Collin Slattery recounts his mother and sisters, their vicious plan to ruin his life, and the invaluable price of what he gained in order to replace what they took.
My older sister (we’ll call her “Janet”) is abusive, verbally and physically, and has been since childhood. After our father died, she was abusive to our mother and younger sister. The two of us did not get along, partly because she was unable to abuse me, and resented that I chose to stand up and defend my mother and younger sister from her cruelty.
In the middle of February 2008, shortly before my 19th birthday, my mother told me that she was being evicted from our apartment and that she was going to live with Janet. I would not be afforded the same opportunity, and I had two weeks to find a place to live.
I was not in college at the time because my mother had chosen to use my identity to borrow over $10,000 without my knowledge in order to delay her inevitable financial collapse. I lived on my own for the next few years.
In early 2010, I began to speak with my mother again in an attempt to work past the things she had done to me and to have some sort of relationship with her. In August, I was thinking of moving, and she suggested that I move in with her, since she was having trouble paying rent. (Though my older sister had moved out, she kept the apartment where my mother subletted and hid from her creditors.)
In hindsight, this was clearly a bad idea, but I had missed all the things I had grown up with, including my dog, and, sharing rent, I would be able to save a couple hundred dollars a month. Despite the fact that I was moving back to the ghetto, it seemed like a reasonable idea.
By November, things were strained. I was growing frustrated with her continuous refusal to do anything to fix the problems she had caused for me, including the complete destruction of my credit score, which prevented me from qualifying for credit cards and student loans, and making it nearly impossible to get a lease. One evening, after an argument about this very subject, I left to go relax and calm down. A few hours later I received a text message from my mother saying, “Don’t come home.” I was to “find somewhere else to sleep,” though she knew full well I had no where else to sleep and no money to pay for a hotel—I had invested all of my spare cash in the company I founded back in August.
I came home that evening to find the chain on the door, with my mother telling me to go sleep on the street since I had nowhere to go. Since I was paying rent, I was not going to put up with that nonsense, so I broke the chain, came into the apartment, brushed my teeth, and went to sleep. We did not even speak. The next morning she was gone, and she was gone for the next four days. I did not hear from her, I was not given any information from my younger sister, and I had to take care of our ancient dog while also going to work.
It turns out that my older sister has been orchestrating a plan to destroy my life. She strolled into the apartment four days later with a giant grin. My mother followed behind her like some abused animal. She handed me some papers, which I read with growing astonishment and fury. It was a list of accusations that read like something out of Law and Order, and not a single word of it was true: forcible touching, sexual abuse in the second or third degree, menacing in the second or third degree, criminal mischief, sexual misconduct, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment, stalking, harassment in the first or second degree, aggravated harassment in the second degree, assault in the second or third degree.
Charges against me—someone so terrified of making a woman uncomfortable that I never make the first move, go in for a kiss, or try to initiate physical contact. Someone so concerned about not being pushy and aggressive that the one and only time I had sex was when a woman literally grabbed my arm and dragged me to her apartment.
“None of this is true,” I said. “How could you do this to me? How could you fucking accuse me of this?”
The grin widened. I was livid, shaking with rage. I had never understood how it was possible to become so enraged that you could want to kill another human being, but in that moment I understood.
“You should be thanking me,” my sister said, knowing she had an opening to provoke me further. “I could have had this delivered to you at your office.”
I went into lockdown. I became silent and still. As I had done so many times before, with the sadness and misery that were constant companions during my childhood, I was waging an internal war to choke down an uncontrollable rage that was dangerously close to exploding. My mother knew what was happening, and she grabbed my sister’s arm and started pleading.
“Can we go now? Please! Let’s go! You’ve had your fun! Can’t we leave?”
I spent the whole night reading the list over and over, reading the anecdotes that painted me as a monster. I held our dog and cried. This dog had been the only source of affection I had known for a decade, and she snuggled up next to me on the couch as I cried uncontrollably into her fur. I stood in the shower letting scalding water burn my entire body. I didn’t sleep that night.
