It’s a hard label for a good man to accept. But he realized it really isn’t about him at all.
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I used to get called “creepy” all the time, never because of something specific I was doing, but simply because of a “vibe” I gave off to people.
Being labeled this way always hurt my feelings and made me angry. I knew I was a good person and that nobody had any reason to fear me. I wanted to help others and make people feel safe, but how could I make people feel safe if they saw me as creepy? I felt like people were labeling me a bad person without getting to know me, and I started defining myself by those labels.
So sometimes, without intending it, good men can inadvertently trigger these feelings in women through words or actions, because unwanted sexual gestures are just one way of making a woman feel “creeped out.”
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Part of the problem arose from me misunderstanding what, exactly, I was being called. Most men think of “creepy” as a sexual reference. They assume it’s a term for men who offer women unwanted sexual attention, either through stares, lewd comments, or lack of boundaries. When good men who respect boundaries get labeled “creepy,” those men feel hurt and confused. They retrace all their footsteps and dissect every interaction they’ve had with a particular woman, wondering which innocent gesture or statement might have been misinterpreted as lecherous.
For women, creepiness isn’t about sex. Women enjoy sex and enjoy being sexually desired, just as men do. What women don’t like is feeling powerless or violated, and unfortunately, most women have had past experiences wherein they felt both powerless and violated. So sometimes, without intending it, good men can inadvertently trigger these feelings in women through words or actions, because unwanted sexual gestures are just one way of making a woman feel “creeped out.”
For women, male creepiness is part of everyday life. When a woman goes to the gym, she deals with male creepiness from the men who stare at her butt. When a woman goes to a bar or nightclub, she deals with men trying to pick her up and/or gropingly dance with her. When she walks alone at night, she deals with men who yell lewd comments from their cars. If she slaps the “creepy” label onto you, it’s not because she’s equating you with these men, it’s because she’s trying to set a boundary early and keep her distance so that you aren’t able to make her feel the way those men do.
Of course, if you’re like I used to be, you say, “But I’m not like those guys! I’m a good guy. Why do women judge me without giving me a chance?”
If a woman calls you creepy, she’s asking you to leave her alone.
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Well, maybe you are a good guy, but women aren’t obligated to validate your feelings. If a woman finds you creepy, you need to let it go. It doesn’t mean all women find you creepy. It doesn’t even mean you are creepy. It just means something about you triggers some unease in that particular woman. Maybe you’ll get a chance to prove her wrong, but if you force her to give you that chance, then you deserve to be called creepy.
A friend once told me that feminism is “the belief that women’s safety matters more than men’s feelings.” When it’s worded that way, I think we all agree, but when presented with real life examples, sometimes we men get too wrapped up in our own feelings to consider the bigger picture. If a man feels outraged over being called creepy instead of feeling outraged over the fact that women live in constant fear of being harassed, that man needs to reexamine his worldview.
Today, if a woman misreads my intentions as “creepy,” I refuse to take it personally.
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If a woman calls you creepy, she’s asking you to leave her alone. It feels unkind, but is there a kind way to ask someone to leave you alone? Some women pick a safer route, telling you they have a boyfriend even when they don’t, but do you really want women to feel so unsafe that they have to invent an imaginary man to scare you off? Other women cushion the blow of rejections with a reassuring line like “I’m sure you’re a great guy, but I’m not interested.” She doesn’t know you, and she isn’t sure you’re a great guy, but she’s not obligated to give you a chance to prove yourself. If she’s creeped out, you need to let it go. Don’t worry about the reason; worry about finding the right girl and don’t hold it against her she’s wrong for you.
Today, if a woman misreads my intentions as “creepy,” I refuse to take it personally. It still doesn’t feel good, but I respect their feelings and back off. Not everyone is going to like me, and I’d rather just move on to the people who do like me than keep worrying about the people who don’t. That said, since I’ve started living by this philosophy, I’ve found that I get called “creepy” much less frequently, or maybe I’ve just stopped noticing. Either way, life got easier when I stopped making things all about me.
