How I Went From Begging for Love to Finally Choosing Myself

There was a time when I thought loving someone meant giving them everything. After my five year relationship with my first boyfriend ended, I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. I replayed every mistake in my head and obsessed over all the things I could have done differently. I begged him to stay. I pleaded for another chance. But in the end, he chose someone else.

That heartbreak shattered me.

Like many people going through a painful breakup, I turned to my friends for advice on how to move on. Almost all of them told me the same thing: “Learn to love yourself first.”

At first, I honestly had no idea what that meant. Was self love about spa days and shopping sprees? Was it about putting myself on a pedestal and acting like a queen? Was it about becoming selfish and always putting myself first?

I was confused.

I believed I already knew how to love deeply. I gave everything I had to the people I loved. To me, love meant sacrifice, patience, and giving one hundred percent without expecting anything in return. So why did everyone keep saying I needed to love myself first?

Why Loving Yourself Matters in Relationships

People often say you cannot pour from an empty cup. Back then, I disagreed. I thought I had so much love to give even if I was emotionally exhausted.

But looking back now, I realize I was not loving from a place of fullness. I was loving from fear.

Fear of abandonment.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of not being enough.

I stayed in a relationship that repeatedly hurt me because I thought love meant enduring pain. We broke up and got back together so many times that I lost count. I ignored the lies. I tolerated the disrespect. I even disobeyed my parents just to keep him in my life. I kept shrinking myself to make someone stay.

That was not love. That was losing myself.

Healing After Heartbreak Taught Me the Meaning of Self Love

During my healing journey, I started reading books about relationships, emotional healing, and self worth. Slowly, I began to understand what self love truly means. And no, it was not about being narcissistic or selfish. It was about finally treating myself with the same kindness I freely gave to others.

Being Gentle With Myself

After the breakup, I became my own worst critic.

I constantly blamed myself and wondered why I was not enough to be chosen. I hated myself for feeling angry, depressed, and heartbroken because I saw emotions as weakness. I became incredibly hard on myself.

But healing taught me something important: My emotions were not weaknesses. They were proof that I was human.

Instead of fighting my feelings, I learned to sit with them. I stopped punishing myself for hurting. I practiced positive self talk. I learned how to comfort myself instead of tearing myself apart.

For the first time in a long time, I became a friend to myself.

Learning to Forgive Myself

One of the hardest things after heartbreak is carrying guilt.

I blamed myself for staying too long.

I blamed myself for ignoring red flags.

I blamed myself for loving too much.

But eventually, I realized that healing requires forgiveness, especially self forgiveness.

I learned to accept my flaws and mistakes without letting them define me. Instead of seeing my failures as proof that I was unworthy, I started seeing them as lessons that helped me grow. Growth begins when you stop hating yourself for your past.

Your Worth Is Not Defined by Rejection

This was the hardest lesson of all.

When my ex chose someone else, my self esteem collapsed. I kept comparing myself to the girl he chose and wondered what she had that I did not. I convinced myself that I was not worthy of being loved.

But over time, with the support of genuine friends and people who truly cared about me, I realized something life changing: Not everyone will choose you, and that is okay.

Rejection does not determine your value. People have different preferences, emotional capacities, and personal journeys. Someone failing to see your worth does not mean you do not have any. You are still worthy even when someone walks away from you.

You Do Not Need a Relationship to Feel Complete

For the longest time, I believed relationships completed people. I thought being loved by someone else would fill the emptiness inside me.

But healing taught me that no relationship can fix the parts of yourself you refuse to heal on your own. I learned that I needed to become whole first.

Not perfect.

Not flawless.

Just emotionally grounded enough that my happiness no longer depended entirely on another person. Real love is not about finding someone to complete you. It is about sharing your life with someone while already knowing your own worth.

Knowing What You Truly Deserve

This became the biggest lesson self love taught me.

I tolerated things I should never have tolerated. Hurtful words. Broken trust. Emotional pain. I kept forgiving because I was afraid to lose him.

But when he finally chose someone else, I stopped chasing him and asked myself one important question: “Is this really the kind of love I deserve?”

The answer was no.

As painful as letting go was, it also became the beginning of choosing myself. I realized I deserved more than being someone’s backup plan or temporary option.

There are billions of people in the world. Some people will overlook your value, misunderstand you, or fail to appreciate your heart. But there will also be people who will see your worth clearly and love you properly. Love should not require you to abandon yourself.

Loving Yourself Changes the Relationships You Accept

Once I learned how to love myself, everything changed.

I stopped chasing emotionally unavailable people.

I stopped settling for relationships that drained me.

I stopped begging for bare minimum love.

Instead, I rebuilt my confidence. I became more emotionally aware. I learned how to create boundaries and recognize healthy love.

Most importantly, I discovered that loving yourself is not about becoming selfish. It is about finally understanding that you deserve the same love, respect, patience, and compassion that you so willingly give to others. Because at the end of the day, the relationship you have with yourself sets the standard for every other relationship in your life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.