Before going into work the next morning, I forced myself from despair, knowing I had concrete, immutable proof that multiple of these statements were lies. I believed then that the justice system would rule on the side of truth.
♦◊♦
Over the two-week period before the court date, I built my case. I gathered evidence. I could not disprove the charges, but I could prove many of the “facts” that my mother, older sister, and younger sister had concocted and sworn were true under oath were in fact completely fabricated. The claim that I had assaulted my sister when she had told me to “get a job or get out” while we were living together in April 2008, for example, was easily disproven by copies of checks for rent—copies from my bank, not checkbook negatives—which were dated and cashed in the months of March, April, and May of that year.
By the time the court date arrived, I was incredibly confident that everything would be thrown out because I would be able to prove a concerted pattern of lies used to construct a story—the one that painted me as this monster.
All parties were sworn in. The judge—a woman—read the charges against me, and both myself and my mother were provided with court appointed attorneys.
“These are very serious charges, Mr. Slattery,” the judge said. I told her that I understood, but that they were completely untrue. Proceedings were adjourned until the next day. The next morning before proceedings, I sat with my lawyer to go over my documents, the case, and what I wanted to do. As soon as we started talking, I knew I was in trouble.
She read the charges, and told me how serious they were and asked me what I did. I told her that I hadn’t done anything, that the charges were completely absurd, and that I could prove numerous of their statements to be lies.
“You must have done something, Mr. Slattery,” she told me. “No one would make these things up.” My attorney believed I was guilty.
I took out the copies of the checks provided to me by the bank and showed her how they proved that they completely made up the story about me assaulting my sister.
“These prove that they are lying about that whole story. If I can prove that they’ve already lied under oath, then the rest of their claims will be compromised.”
She looked at me and replied, “We are not dealing with financial matters, Mr. Slattery.” I sat there shocked.
“This has nothing to do with financial matters!” I said, exasperated. “This is just about proving that they have lied under oath! Doesn’t that matter?”
“No, Mr. Slattery, it doesn’t. There are lots of claims here you can’t disprove.”
We talked for another 30 minutes or so until we were scheduled to go into the courtroom. My confidence was steadily sinking. The proceedings started with my mother and two sisters doubling down on their lies. Their attorney tried to illustrate me as unstable and violent, and my attorney was not trying very hard to defend me.
When I stood up to speak in my defense, I said, “Your honor, they are not telling the truth. I have checks here that …” My attorney cut me off, saying, “My client understands that this is not about financial matters.” I said, “I know it isn’t, but these checks prove …” She cut me off again, saying, “This court does not deal with financial matters.” I started to argue with her and she cut me off, yet again, and told me to be silent.
I felt completely powerless. Here I was with concrete proof about the lies against me, and I was barred from bringing up my evidence. The attorney for my mother requested that I be removed from the apartment—the one where I was paying rent—that day because I was, according to my family’s complaint, a violent monster. I wanted 30 days—that is standard procedure, and I had already paid for the month of December.
Both parties went outside to try to negotiate a settlement, and our attorneys sat down to discuss things. My attorney came back and said, “They are willing to give you three days.”
“Three days! How am I supposed to find a place to live in three days? I have no savings, I have nowhere to go, even temporarily, and I already paid for December. Can I at least get two weeks?”
“I’ll try, Mr. Slattery, but they want you out, and they have a case.”
“They don’t have any case at all!” I said, “Show these to their attorney and show him that they are clearly lying.”
“How many times do I have to tell you that this has nothing to do with financial matters?”
♦◊♦
They continued “negotiations” and each time the answer was the same. Three days. My requests got more feeble and pathetic: 10 days, seven days, five days, but the response was always the same.
I felt disillusioned. I had always believed that we had a justice system, a system that valued truth and facts—one in which false accusations would be disregarded as just that, where false accusers would be punished for wasting time and resources, and for inflicting harm on the accused. That belief died.
I had two options: accept the “deal,” or take the case to trial. I couldn’t afford to miss more work—I had already used three of my five combined sick and vacation days for the year—and, honestly, I had lost all faith in the system to believe that a trial would result in a better outcome. I agreed to take the deal.
