How I’m Preparing for the Birth of Our Second Son as a Father

Background.

I grew up an only child, which means I’m intimately familiar with the art of being selfish and alone. So when we found out we were having a second, I was a mixed bag of excitement, panic, and anxiety. However, I wasn’t particularly anxious about the usual parental dreads of late-night feedings, lack of sleep, regressions, or random occurrences of happy accidents. It was the fact that I would now step into uncharted territory.

I only knew how to be alone, even though I hated being lonely. I was born into it — molded by it. (Cue Bane’s memorable line in The Dark Knight about being molded by darkness.)

Anyway, this post is not about my struggles growing up as an only child. It’s about how I’m preparing for my first son transitioning from an only child to an older brother. From a family of 3, to a family of 4. From being satisfied with a sedan, to wanting a minivan. From only worrying about one little individual’s future, to doubling it.

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The first time around, I was a walking clueless anxiety machine. Filled with incessant confusion and exhaustion, yet also full of love for the little one. Prior to his birth, I researched constantly about what the best strollers were, the best bottles, baby monitors, you name it. If my mind were a library, it’d be cluttered with all things baby books with a hint of how do I make more money so I can provide for this new human being.

Baby #2.

Fast forward to today, with our second boy, my prep looks dramatically different. These days, my “planning” involves a casual glance at our garage and taking mental notes of: “Yep, that’ll do. I’ll grab that later. Okay, we can purchase more at Amazon.” And it’s not exactly that we’re getting lazier — maybe we’re just a little more confident? Somewhere between diaper change number 557 and toddler tantrum number 777, I’ve learned that parenting is a marathon that you can never stop running in. It’s humbled me in so many ways, I can’t even fathom who I was before becoming a father.

This wouldn’t be a Medium.com article if it didn’t have wonderful key takeaways formatted into readable, bite-sized bullet points, so here you go. For those of you parents (especially dads) navigating the unpredictable journey of expanding your family, here are a few of my insights:

Preparation is less about stuff, and more about mindset:
The first time around, I approached it like work. While it had its benefits, I was not prepared for the fact that, it wasn’t about your readiness, or the gear you have, it was all about how we approach the unknown. It was about adaptation.
Love is not a zero-sum game:
As you get closer to the birth of your second, you’ll find soon enough that your heart expands. I doubted this at first, always asking veteran parents how exactly they love between multiple children, and they were right… your love only expands exponentially.
Your life should now be truly about servitude:
Parenthood is the ultimate bootcamp for humility and selflessness, a crash course in putting another person’s needs completely before your own. When you become a parent, you’ll discover a type of love that is beyond comprehension, and this only doubles when you have your second child.
Your firstborn’s transition is most important than yours:
It won’t just be about you and your spouse’s ability to transition and prep yourselves the potential logistical nightmares. Your first child will also go through a huge role change. And this wasn’t even their choice! So imagine that. This moment is delicate. (Take it from an only child) It is crucial to involve them, to make them feel part of the team, and to help them understand their new role as an older sibling. Read books that talk about becoming an older sibling and start the sibling bond fairly early. Here’s a good one (affiliate link): https://amzn.to/4h01Uf9
Embrace the ensuing chaos:
Not sure what your personality type is, but order will no longer be the norm. Your house will look like a tornado just swept through and left only the remains of a toy store. So if you felt that you finally got the hang of things after stabilizing with your first, then in the words of Elsa, just let it go. Learn to drop your expectations like it’s hot.

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Looking ahead.

As I am writing this in a cafe, while my firstborn is in daycare, and anticipating the scheduled induction of our second child tomorrow morning, I’m just grateful that we got to this point. My first son taught me a lot of things about preparation; I’m curious what lessons my second will bring.

If you’re interested in reading about my learnings seven months into my first stint as a parent, you can check that out here: https://medium.com/a-parent-is-born/5-things-i-wish-i-knew-before-becoming-a-parent-db66fa6847bb

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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