Getting Out of Getting Defensive

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Conversations about gender can often make people defensive. And by “people” I include myself along with those who identify as progressive, conservative, or otherwise. Our ideas of gender go deep and they are pretty firmly held.

In order to have a productive conversation with someone, the key is not to avoid conflict but to move through the personal defenses that come up for us and whoever we’re talking to. First, we need to become aware of those defenses. Next, we need to calm them to be present with the person we disagree with.

Defenses & Defensiveness

In psychology, we refer to several of the different ways people manage difficult emotions as Defenses.

Two examples are:

Intellectualizing—keeping negative feelings at bay by becoming hyper-logical (this is a go-to defense for me, by the way.)
Displacement—having a (usually) negative feeling toward someone but expressing it toward someone else more “acceptable” (i.e., not yelling at your boss for being an idiot but taking your anger out on your dog when you get home.)

There are a bunch of others but what they have in common is that they serve to help us avoid anxiety and some of the uncomfortable feelings that are activated during times of vulnerability.

Don’t believe me? Take some time to watch people disagreeing and you can often see the moment that a defense pops up—you don’t even have to be aware of all the defined defensives, but you can see when people are trying to manage their emotions in a way that is cutting them off from really engaging with the other person. Want to see this heightened? Come watch my family (or yours, most likely.)

I’m not saying there’s not a place for defenses. For us to let them down we need to trust that we’re in a place where we can become vulnerable and emotional. But when our goal is to really understand someone else’s point of view as well as to better clarify our own, it’s important to not let our defenses get in the way.

Knowing Your Defenses

Knowing your triggers is a staple of many types of counseling and therapies:

What sets us off and makes us angry?
What activates a trauma response?

Those are important—and very helpful—to know, but we’re looking at what lets you know that your defenses are going up, no matter what the trigger is.

So, let’s reflect on what happens to you when you get defensive. If you can, close your eyes and think of the last time that you got really defensive about something. Maybe you were in an argument about politics, religion, gender issues. A time when you were in conflict with someone and what started out as a discussion morphed into…something else. I’m going to talk about some common ones, but everyone has their own.

First, think physically. What happens to your body during these times?

heart beats faster
face gets hotter
fists start to clench up
head hurts
stomach scrunches up
sweating starts
tears begin to well up

Emotionally what gets stirred up?

anger starts to rise,
helplessness,
feeling cornered,
defenseless (hmm, that’s interesting)
vulnerable

Intellectually?

Forgetting just about every statistic and talking point you had regarding your argument
Words start to sputter

None of these states—physically, emotionally, or intellectually—are optimal for engaging or relating with someone else, especially if you want to maintain and develop a closer relationship with them. Plus a decline into these states during a discussion can lead to shame and annoyance on your part—and often one less friend.

Ways to Manage Your Defenses

Here are a few options you have when you are aware of defensiveness rising:

Take a Break: You’re (probably) not in the middle of a live, Presidential debate so you have the freedom to say—“Hold up. I need a second,” and work to regulate yourself. Maybe that means having a sip of water, maybe it means stepping away from the person for a second (or longer). Do you know how to regulate your emotions? Use what works for you?

Say It: This would depend on how well you know the person as it’s a pretty vulnerable position to put yourself in. If you think it’s worth the risk, let them know how you’re feeling. Say something like, “Before we go on, I want to let you know that I’m getting very [angry, upset, worried, etc.] and this is difficult for me. I value you and our friendship, and I want to be able to have a discussion about this, but I don’t want it to get into personal attacks.”

Call In the Other Person: This is a version of “Say It” but it’s letting the other person know about their defenses, but in a non-defensive way. Such as: “Listen, I think this discussion is valuable, but when you say things like [X] in that way, it feels condescending. I want to make sure we’re not attacking each other. Should we take a break for a minute or so?”

End It: And sometimes you’re going to be with someone who is unwilling to modulate themselves, and sometimes you’re going to be with someone who is (or talking about a topic that is) just too emotionally charged for you. If that’s the case it’s ok to say, “You know what, we both feel really strongly about this and I’d rather talk about something else.” Now, don’t take this to mean you should just avoid this topic everywhere. If something is that triggering for you, it’s probably a good sign that you need to do some individual processing about it. Talk to others who agree with you and let them know your struggles when someone sets you off. How do they manage it? How do they keep engaging in a way that feels positive? If it goes deeper, consider talking to a counselor—not because something’s wrong with you, but because something takes over for you and gets in your way.

And don’t forget as you are learning to manage yourself in the moment that your defensiveness has something to teach you. It’s letting you know where your “growing edge” is and that it’s time to push beyond that.
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