Back in the courtroom, the deal was presented and agreed to. I stood there stooped, unable to speak, and simply nodded my head. In addition to being forcibly removed from my home in three days, I had a restraining order placed against me for two years. My permanent record would be forever tarnished with heinous lies.
When I returned home, my mother was already there.
“How could you do this to me?” I asked. “How could you accuse of me these things, and sign your name to it! You know none of this is true! This has always been one of my greatest fears, and the three of you were the ones to make it a reality! I knew Janet was capable of doing something like this, but I never could have imagined that she would get you two to go along with it.”
She looked at me and said, “I know none of it is true, but we want to teach you a lesson. We want to ruin you.”
Somehow, I managed to find a place and move in three days. I had no money, and thankfully I had a good friend who was willing to lend me $1,000 in order to help me cover my security deposit. That friend literally saved my life, because I think I would have taken it had I not been able to find somewhere to go.
I had to leave a lot of my stuff behind. I had to pick up my life and flee. That holiday season was an immense struggle, and this one has been too. The holidays have a way of making the pain of chronic loneliness all the more acute.
♦◊♦
Despite the fact that there is no restraining order with my younger sister, the one I used to protect and care for growing up, I have not spoken with her since. I don’t know if I can ever forgive such a betrayal. I expected it from Janet, and I expected her to be able to terrorize my mother into going along with it, but I never would have imagined that they would be able to corrupt my younger sister. Sometimes, I wonder how they did it.
The only contact I have had was a brief chain of e-mails started by my older sister a week after my birthday this past February:
Janet: You are a shithead. Fucking worthless piece of shit.
Myself: Stay classy. In rehab yet?
Janet: Are you for your clepto problem? Where is her shit?
Myself: I have zero idea what you’re talking about. Don’t email me again. Ever. Enjoy your miserable lives without me.
Janet: Fuck you. You know exactly. I hope you rot in hell you stealing thriving piece of shit. The universe will curse you and daddy will make sure you’re never getting anywhere or anything because you are a sorry excuse for a son. He’ll make sure you get the punishment you deserve.
Myself: No, I really don’t. With that said, I do appreciate this e-mail chain as it will further reinforce the kind of people you all are in the closing chapters of my book, as if we needed more proof. I’m sure he’d consider giving you three a round of applause for the crimes you have committed against me.
Janet: Ha. Perhaps you can find some proper medication to help you with your delusional ways.
In a way, she was right. I was blind but now I see. I see that my family died 12 years ago with my father, and that someone had to be the target for all the anger. That someone was me. I see that I am not the terrible, worthless person I was routinely told I was as a child, not the weak, pathetic loser that I was raised to believe I was, not one to be ashamed of the things that were done to me because they were never my fault.
And yet I don’t. Every day I struggle with the scars that are left behind. Every day I wage a battle with the chorus of negative voices seeking to drag me down.
My family may be out of my life, but their words and actions are forever whispers in my mind.
—Photo dno1967b/Flickr
This makes me so sad and angry for you, I want to beat up your family ! I wish you the best please don’t feel as if all women are so evil, Thank you for being so open about something so difficult in your life
Mr. Slattery:
I was moved by your piece, and your pain. I’m very sorry your family of origin was SO f*cking toxic. While the specifics are different, let’s just say I’ve had similiar experiences in my life. Mr. Esser offered some really good advice: “Don’t engage your former life Collin. Build a new life surrounded by warm and caring people and make sure that you are one as well. It takes time, but not as long as you think.”
He’s absolutely right,and it’s doable.
I wish you the very best!
I am so sorry. I hope the best for you in the future. I don’t know what else to say.
Shit bro I’m so sorry to read this, if I where you I would have beat the shit out of all of them. You are strong with amazing self control.
Neither the MRA nor feminist movement is just some story-telling to make sense of personal abuse. In some cases (and particularly with many MRA guys I’ve read) this is the motivating factor for seeking answers. But, insofar as each speaks about structural societal issues, they are pointing out real patterns that result in systemic injustice that plays out in the lives of many people in various ways. To suggest otherwise is dismissive and, frankly, uninformed.
