How a Good Apology Can Restore Trust and Grow Your Love

Most often, we use the word “sorry” as similar to saying, “Hi, how are you?” while passing by strangers. I grew up listening to my father, abusing the word without changing his actions. Eventually, I met so many people in life who apologize just for the sake of controlling the situation. The minute passes by, and the unhealthy immoral actions repeat. Likewise, often the statement of apology will proceed with an excuse defining their actions.

Subsequently, I realized there is no fruitful weight to the word “Sorry” and so in my present days, if I do say or act a certain way that might be disliked by someone else, I cease to say, “I am Sorry!” Because I meant to act or say whatever I did, and I have become numb to that word.

Which is weird, right?!

So, I sit one day trying to feel and analyze why people keep saying “sorry,” and then they do nothing to improve their actions.

In brief, there might be two conditions: the person is genuine with his/her response, and second, the person is an absolute narcissist.

The truth is most of us merely use our vocabs based on their true meaning. We disregard and devalue the words in our daily life, just as we devalue our relationships with ourselves as well as others.

We feel just by saying sorry, we freeze the moment, and all the flaws are gone. The wrong remain as forgiven, and instantly everyone is happy. However, what happens when after a day or two, the same improper activities repeat. We say sorry again and again and again and get forgiven. And one day comes when there stands no regard what-so-ever.

. . .

A good apology comes with a payment.

The payment appears as an action to prove that you have improved in your behavior.

If you were unkind, now you are kind.

If you were disrespectful, now you are respecting other’s presence and opinions.

The reason I used the term “Payment” is that if your actions were unhealthy and abusive, then yes, you have to pay for that moment of love and respect you destroyed.

Anger and frustrations indeed make us behave and perform in specific ways. Sometimes, we are unaware of our responses to our surroundings during our mood swings. We unknowingly end up hurting our loved ones. Otherwise, there are times when we intend to speak up to the other person.

It is then that a good apology is necessary to receive forgiveness from our loved ones, whether it is to yourself or the others.

In several scenarios, we take things for granted. And that might involve the feelings of our loved ones.

When we take things for granted, we assume already that the other person is going to forgive us regardless. We expect that the other person loves us so much that there is no requirement for additional improvement.

Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

Apologize to make things right.

Start with the intention that you know you were wrong, and you are aware of your actions. It requires a lot of mindfulness, as well as the ability to read yourself.

When we know we are at fault, apologizing becomes easy. It is always hard to make things right when you have messed it up big time. However, when an apology comes from within, from your heart and soul, the process appears genuine.

You do not play games with the other person’s mind.

In this case, you do not pretend. Instead, you are ready to re-start a new and improved “YOU.” By doing so, you are giving another chance to your relationship. Your focus on improving yourself will reflect positively on the relationship with the others.

Take appropriate actions, observe the other person’s reactions towards your move, and read your behavior.

Apologize ONLY when you know you were at fault.

Notably, women tend to use the word “Sorry” as their middle name, which is a massive problem because it reflects on your level of confidence as well as your attitude of blaming yourself for something that you may not have done.

Meanwhile, there are certain kinds of people who will apologize to remain in control of the situation. They say sorry, and then they feel they won because the person in front was too kind to forgive him/her. Subsequently, they never make an effort to change their actions because they are content with their ability to manipulate anyone on their will.

Do not apologize if you know and you have analyzed that you are not at fault.

I am not supporting narcissism here. What matters is to develop an attitude to understand your feelings and know why you reacted the way you did. By doing so, you rationalize your actions from a third-person’s perspective.

Do not apologize when you are standing up against injustice and abuse. Never apologize when your actions and words are valid and appropriate for the situation.

Do not apologize when you are saving your self-worth and self-respect.

Most importantly, do not apologize when you know you will never change your behavior in the future.

Which is tricky, because most people do not know who they are. If you do not regret repeating your actions, there is no need to say sorry. Just be your true self.

. . .

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

Mindfulness of your emotions is the key to have a healthy conflict of opinions. No two person is perfect, hence whether, at work or personal circumstances, conflict of ideas is natural.

Welcoming the discomfort and dealing with it maturely is the key to establishing healthy relationships.

A good apology comprises of several methods of seeking forgiveness to explaining why the other person or situation made you react the way you did, which will depend a lot on the kind of the person in front.

Meanwhile, it is essential to remind yourself that apologizing does not lower your self-worth, and it is beyond the word, “Sorry.”

Showing that you are genuinely regretting your actions is also very important.

Writing a letter or email can sometimes be very useful in such situations. The reason being, it provides both the person involved space to acknowledge their feelings without needing to justify in front of each other. Likewise, when you know the likes and preferences of the other person, you may want to pursue those activities to make the environment comfortable to talk.

Regardless of our fault, apologize to show empathy as well as help the person in front acknowledge your discomfort and imperfect sides. At the same time, convince the other person that you are ready to make the changes and accept their distress.

A good apology will require a pinch of vulnerability as well as emotional maturity.

Being vulnerable is one of the critical aspects of developing deep and loving relationships. Hence, allowing love to dominate over the dark sides of yours in those moments of discomfort is the best move towards seeking forgiveness as well as forgiving others.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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