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I’m an Obliger. I tend to commit to others before committing to myself. I blindly knew this about myself, but it became pointedly apparent when I explored Gretchen Rubin’s new book The Four Tendencies and took the quiz. YIKES! While I wasn’t surprised, I did get woke and immediately took my quest to put my obliger tendencies to better use.
My past path was nothing less of tumultuous. Not that being an obliger immediately sets you up for a sucky life! Not at all. It simply means you never learn the value of taking care of you while simultaneously taking care of others in a healthy manner. That’s where I sucked.
Obligers tend to do, do, do for others, and forget to do for self. That was me. I started hating on others, which was a projection of not taking care of me. Ironically, I’m a Baby Boomer and I believe that most of us were taught to do for others and then take care of ourselves if there is time, resources, and energy. Whatever!
The moment I woke up to my obliger was kind of a jerk, and not just because of Gretchen’s book and insights, I realized I was playing a form of Russian Roulette with myself. Yes, unlike others, I admit I was colluding with a dangerous liaison that could have killed me.
I hid the truth that I was gay. I wouldn’t really talk about how much I hated my job. I connected to people and overextended myself in relationships just so people would like me…or so I thought.
For all the, “Gosh he’s such good guy,” and “He’s really a hard worker,” I really wanted to just shove those comments in their nether regions where the sun didn’t shine. What a joke! I was a toxic link that held these falsely crafted relationships together. All because I needed to feel loved, wanted, and paid attention to for all the wrong reasons. Call it my misbehaving Leo, or the completely misguided familial blueprint, I was an obliging mess! Up until then!
Waking up from this drunken stupor and seeing myself for who I really was, I realized I was the culprit for my obliging misery. Other people were just showing up and playing the role I had assigned them. Very few were actually taking any type of advantage of my actions, yet when I was at my worst, in my head, flinging the “screw you” at people because they didn’t respond to my obliging the way I’d hoped, I became the sinister villain, not them.
Fully embracing I was throwing shade and building an unnecessary wall in my own life, I took a step back and figured out my true purpose for living was to find a way to get myself out of this hell of over obliging, and to then share what I learned with others who’ve contracted the disease to help them also heal.
My first lesson I taught myself self is that I was worthy of being liked and loved without giving away my soul, and my own sanity. People will either like you or not like you because of how you show up. However, showing up under false pretenses doesn’t make for a real relationship, so show up authentically without the bullshit, and people who like people who show up authentically without the bullshit will show up in your life.
The second lesson on the curriculum was to learn the value of committing to myself so that I could stop feeling like I give and give and give and give to everyone else with no reserve left for me. Now that doesn’t mean, only take care of me. On the contrary. Instead, I’ve learned to walk the balance beam of me and them. We are one in the same and I deserve to take care of me as much as I take care of others. When I start leaning too far left or right, I know its time to quit drinking the over obliging elixir of taking too much care of myself or too much care of others and quickly realign to get back to center. One of the ways I’ve found to get there quickly is to ask this question, “How is obliging making me feel?” If I feel like crap, jealous, overworked, angry, etc., well it’s time to kick myself in the obliging ass, and fix it.
The third, and most liberating lesson I’ve learned for keeping my obliger in check, is to uncover the motive, the real motive, behind why I oblige. Questions like, “What am I trying to get from this action?” or “What do I need from this person that is causing me to do this?” or “Is there another way to get what I want, rather than making myself feel used?” All of these are tough questions to ask, yet when I give myself permission to ask them, I feel much better and stop my obliger its tracks.
In fact, I no longer call my obliger an obliger. I don’t shine the spotlight on things that are my own version of FAKE NEWS in my life. Instead, when I want to do something for someone, I stand in the place of personal power knowing that I am worthy, ask for what I need either from myself or others with a clear cut reason for what I am asking for, and make sure that I know how it will make me feel once I step in and oblige for the right reasons.
Once I woke to the fact that my obliger was actually a pretty good wingman (not to be sexist, could be a wingwoman), I found my path, my purpose. What is my path, my purpose, you may be asking? To be me, without the need to oblige to get anything, have anyone’s attention, or in some twisted way feel better about myself. My obliger is available to me for those moments that show up when I’m struggling. You see I’ve learned that when I’m most in struggle, I’m off my path, lost my purpose, and forgot what it means to be committed. Committed to me and others in a healthy obliging way.
The question for you is, “What are you struggling to commit to doing for yourself?”, that means it’s time for you to have chat with your own obliger!
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