Question: My girlfriend is such a poor planner. She’s always late to everything but gets angry when she feels rushed. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s about respecting people’s time. She says I’m just talking to her like she’s a child and people just need to be patient. Do you have a better approach to get her to understand that it’s a mutual respect thing, it’s about courtesy!
Answer: Your girlfriend certainly seems like your spiritual teacher 🙂 I say that while recognizing how frustrated you are while acknowledging that you have done your best to be an effective communicator so that the two of you can be on the same team and attend events together having courtesy and respect for people’s time.
I say spiritual teacher because if you communicate with her about being late from a place of judgment or superiority or knowing better or being right and she’s wrong… the only space she really has to respond into is rejection… so she’ll get defensive. It will take a lot for your spiritual evolution to see her with nonjudgmental unconditionally loving eyes. Yet this will give you access behind her exterior behavior of being late, to the place where the core issue lies inside.
This is one of my gifts as a coach and healer. The more self-respect, self-love, self esteem and self forgiveness work I do with myself… in other words the less I judge myself and the more I love myself unconditionally, the more I expand my capacity to see behind the scenes of why people do things. It’s almost as if I have these 3-D glasses that you wear at the movies, and I see a completely different dynamic going on.
If you take on that point of you, why do you believe your girlfriend is such a poor planner?
Why do you feel she is unable to recognize respect and courtesy of other people’s time?
Why do you think she defends telling you to stop treating her like a child and projecting it on to others who need to be more patient?
How was she brought up?
How did her parents treat her?
How grounded is she in her centered being?
How dominated or pushed has she been by a past boyfriend or husband?
I ask these questions because I’m sure she’s intelligent and yet people who are chronically late are either so spinning in their head that they can’t hear their truth or feel safe in their body and it feels like the world is against them. Or they are consciously choosing to be late as a way to assert their power or to be in control in the world where they feel out of control and disrespected and diss honored by life.
Bottom line you’d like to change this, yes?
So the first place to begin is for you to witness her with non-judgment and to have compassion and understanding that she’s doing her best given how she’s wired.
Then would be to remember you’re on the same team, not opposing teams and speak to her about how the two of you can work together.
Third I imagine there’s some inner work she is ripe for, to get to the core of why she isn’t yet able to plan effectively and courteously to be on time for events.
Fourth your job is to live in allowance not judgment of her behaviors and find a way that can work for you whether she ever changes or not.
I personally think that’s a pretty tall order, definitely a high level of spiritual evolution being invited in your relationship 🙂 I find when working with couples I’m able to disband the blame quickly and help people take responsibility for their actions in a judgment free zone. This is how people more efficiently heal on the inside and are able to shift results on the outside with more ease.
It’s important to aCknowledge, praise and be grateful for the positive movement each other is making within the relationship as trust, respect and connection is rebuilt and grown over time 🙂 if I can be of support to your relationship before the divide grows wider, I would be privileged. You can apply for a complementary strategy session at www.allanapratt.com/connect
I find patterns repeat themselves until they are consciously shifted so even if for some reason your relationship didn’t work out long-term, to know that each of you learned the lesson you were meant to from coming together, will be fulfilling in the moment and stay with you as a high return on investment for the rest of your beautiful lives 🙂
So many blessings, Allana
p.s. Gentlemen…End the Fear of Rejection.
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Ladies…Be irresistible. Feel sacred. Attract him now.
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