How a Disempowering ‘Substitution Syndrome’ Rules Our Lives

In some ways, I’m an “average American” male. I’m white and reap benefits from white privilege, which is quite real. But in other significant ways I don’t fit the mold. I’m not into beer-guzzling, sports, and endless sports-watching. I’m Jewish. I’m relentlessly curious and love learning. I’ve traveled abroad and spent time in some very different cultures. And I am open-minded and inquisitive about “human nature.”

After 75 years on this planet, I’ve learned a thing or two. And one of my most meaningful realizations involves a phenomenon I call the ‘substitution syndrome.’ This phenomenon is forehead-smackingly obvious once someone ‘gets’ it, but until that moment it is quite difficult to discern — by design.

Whose design, you might ask? That’s a very good question, and my provisional answer is by our own (unconscious) design — though we usually deflect and ascribe our human experiences to ‘God’ or some other divine or evil entity. Be that as it may, I’ve spent most of my life pondering the forces that guide my decisions and life directions and those of other human beings. I’ve studied psychology, religion, spirituality, politics, and sociology, and so far, the best broad “explanation” I’ve found for most human behavior is encapsulated in this ‘substitution syndrome.’

We trap ourselves in ‘fake,’ unsatisfying realities

Here’s what I mean. In almost every area of life, there’s a genuine or “real” version alongside a fake and often “convenient” substitute experience. Take romantic love, for example. It’s possible to experience deep, lasting love, but that experience can be hard to come by. Excruciatingly hard.

Eventually, when we get sufficiently frustrated, we may end up settling for something far less satisfying, whether that’s anonymous sex, staying in a crappy relationship, engaging in superficial serial relationships, or simply giving up (like today’s “incels”). Anger and resentment result.

I hate to reduce our human experiences to black-and-white categories like “good” vs. “evil,” but it’s evident that we DO live in a world of complementary opposites such as pain/pleasure and light/dark. And I propose that another dominant opposition in our lives is between “real,” genuine life and growth vs. “fake,” unsatisfying substitute realities that we often get trapped in. And when I say “get trapped in,” I mean we trap ourselves in various situations and unhealthy life choices.

Every day, we are presented with “choice points” that determine how we respond to life situations — and end up living our lives. Another aspect of life that’s filled with deception and avoidance is our attitude toward truth and honesty. Here, too, there is a genuine, “real” approach vs. a fake, deceptive, and dishonest approach.

A great and timely example is Donald Trump’s infamous penchant for continual lying and exaggeration. Like all of us, he could choose to be an honest and responsible communicator, but instead he chooses the path of deception, manipulation, and total disregard for truth. Worse, he then attacks real news and information he dislikes as “fake news”! And in making this harmful choice, he sides with his “lower,” more primitive, power-hungry self and buries his own (potential) higher motives or impulses — while contributing greatly to the rapid decline of the US.

A mundane yet potent example

This is the exact sort of situation we all face, almost constantly. Sadly, most of us end up stuck in a similar pattern of denial and avoidance, mired in attractive short-term “benefits.” I’m reluctant to call this a battle between good and evil, but that description does capture much of the “feel” and reality of our situation.

Except, I’d call it a vast, ongoing struggle between the genuine human soul and the numerous “fake realities” offered (and accepted) whenever we take the “easy,” less conscious, and less loving path.

Here’s a simple, very mundane example from my own life. Recently, I ordered a particular Thai dish I love for take-out. When I got home with our meal and tasted my food, I was irritated and angry that most of the specific ingredients — like galangal root and lemongrass — that make this dish special weren’t present at all! I was very disappointed, since I hardly ever get to order food from this distant restaurant. At that point, I was faced with a choice: I could act “as if” this failure wasn’t important and pretend everything was OK (or at least tolerable), or I could honor my truth and the truth of the situation, call the restaurant to complain, and ask for my money back on that dish.

I chose to call them and talked to the manager, who was very understanding and apologetic. She was as surprised and perplexed as I was about the sub-par preparation of that dish, and assured me they would talk to the cooks about it. She also happily gave me a refund.

The main point, however, is not that I “told them off” or “got my way” or any such nonsense. The point is that honest, direct communication with the restaurant was the best and proper thing to do, both for them and me. Even in this seemingly small instance, the opportunity to choose open communication and truthfulness was right there, staring me in the face — and I could have chosen the “easy,” non-confrontive, and also non-relational way out. Then, nobody would have benefited, the truth would have been hidden — and a minor wrong would not have been righted.

Escaping the clutches of the ‘substitution syndrome’

Yes, there truly IS an ongoing struggle between the genuine human soul and the seductive, endless “fake realities” we embrace when we take the “easy,” unconscious, and painfully loveless path. A while back, I realized this is the exact reason ‘Satan’ is always described as “the prince of lies.” It’s also why he is said to take many forms and have many, many names — for the truth is one, but lies and delusions are many.

It’s also the reality behind spiritual aphorisms like “The true spiritual path is akin to walking on a razor’s edge” and “Many are called, but few are chosen.” However, the crucial point is that if we are “chosen,” it’s because we ourselves have made a long series of positive/healthy choices that led to… exactly where we are in our lives.

It’s really true: our lives are nothing but an endless series of choices — and how and what we choose determines the quality of our lives and how we affect others around us. If we choose love, awareness, growth, and responsible relating, we are allying ourselves with the vital forces of life and creation, and we feel more alive.

If we ally ourselves instead with all the seductive, unsatisfying “substitute realities” our world spins out in endless profusion, we are enabling and strengthening the forces of darkness, illusion, and denial within us — and often feel horribly “dead” inside… defeated and unsatisfied.

That’s the heart of the devastating “substitution syndrome” we all face. It’s an essential psycho-spiritual reality we all must grasp, confront, and surmount if we want to live deeply and fully. It’s a daunting task at times — frequently, even — but it’s well worth it in terms of our personal, relational, and spiritual fulfillment.

In the end, nothing else truly matters.

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This post was previously published on ILLUMINATION.

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