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Photo: Pixabay
“It doesn’t mean all women find you creepy. It doesn’t even mean you are creepy. It just means something about you triggers some unease in that particular woman.” She’s white, you’re a big black man. She clutches her purse tighter. The effects of various biases and prejudices can affect a person’s view of who is creepy. Physical looks play a larger role than it should in creepyness, especially certain types of clothing or attire like “pedophile glasses”. “A friend once told me that feminism is “the belief that women’s safety matters more than men’s feelings.”” Things like this are too… Read more »
@Erin: I’ve got no reply button for what you said, but I’m replying to “Well, you’ve given me something to think about.” comment above. I know what you mean, and I’ve been pulling this apart in my mind for hours, without a good answer. I would never tell a woman any specific reason I wasn’t attracted to her, because I really don’t understand myself well enough to even know. The vast range of women I’ve been attracted to, despite any kinds of conventional things that are considered “undesirable” (like, best example, being overweight), has trends, but no consistent pattern to… Read more »
This article is OK, I would though caution how we put things. Let’s say I were to assert that there is no woman worth trying to convince to go out with you if she doesn’t show initial interest. That may very well be true for multiple reasons: the effort on your part, the fact that you have to push and possibly violate boundaries (even if she ultimately truly consents was that worth being rapey), etc. Still there are people who could view that statement as being disparaging of women because all they see is women are not worthy of extra… Read more »
An old phrase comes to mind… “What you think about me… is none of my business”
“A friend once told me that feminism is ‘the belief that women’s safety matters more than men’s feelings.’ When it’s worded that way, I think we all agree, but when presented with real life examples, sometimes we men get too wrapped up in our own feelings to consider the bigger picture. If a man feels outraged over being called creepy instead of feeling outraged over the fact that women live in constant fear of being harassed, that man needs to reexamine his worldview.” Pardon me, but on the contrary, I think you need to reexamine that worldview. Living or not… Read more »
It strikes me that people could avoid a lot of confusion by being straightforward and saying, “I think you’re a great person, but to tell you the truth, I figure we’re not exactly compatible.” Because very often, that IS the case — just a simple lack of chemistry — and it’s not a disparagement of your personal qualities (or an assertion that you are creepy because your individual attributes aren’t sparking their interest). It’s just an honest expression that they are looking for something different in a partner, and that’s absolutely fine, and easy to understand.
Henry, I agree with you that a straight forward, sincere response is best. However, due to things women have seen or experienced ourselves, not all men take a sincere straight forward response well. And there is no way for us to know which man will take it well and which one won’t. I can guarantee you that many women out there have either directly experienced male anger at being rejected or seen it happen to friends. I have experienced both myself and those situations become scary very quickly. I’ve learned to tell men that I’m in a relationship, even when… Read more »
I guess I’m one of those guys that women decided they could be honest with. It hurts, but I want to quote myself again from elsewhere (actually, my “comment of the day”) from a while ago: At least a couple dozen women I asked out cut straight to the issue themselves, saying something like “I know this is gonna make me sound shallow, but I’m sorry, I can’t date a guy who’s short/shorter than me” I never blamed any of them, and would usually thank them for their honesty. At least that was better than some of the excuses I… Read more »
Yes, by being honest, she’s trusting you not to be like the men on ByeFelipe and to accept the rejection politely. For me, I always appreciate honesty over an invented boyfriend or “ghosting.” If she’s being straightforward about the fact that you “creep her out,” then by being honest with you about those feelings of creepiness, she’s still acknowledging that you aren’t consciously making her feel this way, that you care about her feelings and that, if you were aware of them, you would make the effort to change.