Go visit them with a hidden recorder and get them to admit everything they’ve done.
Then sue their asses for everything they’ve cost you.
Men who are abused by woman are starting to find their voice. All to often the ugly stereotyping and denial creep up. The judicial system in Canada, and apparently the USA, have to wake up to the fact that unscrupulous woman take advantage of the woman who are indeed abused. A balance has to be found that protects victims of abuse regardless of gender. I was accused of the most heinous behavior by my ex wife of 25 years who in fact abused me, physically and mentally. It took 6 months after being ousted before I could articulate all that… Read more »
This is an appalling story, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and thank you for sharing it, it must have been very difficult to write.
I also can’t believe you are the same age as me, you have strength and courage far beyond your years. If I found myself in an even remotely similar situation, I’m sure I would just shut down completely. The way you’ve picked yourself up and carried on with your life under horrific circumstances is beyond admirable, it’s amazing.
You have my sympathies. No one should have to go through that. That being said, why the hell are you still exchanging e-mail with either of them? You’re still engaged in conversation with your sister because…? There may still be a part of you that hopes you can somehow make them better or make them change their ways by doing precisely the right thing. That part of you needs to take a break for a while, maybe twenty years or so. If they want you to stay away, then your money can stay away from them, too. Ultimately I hope… Read more »
That being said, why the hell are you still exchanging e-mail with either of them? You’re still engaged in conversation with your sister because…? I was wondering the same thing. As a matter of personal safety, Collin, it seems to me that you need to cut off contact with all of these people, most ESPECIALLY Janet. Every contact with Janet, or even the others, is an opportunity for Janet to concoct more lies to use against you. And it cannot be good for your mental/emotional well-being, Collin, to keep reading her words. Stop. Be gentle with yourself, and just stop.… Read more »
Oh, I don’t speak with any of them. That was her e-mailing me out of the blue last February… two months after the whole situation. It was probably not the greatest idea to message back and forth with her, but I have not spoken to or seen any of them since that time. To be honest, it is quite nice to have nothing to do with them at all. As far as I am concerned, I have no interest in ever speaking with any of them ever again. I don’t think I really need to make any contingency plans if… Read more »
That is really good to hear, Collin. I hope you don’t have even one more minute of your life disturbed by contact from your whacko sister.
“MRA fanfiction. All the wimmin are evil for no discernible reason and teh man is just an innocent hapless victim.” No discriminable reason is not quite correct. As has been pointed out the main aggressor fits the “Sociopath” profile. The reason and root cause for that Sociopathy may be seen as indiscernible, but that is not relevant. If you wish to apply that criteria to Domestic Abuse/Violence then unless a Victim can prove a discernible reason for all acts, and prove it to others, then there is no Domestic Abuse/Violence occuring. A bit like – If your partner is Domestic… Read more »
The problem is men do not have the presumption of innocence in the courtroom.
Your sister and mother (most women)know this and abuse it regularly.
We need to re-gain due process,equal representation in the law,presumption of innocence.
This is what men’s rights is all about.
No one should have that kind of arbitrary power over another.
Women get a free pass in the justice system,and men have no due process.
Until this is remedied,there will be no end to the gender war nor the mens rights movement.
Nor should there be.
NO JUSTICE NO PEACE
My god you’ve been through hell and back – and you deserve a lot better. I sincerely hope you rise above and beyond this and live a life that you deserve. Of course it will be hard to put this all behind you, especially as fresh as it all is, but with your tenacity and strength you’ll be able to do it. It’s incredible that people can treat someone in such an unspeakable way.
fanfiction? Did he say ALL women are evil? Is it really that hard to believe some women are evil and that some men are, omg, actually innocent?
Go away troll, this is a place for serious discussion and not for lame attempts to minimize his experience because of ignorance.
I never said he claimed all women were evil. But all the women in this story are certainly portrayed as such when they have no reason to be. It’s almost too perfect. Almost like it… didn’t happen.
