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Sean decided he was going to die, and it was as simple as that. He walked away from the three-piece suits and the mahogany office and the stockpiled decades of goodwill and hard-earned reputation. His comfortable retirement was assured, and he seemed equally comfortable with the notion of disappearing into obscurity. He moved to a posh community after leaving his job last year but spent his final two months in a cheap motel down the road. The muscular body he so proudly honed was almost skeletal when I saw him last – just three months ago. When he moved to that motel, he left everything behind at his apartment, not caring for the treasures he once was so proud of. But he did go back for one thing – his beloved black lab Saba.
Those lost weeks at the motel ended when he was found dead in his room. And a skinny, hungry and bedraggled Saba was by his side.
The news of his death washed over me like an emotional drowning. There was no goodbye, no note—only a sudden nothing. The love of our friendship just withered into dust and blew away, as if it never existed. I was left looking for a remnant—a picture, a text thread, anything—savoring them as if they were proof he wasn’t completely dead. But he was. He left no close family behind except for Saba, and I knew I had to find her. If Sean could pack his remaining love in any mortal package for safekeeping, it would be in Saba.
At the memorial service, I connected with his friends. We hugged until our internal timers signaled awkward hug—then continued hugging anyways. I asked one of them about Saba. He said that he had heard that Saba was in good temporary hands with a neighbor but did not know what the plans were after that.
Saba was a big part of my memories with Sean. When I would visit Sean, Saba would rush out with unrestrained joy. She would jump all over me, then grab my sleeve in her mouth and proceed to drag me to the door as if to tell Sean, “We’re keeping this one. Right, daddy?” Sean would laugh, telling me she did that for almost no-one else.
Out came Saba. When she saw me, she ran right across the big green lawn towards me in a beeline, jumped on me and almost bowled me over.
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Sean told me how Saba slept right in the bed with him, and how she would often accompany him to work, sitting quietly in his office much to the joy of most everyone who stopped in to see him. The connection between Sean and Saba was tight enough to perhaps even transcend death, but the thought of him lying motionless, unresponsive and cold next to her was heartbreaking. I couldn’t fix his death. In fact, I did not even understand it. I could not make right what went so wrong in those last months. But I could find Saba. I could show her someone she once picked for herself—that she was still loved. If I comforted her, then just maybe Sean would smile, wherever he was.
While I was speaking to others at the memorial reception, the friend with whom I spoke with about Saba tapped my shoulder and asked me to follow him. We left the building and walked a couple of blocks to an apartment. He then he got on his cell phone and said, “OK – let her out.”
Out came Saba. When she saw me, she ran right across the big green lawn towards me in a beeline, jumped on me and almost bowled me over. She was in need of grooming. Her eyes were a bit puffy and I momentarily indulged the puerile notion that it was because she had been crying. But she was all there. Saba. She grabbed my sleeve but then released it – perhaps because she did not know where to take me. Both Saba and I were trying to figure out where to go in a world without Sean.
“She will be living with someone who is away this weekend,” her temporary owner told me, adding that Saba’s new owner loved her and that the affection seemed mutual. I told her that if Saba’s new arrangements did not work out, I would be happy to be considered a standby. I would not have Saba. But I would be her guardian angel.
I gave Saba one last hug and whispered to her that she would be alright. And as I did, I sensed a warmth inside me, as if I was feeling a smile deep in my soul. I wrapped my arms around Saba, my hands over her chest. And I felt Sean’s heart beating.
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