Anthony – I give you major props for being so polite in the face of those kind of ladies. That shows your emotional intelligence. But those women have no justification for turning you down like that. And they know it which is why they start off saying their shallow and apologizing. If a guy isn’t attracted to me, that’s one thing. Telling me he isn’t attracted to me because my breasts are too small or whatever feature he doesn’t like is quiet another. Those girls wouldn’t like it if guys where, what I call, “brutally honest” about what they didn’t… Read more »
Thanks for saying so, but there’s another aspect to it for me. Also quoting from later on in that same comment: ‘[…]preferences in attraction, superficial or not, are not something anyone can help, so judging someone for it isn’t fair. It’s too bad too, because honesty would be appreciated. At least with the women who were honest with me, I didn’t need to think “I blew it. What did I do wrong?” ‘ So, on the one hand, it was discouraging to know the “real” reasons are not something easy to address, but on the other hand, it was nice… Read more »
Well, you’ve given me something to think about. But I still don’t think any woman would like to be told the reason a man didn’t want to go out with her was because of a certain breast size or weight or any other physical factors. So I’m not sure it’s totally fair for them to say something along those same lines to a man.
I’ve made a decision to be as authentic as I can and that means communicating directly, and always with kindness. From my experience, all men say they like honest, open communication, but few actually do. I’ve had some men respond unkindly when I have stated I’m not interested, but I figure that is about them, not me. I am responsible for my own actions and words, but not responsible for the responses of others. I don’t need to personalize others’ reactions. I just feel better about who I am knowing I’m not lying or playing games, but being straight up.… Read more »
Well, it would help to know what unconscious vibe you’re giving off that labels you that way, wouldn’t it? It’s an odd coincidence that this subject comes up within less than a day of me thinking and reading about such things. Here are a couple good articles I just read yesterday, as a matter of fact: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/12/dont-be-a-creeper/all/1/ http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/how-to-not-be-creepy/ For me, I think it was my inability to remember to smile sometimes. Whenever I’d meet a truly gorgeous and charming woman, on the incredibly rare occasions where one would actually acknowledge my existence and want to talk to me, I’d be… Read more »
Interesting! I think smiling can sometimes be perceived as “creepy,” too, though. If the attention isn’t wanted, don’t give it…and don’t necessarily assume there’s a specific reaction you have to “remember” to give women.
Good point, and well taken! I guess it’s different for everybody, but I’m pretty sure that in my case, just staring at a woman, thinking “oh…my…god…”, regardless of how well the words in the conversation may have been flowing, was probably one of my show-stoppers. LOL!
So… accept the status quo, embrace the unfair label, and live with people assuming you’re a sex offender until proven otherwise, because only negative stereotypes about women are worth debunking.
Wha?
Women aren’t obligated to validate men’s feelings, sure, but ideally everyone’s obligated to be a decent, polite, respectful human being, no? It wouldn’t be okay to call a woman slutty if she’s coming on too strong. It’s equally not okay to call a man creepy. I think men can acknowledge and sympathise with women’s safety concerns without having to roll over and accept unwarranted rudeness.
Awesome response Sleigh. As a woman, I couldn’t agree more.
Yes, but you are equating being called “creepy” with “people assuming you’re a sex offender.” That might be how you feel when you’re called that, but that’s an assumption you’re making. Also, calling a woman “slutty” is a personal judgement based on actions and appearances that don’t affect you at all. Calling a man “creepy” is an expression of fear and discomfort based on something that women go through regularly, something which does affect women. Also, there’s nothing wrong with being “slutty.” The term “slutty” is a label designed to scare women out of having sex and into committing to… Read more »
@ Sleigh
You’re responsible for your actions. She’s responsible for her reaction, but to be fair you’re responsible for your reaction or inaction to that and that is where I believe the author is getting at. My guiding principle is don’t sweat the small stuff.If she calls you a creep, what does her opinion ultimately mean for you unless she going to tell all her girlfriends that you’re a creep? Even if she does tell her girlfriends if you were interested in them, you’d a probably talked to them instead.
Let’s face it…..creepy is the new “N” word used to disparage men.