Could be very unlucky? Could be the main evil had a very good grasp at twisting the truth for sympathy and to get people on her side? Do you also have this same disbelief at some rape cases where the police do nothing or blame the victim? By the way, you don’t NEED a reason to be evil. Not every human is caring and loving, some can be caring and loving to SOME yet commit evil to others, the world isn’t black and white. But give me some examples and explanations of why you think they are portrayed evil but… Read more »
No, you just claimed I was lying. A real class act.
I hope that you never have to deal with a sociopath. Truly, I do.
Lol: “I never said he claimed all women were evil. But all the women in this story are certainly portrayed as such when they have no reason to be. It’s almost too perfect. Almost like it… didn’t happen.” So regardless of the fact that these women screwed him over, hurt him, abused him, you want him to make them shoot rainbows out of their mouths and sprinkle pixie-dust at the top of a hat? Would you like it if a female victim was telling her story and someone told her she was lying? It’s people like you that make men… Read more »
The problem here is that criminal charges are not delivered by the person making an accusation (and the listed accusations are criminal charges, not civil–even so, civil charges may not be served by the plaintiff). If a person is charged with a crime prior to arrest, a judge issues a warrant for that person’s arrest. They will be arrested, booked, fingerprinted, etc.–not what happens in this story.
Well at least you’re claming suspicious over something more than just “the women are too mean so it probably isn’t true”.
If you read the story, you’d recognize that I stated this was not criminal court. I clearly stated this was — thankfully — not criminal court.
@lol “I never said he claimed all women were evil. But all the women in this story are certainly portrayed as such when they have no reason to be. It’s almost too perfect. Almost like it… didn’t happen.” There are certain limits in using the written word for communication. However they are readily transcended. You use the term “portrayed” as in Portrait – an image, a likeness. When using words they are used to communicate an idea, a portrait and impression of others. Perhaps you prefer epic portrayals of Character such as Lord Of the Rings? Even there you will… Read more »
“I never said he claimed all women were evil. But all the women in this story are certainly portrayed as such when they have no reason to be. It’s almost too perfect. Almost like it… didn’t happen.” I can understand the skepticism. It is an unbelievable story and yet I believe it. The reason is that I know people are really capable of fucked up shit and I never underestimate people’s capability for evil. Your underlying assumption is that people are rational. They aren’t. My theory of feminism and MRAism is that feminist and MRA’s are both repeated victims of… Read more »
Assman, I agree there are “a lot of bitter angry people because they have been legitimately mistreated.” That’s why we focus so much on storytelling — as a way to get past that. If people never hear these kind of stories of course they won’t believe them. @lol, we had the same questions of authenticity when we had people tell stories of racist incidents that had happened to them. People just couldn’t believe that someone could be so racist “unprovoked”. Which, of course, is exactly what racism is. I am always willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt… Read more »
When there’s one abuser in a family, there are usually more.
Probably because you haven’t been in that kind of situation, for which you should be grateful.
Collin, you can get federal student loans irrespective of your credit circumstance — your credit record is not a factor if you are income-eligible for financial aid — and it sounds as if you are. You need supportive replacement parents/mentors with whom to heal — 22 yo still has some distance in physiological, neurological, and emotional growth — particularly given the trauma you have endured. Perhaps the university environment would be a healing place for you…
Dear Mother — Do you mean the US university system where by order of the Michele Obama Department of Education all men are presumed guilty of sexual harassment and sexual assault and subject to immediate expulsion and revocation of scholarships purely by dint of being male?
Be proud Collin. It takes incredible strength to survive something like that with and still keep your humanity, and even more strength to tell the story. I hope life takes a kinder tact with you in the future, you’ve earned a respite.
I don’t have much to add — the commenters before me said everything that ran through my mind. I’m just adding my voice to your cadre of supporters. What a terrible story; this level of betrayal is hard to fathom. I wish you all the best in life.
That was a very well-written account of a terrible, terrible story. My experience is nowhere near as severe, but I recently cut off ties with my own grandmother due to her lies about me and my family in order to gain sympathy from others. It is difficult to admit when a family member is a sociopath, but it is essential to learn it and avoid those individuals. It never changes how said it is though.
My god, that’s just awful, I hope that someone sees the light and you get the justice you deserve, even though the courts usually have a bias towards women.
