I spend many hours each week on sites like Reddit where those “Red Pill” guys say that women only want alpha males. They say you have to act like a jerk or a bad boy, or else you’re a simp. It all feels gross to me, but being nice hasn’t helped my dating life. Should I act like an alpha male?
—Randy, 23, Austin, Texas
I’d rather swallow warm Red Bull than swallow the Red Pill.
The Red Pill is a Reddit community where frustrated men go to air their loathing toward women. Bad advice flows like poison into men’s ears. It’s the epicenter of the so-called Manosphere, a network of websites that traffic in “men’s rights” rants and toxic advice on picking up women.
Let me bust a big dating myth that gets a lot of play in the Manosphere: the idea that women want to be with an alpha male. Many guys have bought into this concept. But the truth is, alpha males aren’t a thing!
When I began working on my dating life nearly 20 years ago, I went to some seminars taught by pickup artists. I remember being in a BO-drenched Las Vegas conference room, while a strutting “PUA” on-stage praised the supposed panty-dropping powers of being a dominant man.
“The alpha male gets all the tail,” he said with a Johnnie Cochran flair for rhyming.
But there’s a problem here: Alpha males literally do not exist in nature.
The idea of the alpha male first gained credence in the 1970s when wildlife biologist L. David Mech, an expert in wolves, published a book that documented the existence of alpha wolves in the wild.
Two decades later, he tried to replicate his findings, but he couldn’t. He was horrified.
It turns out, the “alpha” behavior he thought he’d observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their pups. Mech renounced his original findings, but it was too late; the myth of the alpha had cemented into conventional wisdom.
It’s also informed a lot of bad dating advice. But there’s no concrete scientific evidence for “alpha males” getting to mate with all the females—in ANY animals, including humans.
Take our close relatives the chimpanzees. Studies show that the aggressive chimp doesn’t necessarily become the group leader, and that smaller, more docile chimps become dominant by completing more feminine tasks, such as grooming other chimps. (My girlfriend likes it when I paint her toenails pink. Just saying…)
And our closest biological relatives are bonobos, apes that live in a matriarchal society. (Fun fact: Humans and bonobos are the only species that French kiss.)
It is true that traits like assertiveness, courage, and boldness are absolutely essential in dating, when used at the right time and in the right measure. Women love confident men. But the idea of the alpha male is a myth, and a troublesome one.
At worst, the alpha-male myth can make a good man see himself as a “beta male” or an inferior “simp,” crushing his confidence. The alpha construct also stifles growth and encourages guys to view women as targets to conquer, not people to connect with.
At best, the alpha-male myth leads to wearing Axe body spray, chest-bumping, and using words like “brah” and “baller.”
Your move? Drop the “alpha” mask. It doesn’t work. Yes, there are times when you must take decisive action and make a move. But studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness and generosity are the key indicators of fulfilling relationships. You just want to complement those “soft” traits with some steel—such as confident flirting and approaching, and summoning the courage to be authentic with women.
Like you, Randy, I’m a nice guy. I say “please” and “thank you.” I volunteer with blind people. I help little old ladies cross the street. I say this not to impress you but to impress upon you an elemental dating truth: Nice guys are sexier to women than 6-pack abs, as long as that niceness is complemented with true, core confidence.
Lose the “alpha” mask. To borrow a phrase from John Updike, it’s a mask that eats into the face.
***
SHOULD I GIVE UP ON LOVE?
Connell, I recently concluded that, now that I’m 50, I have failed in my love life. I have never had a relationship. I truly yearn to find love, but I have wasted 35 years and also wasted thousands of dollars on therapy, coaches, and matchmakers. Nothing has worked. I’m done. I no longer want to be a failure. I struggle with loneliness. I would like to know how I can reduce the suffering because I want to move on with my life.
—Anonymous, 50 (City Withheld)
Anonymous, my heart breaks for good men like you who struggle to find the love of a wonderful woman. Life is meant to be shared with someone special. You should not have to be lonely.
I went through similar struggles. I was largely dateless deep into my 30s. I was lonely. I remember the night I almost gave up on looking for love. I was in Miami attending a 10-day dating “boot-camp” with my coach at the time. I’d gone out for nine straight nights in South Beach, and I struggled mightily. Rejections. Anxiety. Self-judgment. Watching other guys succeed while I failed.
I wasn’t just “in my head”—I was renting a timeshare up there.
After one tough night, I was so frustrated that when I got back to my hotel, I repeatedly banged my head against the elevator wall. Thunk, thunk, thunk! (The wall won.)
On the final Saturday of the program, I told my coach, “I’m done. I’m flying home to New York. Women don’t want me. I quit.”
“Don’t give up!” he replied. “You may not realize what a great catch you are. Don’t stop now! You’re close to a breakthrough. Come out tonight and let’s work on it.” I decided to give it another try.
That night at the Fontainebleau hotel, in the final hours of the 10-day program, it happened. A breakthrough. My “Aha!” moment, at least in terms of approaching. I made some adjustments in how I was talking to women. And in the hotel’s lobby bar, it all came together. I got three numbers from three women in less than 60 minutes. Then, I met and clicked with Jackie, a bright, witty graduate student. We had instant chemistry and spent the rest of the night together.
It was a win I desperately needed. It gave me the hope and momentum to keep going out to socialize. Two months later on a rooftop lounge in New York, I met Carrie, an architect who I began dating and would soon fall for.
If I had quit that day in Miami, it would have cost me the love of my life.
If you quit now, Anonymous, it may keep you from meeting The One. I believe she’s out there, if you don’t give up and if you stay resilient.
You say that you’re done with love, but love isn’t done with you. We all need love. If you give up on finding it, you’re giving up on something that makes life worth living. Sure, you can quit, but that yearning for love won’t stop. It’s wired into you.
I don’t know you personally, but I do know men. I believe that any good-hearted guy can fix his dating problems and find love, if he stays resourceful and keeps trying new things. You may be one tweak or one date away from having your breakthrough. It only takes one woman to change your life.
There’s a famous quote from The Sun Also Rises: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”
Dating has broken you. I felt broken, too. I felt like a failure who wasn’t enough to find an amazing partner. But I now see that I wasn’t a failure. I was a hero being tested on a journey. The foes I vanquished (self-doubt and anxiety) helped me build a cathedral of confidence that I have to this day. I got stronger because of the problems, not in spite of them.
You are not a failure, unless you give up. So don’t give up! Be a hero. Be a man of action who wants something wonderful (love!) and who keeps pursuing it, with resilience and heart. You won’t only find love. You’ll also emerge on the other side as a better man, stronger at the broken places.
***
PLENTY OF FISH PHOTOS
I struggle on the apps to get matches and connect with women. Do you think it’s my photos? I have three photos of me fishing. I enjoy fishing for walleye on the ice and lake trout in the summer. But a friend said that fishing photos are overused. Any advice?
—Rob, 44, Nashville
Give those fish photos the hook, and replace them with portraits of you looking well-dressed and dashing. Think GQ, not Field and Stream.
In other words, it’s not you, Rob. It’s the halibut you’re holding.
Got a dating question for Connell? Email it to [email protected]
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men, the founder of DatingTransformation.com, and host of the Dating Transformation Podcast.
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