it pre-supposes that the ability to commit is the natural and desired want of any well-adjusted person … you wouldn’t say a non-smoker is a “cigarette-phobe” or a peaceful person is an “anger-phobe” because healthy lungs and grace are aspirational and fearing their opposites would never be judged with a label. And therein is the problem. We often take for granted… Read more »
Maybe some have “noble” reasons for not committing but is it’s really irrelevant. It’s like asking someone to wait for them while they finish their prison term then they’ll marry you. It’s very selfish. Sort out your life, once you have done what you have to do, then come back and pursue her if she’s still available. You may feel like a nice guy but you’re stringing her along, that’s problematic behaviour. If you need to her to prove herself worthy for x months/years, you should let her go and meet someone who can appreciate her worth immediately and can… Read more »
Lee, A man who openly says I can’t be monogamous, and I won’t marry you is not asking for anything. He’s saying this is the extent of what I can give you—take me or leave me. If a woman decides to stay and is frustrated, she’s responsible for her own emotions stemming from that decision. If a man—or any partner—strings someone along with false promises of commitment and/or marriage and always has another excuse for not making good on them, that’s a wholly different situation. It’s still the responsibility of the partner who wants something different from that to leave.
Thomas
I disagree .
The man ask for a lot !
He wants something be sure of that,but he wants to get it without having any responsibility .
You miss something important here Thomas, it is like you have a blind spot. NO offence ,
Okay Thomas, so you want women to believe that the majority of men have “hot” and “sexy” reasons when they are either unsure if they should commit to us or they don’t want to commit to us at all. This onto itself, is a strange premise. Why do you want to convince women to find men’s reasons for not committing to them as “sexy” to begin with? I’m not saying a guy is a ‘bad’ guy if he doesn’t want to commit to me or is unsure about wanting to commit, but it hurts. It’s a form of rejection. I… Read more »
exactly Erin!!
Erin, My goal in writing this post was not to convince women of anything, and I respect the fact that your experience in relationships with men differs from what I’ve presented here. I do hope, however, to open the eyes of both men and women to some of the real dynamics at work when a man isn’t ready to commit, and to alert people that it’s not always the stereotypical reasons, such as commitment-phobia, that everyone assumes to be the case.
Thomas, in all sincerity, in what way have my relationships with men differed from what you presented here? Maybe you see something I don’t? Because I think I’m exactly the kind of girl you’d like to address through your piece. The girl that’s been at that commitment crossroads. The girl who didn’t want to be a “drag” about commitment, but really wanted to know where the relationships stood and how serious he was about me. The girl who experienced first hand men’s differing attitudes toward sex vs commitment – how quick most seem to jump at the first but not… Read more »
Erin, I truly appreciate your engagement here, and I think this is a valuable discussion. But I still believe you’re truly missing my point. I am in no way saying that if a guy is a jerk and leads you on with false promises of a future or won’t talk about the future at all when you bring it up or just wants you for sex that you, as a woman, have to sleep with him or find that behavior sexy. I have no claim on your emotions or anyone else’s. I am simply saying that before a woman jumps… Read more »
Thomas, I appreciate your engagement as well – your willingness to talk about the topic you put out there. I am seriously not trying to be a jerk about this. It takes a lot of courage to put your beliefs out there when there is bound to be someone who disagrees. It’s possible I’m not getting everything you’re saying, but I don’t think you’re getting everything I’m saying either. And the fact remains, that just about every woman who responded agreed with me – so something in this discussion is not resonating with women’s experiences. I don’t think you’re telling… Read more »
“A man isn’t bad because he doesn’t want to commit to me, by trying to prove that men’s reasons for not committing to women are “sexy” and “attractive” is so freaking weird I just can’t even understand it. You aren’t sure of us or you don’t even want us but we are suppose to find these guys reasons for not wanting to commit to us as “hot”???? ”
I think there are a lot of these weird articles popping up. They seem to want to re-engineer what people find sexy. The front page is littered with them.
Thank you Thomas!! You’re right on the money.
Okay Thomas, you’re not trying to “convince women of anything”, you’re trying to “open their eyes”. What exactly is the difference? You say you’re speaking to both men and women but your article is specifically titled to speak to women and you address women through-out your piece. You’re trying to convince women that it’s “sexy” when men don’t want to commit to them or don’t know if they want to commit to them. I simply don’t even understand it. The thing is, my relationships don’t differ from what you presented here Thomas. I’m exactly the audience you are trying to… Read more »
Erin, By open women’s eyes I mean awaken them to the possibility that the man they’re with who is not ready to commit doesn’t fall into one of the common stereotypes. If people aren’t aware of alternative frames for situations, they can’t see situations through those frames. Also, I’m writing about men, their emotions, their rationale, etc. I could write a piece for women stuck in relationships with men who just want to use them, but that piece wouldn’t be about men; it would be encouraging and showing women how to find and activate their self-respect.