This is without a doubt one of the most sickest situations I’ve ever read about.
What your sister and family did to you is a travesty.
They deserve a one-way ticket to the gullotine!
I hope they get to live with themselves to a very old age. The simple fact is that they will probably always be who they already are, and things will probably get much worse for them due to their actions… and inaction. It is hard to break away from family, so in a way I appreciate the event for giving me a clean break.
Yes! Living well is your best revenge. I hope they live long enough to see and feel the results of their actions.
I guess it falls to me to point out the obvious–expecting justice from a legal system biased to automatically believe the testimony of women alleging abuse by men is a guarantee of disappointment.
As an old associate of mine often said “The Law Is An Ass – But It Does Depend Who Is On The Donkey’s Back At The Time.”. He would know – he was a retired High Court Judge – Queen’s Bench! I believe that Aristotle said it best “The Law is reason free from passion.” Far too many judges see themselves as Social Engineers and Arbiters, and they allow personal passion to rule the court room, making Asses of the law. I know of one man who entered court wearing false Donkey Ears. The Judge Cried Contempt – the man… Read more »
Oh to be a fly on that wall!
That was a claim I had heard for years from many men. While I thought it was likely their might be a little bit of bias, I suspected that the level of bias was completely overblown. My experience has shown me otherwise.
Domestic abuse and victimization takes many forms. Your story is not uncommon by any means. It highlights so many issues and how perpetrators manipulate not only the people targeted, but people such as family members and society as well. Your sister is a Classic “Gaslighter” and uses perception and modeling of her targets/victims to abuse. “I went into lockdown. I became silent and still. As I had done so many times before, with the sadness and misery that were constant companions during my childhood, I was waging an internal war to choke down an uncontrollable rage that was dangerously close… Read more »
I agree that my older sister is a sociopath, and I know that there is a history of sociopaths in my family. With that said, I do not absolve my mother or my younger sister of their sins. I know they have been victims, but I am a rational person and my sister’s manipulation does not negate the presence of free will and choice on either of their parts. I was able to keep myself untangled from her machinations, and I did what I could to help those two; however, their willingness to go along and be complicit is something… Read more »
Colin – I suspected that there may have been an intergenerational element to your story. Sociopathay seems to be a complex interplay of genetics, nurture and other factors. That does not absolve, only explain. The hurt and damage is very real. You won’t hear me say otherwise. I could detect many patterns in what you wrote, and I only wish those well known patterns were recognized more, particularly in the Justice Systems across the globe. I have seen Judges, Jurys and all forms of courts manipulated and exploited, not just by malicious litigation, but even by Attorneys who were sociopathic… Read more »
Collin, may your life continue to improve as you grow further from these people. I am so sorry to hear about your sociopathic sister (I agree she’s a sociopath) and the effect she has had on you and your family.
You stood as an example of what is right to your younger sister. I hope that her memories of you eventually guide her to a better life. I certainly understand your need to separate yourself from her and your mother. They are conduits for Janet’s evil.
Stay strong. It can get better for you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Those lawyers and judges should immediately lose all ability to have anything to do with the JUSTICE system again, truly a sickening story. I only hope you one day find happiness and these stories help to change our lives for the better. Reading it I literally felt sick to my stomach that people would do this to another human…and have the institution back them up on it.
Wow, I hope you could find the happiness you deserve. Stay positive man.
I understand, to a degree. My parents were abusive, molesting animals. unfortunately, nobody in the family wanted to hear/believe it. I became a pariah for trying to open their eyes, to protect their kids from those animals. My mother was the architect of that abuse and the smear campaign against me. I was finally disowned. That was over 18 years ago. I thank my wife for giving me the confidence to stand up to them and strike out on my own life. It has been hard without the support of family, but we have survived. Stay strong. Some people exist… Read more »
What your family did is so sick and twisted…I can’t even imagine doing something like that to another person. I would have gotten an attorney that understands your situation, but I’m not sure whether your current state or financial situation at the time would have permitted that. You can still get someone to clear your name. Stay strong and don’t ever let these kind of people define you. I pray that you have wonderful friends for support.