Census data tells us that 69% of children in the United States live in two-parent homes. That’s terrific news; however, that means greater than 30% of children do not. Since 1960, the number of children in two-parent homes has decreased from 88%. Chances are that number may continue to fluctuate over the coming years as we see children being raised in what are considered to be non-traditional homes or homes headed up by their extended family such as grandparents. Digging deeper into the family dynamic, we can begin to think about those same children and how they may be impacted by absent parents. It’s no secret that even when two parents are in the home there are occasions where the physical presence of the parent does not necessarily equate to them being fully present and involved in the parenting process.
The process of parenting can be even more complex when parents aren’t together. When parents aren’t together it is entirely possible to co-parent; yet, the courts are full of cases where parents battle out their issues over their children. Everything from differences of opinion on schools, religious preference, choice of physician, types of clothing, pick up and drop off times, use of electronics and even extracurricular activities gets brought up in court. Judges are often faced with the task of treating the parents as if they are the children. Sometimes parents don’t get along from the beginning and once the child is born things get worse.
For various reasons, there is a high incidence of absent parents in the United States. Though mainstream media would have people think absent parent issues are just in minority communities, it certainly happens in every community and the children become the casualties. Barring situations wherein abuse and or neglect come into play, most situations with co-parenting can be worked out if people understand how their power struggle can cause long-term problems for their children who often feel like they must choose one side of their DNA over the other. There are some parents who get so sick of the games, fighting and such they can’t take the heat of the battle and just walk away. Is it their coping skills that are the problem or is it their deep belief that their child would be better off if not constantly part of the tug of war between two battling parents? That answer is unique to each situation.
How can we begin to lower the number of absent parent situations? Much of it could begin with the way we parent our children and who we choose to have our children by. Recently I heard someone say “you can pick your husband, you can pick your wife, but kids can’t pick their parents so govern yourself accordingly.” One thing is for sure, a great number of us adults did not learn in our early years that love is infinite. It goes on and on and can keep growing. You can always make more. The love you have for one parent is not diminished simply because you love another one or a bonus parent (step parent) or even half or step-siblings. Where love is healthy, you can never have too much love for a child. Keep at top of mind that when the relationship ends, your value does not change and your relationship with your child is different than any other relationship they will ever have.
So let’s say, you aren’t the one with the issues. How can you help advocate for children and encourage a potential absent parent to remain engaged? The first thing is to help others learn how to pick their battles. Uncover where the battle for power is coming from so it can be addressed. So what mom and dad cook mac and cheese differently. That just gives more variety, tell them to let it go! Maybe dad thinks cell phones are ok and mom does not. There has to be a place where one can decide what makes sense to fight over and what does not. In the end, help your family members focus on the long-term goal. That goal is to raise healthy, well-balanced loving children who become adults that are whole. Fix family dysfunction NOW so it does not sprinkle down to the next generation. If your family of origin has a history of dysfunction, without proper interventions it will impact the way children in the family grow up and how they communicate with those they are in relationships with. If the relationships end, the communication issues will most likely get worse. Encourage moms and dads to stick in there even if they can’t communicate well with the other parent. Don’t be afraid to suggest counseling because the big win is for the child in the end. And remember, never feed into negativity. If you can’t be part of the solution YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!
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Photo: Pixbay Hermann