Thomas, but you aren’t just writing a piece about men, their feelings and their rationale. You also wrote a piece telling women how they should feel and respond to the men you talk about in your article. You clearly want women to think that most men are good men even when they don’t see her own value enough in wanting to commit to her. You want women to have feel-good emotions, even “sexy” ones, toward men who aren’t sure they want to make promises to her. You specifically say these kind of men are made even more “mate worthy” or… Read more »
Erin, I think we fundamentally disagree on the purpose and tone of the article, and on some issues about relationship dynamics as well. I write a lot about the importance self-respect and honoring one’s own values in relationships, so I’m not saying anyone should just wait around and put his or her life on hold while someone else decides. Relationships are a mutual decision, a mutual activity and bond that should be mutually supportive. My purpose, which I believe I achieved, was to take down the stereotype that men are just out there to get sex from women and don’t… Read more »
Thomas if you are not looking for a woman to prove her worthiness to these men who want to take their time in committing, then what is the point in telling her to “up her game”, “be patient” and “understanding”? You don’t even clarify what “up her game “ means even though I asked. You just tell women that’s what they should do. You don’t even talk about the element of sex or answer my questions regarding that either. You didn’t address any of my sincere questions. Look at all the women who responded so far. They all have strongly… Read more »
Erin, I have to say, I’ve read quite a few of your comments across GMP (one being to my own article) and you say some truly amazing stuff. You should certainly reformat what you’ve said here into a fully-fledged article, I think a lot of women need to hear this perspective! I’m replying out of solidarity. I’m so sick of the ‘crazy’ or ‘clingy’ tag oft thrown around when a woman is straight forward about what she desires. The fear of that tag is so ingrained that we’ll go out of our way to avoid it and bite our tongues,… Read more »
In addition, I find this article to be deeply sexist. It puts men and women into traditional gender roles while ignoring context in that society teaches women to aspire to marriage, while not teaching men the same thing.
This is wonderfully written Erin!
Perfect.
You said it all.
Thanks for the support SIlke.
Erin,
You are soo right on! I’ve tried to be the cool girl while denying my own needs, many many times. It never worked out. A few woke up, after I left, but I moved on emotionally and couldn’t turn back.
Anyways, I very much appreciate your response to this article. It was empowering to woman.
Thanks
You rock Erin!
@Erin ..Awesome reply, exactly what I was thinking. And really, there’s no difference between men and women here. I was in a relationship for 3 years and ran from any kind of serious commitment, because, if I’m really honest with myself, I simply didn’t want to marry him. I never expected the relationship to last that long but he was the perfect boyfriend and I kept hoping one day I would feel that ‘forever’ level of commitment, but it never came. I’m sure this is where many men find themselves as well. They’re probably with a sweet girl who they… Read more »
Lauren, Is this man you’ve been with for 2.5 years monogamous with you? Because if he is, then it would seem he’s committed to your relationship. If he doesn’t want marriage, that could be a separate issue. Have you asked him to marry you? Or (this is a question, not an assumption), are you waiting for him to ask you? What exactly is the commitment feeling? Is it that you know or feel this person is the one and only for you, your soulmate, your missing piece? Is it simply that you feel you could be happy with a person… Read more »
Yes, he is monogamous. He seems committed to the relationship, I know he loves me, and he is amazingly sweet, caring, loving, and affectionate. He is everything I could have dreamed of. We talked about living together 6 months ago. At first he said yes, then he got scared and said we should wait, so I leased my apt for another 6 months, but have been staying at his place everyday to ease into the transition without doing anything super permanent. You know, give us both time to “feel it out” and adjust, then decide. However, here we are 6… Read more »
Lauren, Thank you for sharing those details. I would say at this point the decision is yours. If you’ve said you want marriage and a family and he has said (directly or by not answering you) that he prefers a committed, unmarried, childless relationship, you can decide to leave. That’s not an easy decision, but it’s your decision to make. I would, however, try to get to the heart of what you call his “indecisiveness.” Can he or can the two of you together provide for the needs of a family, or would that be a stretch? Does he feel… Read more »
YES! Thank you, Erin. Nothing “sexy” about a guy not wanting to commit. I’ve been in a relationship for over 4 years and my boyfriend still has a hard time even talking about marriage. Does that turn me on and make me find him sexy? Not at all. It makes me wonder if I’m wasting my time and should leave. I feel like after 4 years, you should have an inkling if this is someone you could spend the rest of your life with or not. The fact that he doesn’t even like to talk about it truly scares me.
Ashley, not even wanting to talk about it with you is a huge red flag. Especially if you two have been going out for 4 years and he knows it’s something you are looking for. By not at least talking about it, he’s finding a way to ignore what you may need in the relationship.
Ashley
I think it matters how old the two of you are. Are you 20,30,40+….
Women have a short time span to have babies,and men have a life time so they have all the time in the world and are in no hurry.
Silke,
Also that most women are more or less conditioned since birth to above all WANT to have a marriage and babies.
No FlyingKal., not all women want to be married, but educated women know that the law at least in my country give her more protection than if she choose to live with a man,have children but not marry.
In fact I feel insulted by your comment that invalidate that women that want children with the man they love. Or invalidate any woman that wants children.
I feel invalidated by comments like this and think it is a normal natural thing to want children .
And in case you do not know it : Sex produce babies.
“Most” does not mean “all.”
And not even most instances of sex lead to a baby.
Silke,
I was merely pointing out that more women than men (probably) have a mental preparation for entering parenthood in their 20’s and 30’s, as they (still “more”, not “all”!) spend more time contemplating it in younger ages.
Not everything men do have a deliberate malign intent towards women, but if you want to feel insulted by that, by all means go ahead…
“And in case you do not know it : Sex produce babies.”
And imagine, just the other day you took offence at me expecting a lecturing from you…!
Erin,
You said it so well!
Thanks Robin!
Thank you so much for writing this, Erin. I’m female and agree entirely with the issues you raise about the main article.
Outstanding article and so true! I walked away from my last 2 girlfriends for all the reasons you name here – and some of the sex was mind-blowing and stayed longer than I should have because of this. But still knew I had to walk away because we didn’t share values and I knew this women would not be a healthy mother or life partner. If you know you want to be a father then the responsibility and maturity goes even higher. Children are a choice based out of love, not some thing you just have to fill your own… Read more »
Ian, Thanks for sharing your experience and validating the points I’ve made here.